stuck stuck stuck

[Not Alone]

however, i've noticed that i don't have any emotional tolerance in the midst of this worry/stress for being able to read what other people are writing.  i'm still supporting you all, but i just have to take a break from reading for right now. 

i hate that i have to do that.  love and hugs to everyone.

I understand that. There are times that I can't read others' posts either. Glad you are taking care of yourself by staying home, limiting OOTS, and T.V. binging. Here is a safe, germ free hug. 

[Blueberry]

Don't worry about not reading what other people write. You have to do whatever is best for you and take care of yourself.

   

[holidayay]

Hi sanmagic 

Its been a while since I've had energy for other people's stuff but recently I felt it coming back and I got pulled towards reading some of your thread. I want to say that I'm sorry you've had to go through so much, but that you are doing so, so well and I know its sooo much easier said than done, but you definitely deserve to go easy on yourself. I say that and yet I struggle with this myself, though I am getting better with practice! I resonate a lot with your posts and always find your responses to my posts so helpful. I think you're pretty amazing and worthy just as you are.
Sending you much positivity 

thanks, notalone.

well, i found a shame piece - i'm ashamed when i'm not perfect.  when i make a mistake, write too much here, or the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, don't do the right thing (i know, right and wrong are subjective - you understand what i mean).  this is my shame and it's now 4:30 a.m. and i haven't fallen asleep yet because it's been so disturbing to realize it.  hopefully, i'll go to bed now, but i feel just awful.

coming down piece by piece off my pedestal of perfection is so painful, and always leaves me feeling like a failure.  i couldn't make the 'perfect' thing work, and i'm ashamed i couldn't.  honestly, i thought if anyone could, i could.  as i told my d, this was my protection against feeling anything neg. about myself, having an ICr to contend with, or getting down on myself in any way, shape, or form.  and i'm ashamed to admit it cuz of all the arrogance i've dragged around behind it.  too much.

[alliematt]

altho i'm super concerned about the health stuff, i've been canceling going anywhere that other people may be at, which is really sad to me, but i've discovered that the whole thing has really been stressing me out, so it's been helpful that way to cancel cancel cancel.  i'm feeling a little bit more at ease w/ the isolation, but we've got a lot of canned goods (we canceled our monthly trip to the food pantry tomorrow, which definitely puts a strain on our finances) and rice and beans that lets us know we won't starve.  i'm going to miss fresh fruits and veggies, tho.   still, better than putting myself at risk.

i know i've gotten stressed cuz i've had 2 dreams in the past few nights about traveling to mexico - that was always my go-to dream when i was stressed.  it showed me that i wasn't happy where i was, wanted to get away.  they weren't bad dreams, tho, which was good.  just being on the road, meeting and interacting w/ people.  yeah, all about that.

so, i'm depending on xanax now to keep that stress level down, which does help.  and, i am feeling better mentally and emotionally, so i know the therapy is helping as well.  that's a relief.  my d and i are binge-watching buffy in the evenings, so i'm getting a lot of tears out that had to do with relationships and other factors in my life i never cried about.  a nice up curve for right now, which feels pretty nice.  however, i've noticed that i don't have any emotional tolerance in the midst of this worry/stress for being able to read what other people are writing.  i'm still supporting you all, but i just have to take a break from reading for right now. 

i hate that i have to do that.  love and hugs to everyone.

I hear that part about "emotional tolerance".  There are just some times where you've had all you *can* tolerate and if you put one more thing in, everything will start spilling out.  You do a good job of caring for us here; you also need to do your share of self-care as well.

[sanmagic7]

honestly, you all are the best!  notalone, blueberry, holidaya, allie - thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts.  this was perfect timing for me.i love having you all in my life.

so, the dept. of human resources, where i go for therapy, is now shut down.  sounds like the shrink got sick, so we all have phone sessions now.  i talked a bit about my shame piece, that it must be from the time i was a baby - hard to imagine instilling shame so young, but i'm now beginning to believe that's where the alexithymia also came from because i also managed to blurt out that i'm ashamed to be ashamed, and ashamed to admit i'm ashamed.  that's an awful frickin' lot of shame right there! 

i talked about how this had to have happened so young that it became a part of my essence, my being not to have any emotions except happy (altho i can remember feeling very sad as well, and that would often leak out in tears when i was getting reprimanded about something, for which i was mocked and demeaned.  so, those were my 2 emotions for most all my life.  and, i never really 'felt' the happy, but i felt sad all the time.  on very few occasions i also felt fear or anger (i can count them on one hand, literally! in my entire life, and i remember precisely the few times i got angry w/ someone and was able to express it).

so, i'm getting some emotions now, in the past 4 or so years, and that feels weird.  i'm also chipping away at that perfection pedestal, and that feels horrible.  and, i told my t today that i felt like a very small, young child, very needy.  as i thought of it during the day, i'm thinking that as all my protective devices are being shed or chipped away, it's leaving me with the feeling of when i was that young, depending on someone to take care of me.  i'm going to talk more about that to her, cuz when i said it, she said to remember that all that was in the past, it's not now.

but, until i build up some healthier resources for myself, my mind, i would think, would bring that past into the present.  an EF maybe?  i don't feel quite that defenseless right now, and it's 8 hrs. after my talk w/ her.  so, maybe i've processed some of that and those childish feelings are being able to recede a bit.  i think time will tell on that one.

in the meantime, thank you all for the support.  i'm so grateful for it. 

[holidayay]

You're doing amazing, and keep letting it all out here, as much as you need to. I read somewhere something along the lines of 'the opposite of trauma is being able to speak fully' (it was much better worded but you get the gist!). I have found that talking about things in excruciating details really, really helps. There was also another brilliant article I read which was advising revisiting old memories/emotions, and excavating them,  - thought that was a brilliant word to use in this context - and really giving them air time, letting it out into the open. Out of your system and released away because you never deserved to host it all in the first place.
I'll be here listening when you want to talk it out more 

honestly, you all are the best!  notalone, blueberry, holidaya, allie - thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts.  this was perfect timing for me.i love having you all in my life.

so, the dept. of human resources, where i go for therapy, is now shut down.  sounds like the shrink got sick, so we all have phone sessions now.  i talked a bit about my shame piece, that it must be from the time i was a baby - hard to imagine instilling shame so young, but i'm now beginning to believe that's where the alexithymia also came from because i also managed to blurt out that i'm ashamed to be ashamed, and ashamed to admit i'm ashamed.  that's an awful frickin' lot of shame right there! 

i talked about how this had to have happened so young that it became a part of my essence, my being not to have any emotions except happy (altho i can remember feeling very sad as well, and that would often leak out in tears when i was getting reprimanded about something, for which i was mocked and demeaned.  so, those were my 2 emotions for most all my life.  and, i never really 'felt' the happy, but i felt sad all the time.  on very few occasions i also felt fear or anger (i can count them on one hand, literally! in my entire life, and i remember precisely the few times i got angry w/ someone and was able to express it).

so, i'm getting some emotions now, in the past 4 or so years, and that feels weird.  i'm also chipping away at that perfection pedestal, and that feels horrible.  and, i told my t today that i felt like a very small, young child, very needy.  as i thought of it during the day, i'm thinking that as all my protective devices are being shed or chipped away, it's leaving me with the feeling of when i was that young, depending on someone to take care of me.  i'm going to talk more about that to her, cuz when i said it, she said to remember that all that was in the past, it's not now.

but, until i build up some healthier resources for myself, my mind, i would think, would bring that past into the present.  an EF maybe?  i don't feel quite that defenseless right now, and it's 8 hrs. after my talk w/ her.  so, maybe i've processed some of that and those childish feelings are being able to recede a bit.  i think time will tell on that one.

in the meantime, thank you all for the support.  i'm so grateful for it.

[sanmagic7]

holidayay, i think the word excavating is an excellent word, as well as concept.  when i think of excavating, i do think of huge machinery used to dig up piles of heavy heavy dirt, rocks, roots - things that are in the way for the construction of something new and clean.  i agree with your quote, too.  i once heard (watching an episode of 'buffy' that had zombies in it reminded me of this) that if we try to bury something that's still alive, it will eventually rise up and get us again and again, until it's fully dead (resolved).

i know that my brain processed what i did because i woke up during the night with a horrible nightmare, and, for the first time, a body memory.  it was about my ex, and i could feel his body pushing against me, wanting something i didn't want to give.  one of those dreams where i was doing my best to call for help, but couldn't make myself be heard.  i'd half wake up, trying yelling, fall back asleep, repeat - this happened about 3 or 4 times.  finally i was able to get a bit of a yell out in real life, and i woke up fully, but i could still feel him.  it was gross.

i knew i couldn't go back to sleep cuz the dream would simply continue, but as i lay in bed a while, reassuring myself as to where i was, the thought came to me that he or his spirit was really pissed that i'd dare lock everything pertaining to him in a file cabinet.  this had happened once before when i threw someone out my window (figuratively) who had hurt her in the past. i could see that woman's spirit, it seemed, outside my window, so very angry at me, wanting to get at me. i told her at that time that i wasn't afraid of her, that she couldn't hurt me.

then i sort of motioned with my hand as if putting up a shield so she couldn't get at me.  it worked really well.  thinking of that, i just did the same thing with him - sent his spirit out the window, put up a shield against him.  i'm tired of him gaining entrance to my mind. i may have to do more work on this, but at least i feel like i have a direction.

thank you, holidayay for the support and wise words.  loved them love you.

[sanmagic7]

feeling better today - it was nice to get a good night's sleep.  i realized, as i lay in bed this morning, not getting up but rather staying there and allowing myself to doze off a couple times, how this seems to be the first time i'm consciously allowing myself to just continue lying in bed after i wake up, and how different that feels. 

for most of my life, when the alarm went off or the baby cried, or the kid was up or the sun rose, i was up and running immediately!  that had become such a habit, i'm only now noticing that it's something i don't have to do anymore.  my morning doesn't begin at daybreak now.  what a concept to realize!  i've probably spent 50 yrs. getting up at the crack of dawn for some reason or another - even in mexico, my hub's alarm would go off at 5, and i'd be out the door walking by 5:05. 

re-programming my brain to accept that this is not a necessity has taken a while - more than 2 yrs., but it's feeling like that pattern is beginning to break.  i have more days now where i don't wake up until after the sun is up - 2-3x/week, which is extraordinary to me.  hopefully, i continue on this path. 

feeling stronger, not so needy today, want to get some writing done, and i was able to post in a few journals, which also felt good.  then i ran out of wind, and wanted to write here before i close this door for the day.  slowly, slowly, slowly.  thoughts of my ex seem not so hateful right now, more neutral, which is what i was ultimately hoping for.  also, the image of him in a locked filing cabinet drawer helps.  he's away from me, and someone else's problem. 

i can picture it tho, and he's struggling to get out.  i can see part of his pants and a foot that are trying to gain purchase, but the lock is holding tight.  he's mad, tho, cuz he can't get at me. hah!

dang, it feels good to get some quality sleep.  weird, but good.  so, off to work.

[Three Roses]

Here's to patterns changing!

[Sceal]

That nightmare sounds just plain awful. I think you're right that zombies can represent something buried, but not dead or resolved and that's why they keep coming up and back. It's an interessting line of thought which I quite like! Thank you for sharing it with us.

I'm happy to hear that after having such a horrible night you got to have a better night. Our unconcious is working hard during the night, and things often surface that we don't realise that we need to work through, or that we are working through.

I hope you get to go on your nature walks, even during these scary times.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, sceal.  yeah, i liked the zombie imagery, too.   hope you're doing ok

rough session, it hit me physically as well, so i'm not feeling good. 

i do still get to go walking, will try to be in the forest tomorrow.

[Not Alone]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the hug, notalone.  back atcha

there were a lot of different parts to yesterday's session, including talking about my 'parts'.  we're going to save that for another time, when we can meet face to face cuz for some reason i'm terrified of getting into it.  i've been reading others' posts about their ifs journeys, and it's all fascinating to me, but from a distance.  i can see where it would be helpful, but i guess i'm just not ready to go there yet.

i started to do a funeral for my father before our session, was able to pick out the flower arrangement (it was a heart that had different colored bunches of flowers making it up - it spoke to me as being appropriate in this case. )  as i thought on it further, each different grouping of flowers - it looked like a rainbow) probably stands for a different piece of me that didn't get it's needs met, like nurturing, feeling pretty, touch, kindness,, etc.  even to where i was ashamed to be a girl (wow - that just snuck in there).

at any rate, i got about 4 lines in and i was overwhelmed.  i can't tackle him all at once, so i guess i'll make funerals separately for each one of those pieces.  that feels more do-able.   i also talked to her about how i'd done some re-parenting with help from people here, got to 18 months and everything crashed on me  and i had to stop. 

also talked about how the last time i talked to her i said i was feeling very needy, like a little girl, and she told me 'that's in the past'.  i told her that felt dismissive, and she apologized.  told her that i believe i'd gone into an EF, and she didn't know what that meant (she believes in c-ptsd, but i don't think she knows the ins and outs of it like we do - well, actually, who could! - but i felt like once more i was teaching the t how to do therapy with me).  i explained it to her, she said something about going back into the past and i can feel safe now cuz that stuff is in the past - that's what she meant.

i told her i can't feel safe anywhere right now cuz this is in my mind, so doesn't allow me to feel safe - it keeps bombarding me when i don't know it's coming.  also explained that with ef's we don't go into the past, the past comes up and grabs us, causes us to feel like we did at the time.  told her i think it's cuz some of these layers of protection i've been peeling off had shoved me back to before i had them, and i was needy because at the time i didn't get what i needed.  which, of course, why the layers were necessary in the first place.

i told her about the body memory, that i could still kinda feel it, it was gross.  that i had substituted my father for my ex in the dream that produced it, but that i'd done that kind of substitution before.  did it w/ my sister and D1 - i was mad at my sis in terrible nightmares where i was calling out and hitting/kicking the bed, wake up shaking.  eventually i realized that the substitution was because my D1 had been so sick at the same time tortuous, but i believed as a mom that i couldn't get mad at her cuz of her suffering, whether it was physical or mental/emotional.

so, it wasn't till i'd been in mex. for a couple months that i realized the substitution, and i could finally feel angry at my D1 for all she'd done to me.  with that, the nightmares stopped.  i was able to realize immediately after i woke up from this nightmare that it was my ex, not my father, who had disturbed me so badly in that dream.  now that i'm thinking about it, i've done this before, and when i looked up dreams about fathers, it said  that they represent an authority figure.  i'm thinking now about how often i deferred to my ex when i could see the black rage in his eyes - i know now it was because i'd asked a question that had gotten too close to some core something within him.

black rage is the utmost most horrifying.  he showed red rage a lot - on the road, when he lost at a video game, when he dropped ice cubes on the floor, and altho it was scary in its sound and fury, it didn't frighten me.  but when i saw the black rage in his eyes, i was frightened for my life, and backed down immediately.  so, i guess i've given him an authority standing in my life, and i can see part of that as being cuz he's super intelligent and telling me things i believed, even tho they weren't true. he spoke w/ authority, and i ended up feeling like a fool.  too many times.

so, i talked about this dream, about the body memory, told her that i needed things explained in a specific and concrete fashion cuz i have a hard time w/ imagining and creating things - it's part of the alexithymia, and autism piece, i'm guessing - for the sake of doing that.  she told me about the light stream procedure, where i imagine a stream of pure, healing light coming down thru the top of my head and attacking the body memory.  after we hung up, i began doing that, but an imagined concept of a stream of light didn't work for me, so i turned it into a light pink light saber, and that got the job done!  then i pictured all the gross parts of that body memory going into another file cabinet, and could picture a hand with a key locking those gross parts up tight.

so, for now, that file cabinet is my safe place.  he's struggling to get out, he's mad cuz i'm shoving him outside, putting up a shield in front of my window so he can't get back in.  he's mad cuz  a woman is getting the best of him, holding him accountable, even if it's only in my mind.  the misogynist gets his sense of power and control from taking apart a strong woman and breaking her into pieces - and he's done that several times over the years, but now i'm fighting back and he's not happy about it.

so, i was drained yesterday, and this was exhausting putting it all down, but i wanted to get that energy out of me and this is a safe place to put it.  i'm done for the day, tho. 

[sanmagic7]

i heard the other day that it's only when we can say our truth and are able to stop blaming ourselves that the shame and blame are able to be on who they belong.  i think i'm discovering part of this now because i'm just now discovering how much shame i've been holding for just being me.  that can't be on me!  i was a baby!

[Not Alone]

there were a lot of different parts to yesterday's session, including talking about my 'parts'.  we're going to save that for another time, when we can meet face to face cuz for some reason i'm terrified of getting into it.  i've been reading others' posts about their ifs journeys, and it's all fascinating to me, but from a distance.  i can see where it would be helpful, but i guess i'm just not ready to go there yet.

It completely makes sense that you are "terrified of getting into it." To talk about the parts is to be very vulnerable. It's a bit like being in charge of a castle and letting others know where the castle is vulnerable. For me parts hold some dark memories, so when the parts are revealed, they bring the difficult memories, which is also scary.

i can't tackle him all at once, so i guess i'll make funerals separately for each one of those pieces.  that feels more do-able.

Sounds like a wise and kind thing to do.

also talked about how the last time i talked to her i said i was feeling very needy, like a little girl, and she told me 'that's in the past'.  i told her that felt dismissive, and she apologized.  told her that i believe i'd gone into an EF, and she didn't know what that meant (she believes in c-ptsd, but i don't think she knows the ins and outs of it like we do - well, actually, who could! - but i felt like once more i was teaching the t how to do therapy with me).  i explained it to her, she said something about going back into the past and i can feel safe now cuz that stuff is in the past - that's what she meant.

I would have felt hurt and dismissed by that comment too. Glad you talked to her about it.

Glad you are fighting back and the file cabinet is closed! Good for you! 

You are working hard. Thank you for sharing. It sounds really taxing. Give yourself lots of care and rest.