stuck stuck stuck

[Blueberry]

  to you san.

[sanmagic7]

notalone, thank you so much for your comfort and caring words.  your kindness is so very welcome right now.  i appreciate all you said.

blueberry, thank you for the hugs.  they're wonderful.

seems that i was dissociated during our 'buffy' episodes the night of my therapy - we had to watch them over last nite and i was able to get emotional over them.  wow - even my d said that i was somewhere else on fri. nite.

i'm taking to heart the advice/suggestions i'm hearing about taking care of myself. unfortunately, fri. was not a good eating day, but i felt back on track yesterday, so that was good.

thinking about my funerals, how many there are yet to go feels overwhelming.  i know i have so many tears inside that need to come out, but the anticipated pain is daunting.  i will be talking to my t on tues., so i might do one in the morning beforehand.  in the meantime, tomorrow is my d's birthday and i want to make her fav coffeecake.  normally, we'd go out to a restaurant (that's our big celebration splurge), but with all of them being closed, and we don't know about the money situation yet, that 's out of the question.  at least until things and people are on the mend.

in the meantime,  we're staying safe and sane.  luckily, we can still go for walks most days.  we went forest bathing yesterday, and it was grand.  so many ferns, so much moss, and the trees are so tall, but it feels calm and protective while we're in there.  it really reminds us of jurassic park.

so, i'm still able to do a little bit of writing most days, and that makes me feel good.  3 months out of my life did 3 things for me - changed it, began a new part of it, and saved it.  it was surprising at the time because i had no idea how many changes i'd be undergoing from my old life back in the States.  like people, language, culture and everything that goes along w/ those.  i was too old to do any of that, 53, but i did it anyway.

and, i think that's the spirit that helps me keep on w/ this healing stuff, which is uplifted by the people here.  it gets drained, you refuel it.  i remember another forum member wondering if it was worth it at this late stage to keep after these demons or just spend the money on enjoying the rest of life.  i've thought about that often. as difficult and painful as this is at times, i don't think i'd be able to enjoy anything, even at this late date, if i wasn't continuing on with this work.  that makes it worth it for me.

someone else's circumstances might dictate choice differently.  i just know that, even when i'm feeling ok, as soon as i begin talking to my t, i'm nearly in tears from relief.  i've been holding up for so long, i can't tell anymore what i really need and when.  it's only when the opportunity presents itself that my brain and body react in a forceful way that they're grateful and can let down their guard.  it's those times that i'm even aware of how strong that guard is. 

[sanmagic7]

interesting to me was that i tried 2 different funerals today and neither of them 'worked' as i'd expected them to.  i know there were feelings going on because i felt disturbed somehow, but i couldn't feel pain or hurt or even sadness, and certainly no tears came out.  gonna watch some buffy and angel, see if they'll help.  they have in the past.

i also know that there was an emotional disturbance that i just couldn't grab hold of and feel because i wanted to eat, smoke, drink - something! - to smooth myself out.  happily, i didn't do any of those, but i can tell there is still something there.  maybe this is part of the process?  not sure.

[sanmagic7]

my d's birthday today - i'll be baking her cake in a little while.

i was able to get some tears out last nite, along w/ the thought 'i'm worthless'.  that has never occurred to me to think that way about myself in my entire life that i can remember.  i know logically i'm not, but having that come up - a character was fighting and yelling about how bad/evil she is - but the word 'worthless' came up for me.  so, i guess it must be in there somewhere.  i don't doubt it has to do with this perfect thing - i couldn't be perfect so i'm worthless.  the all or nothing thinking.  ugh!

well, that's something else for my t, that we can target that when i'm able to see her.  anyone else on lockdown where they can only talk to their t by phone?  i'm finding it ok, but i can do some emdr stuff on myself after the call, so i'm getting some movement, even if it's painful and disturbing and upsetting.  still, i want this junk out of me, and i know i have to go thru the pain (wanna cry now, suddenly) in order to do it.  dang, this is horrible.

[sanmagic7]

just finished on the phone w/ my t.  she suggested that i do some eft tapping, showed me the best place on the internet to learn about it - i'd seen several different versions in the past, none of which really helped - but this did tone down my stress and anxiety a bit.  she told me that any time i get these intrusive thoughts to do it again.  hope it keeps helping.  i'm quite a mess today, altho a little calmer right now.

[sanmagic7]

been doing my eft tapping, but my anxiety is running high.  i already did it a couple times this morning.  last nite it did help w/ my pre-bedtime anxiety, so that felt good.  i'll hold onto that one thing.

i had more to say, but deleted it.  doesn't do anyone any good.  i will say, tho, that i'm afraid, and my anxiety is running full tilt boogie alongside my fear.  does not feel good at all. 

[Snowdrop]

 

[Three Roses]

Hugs, dear. These are trying times. We'll stick together here and gain strength and comfort from each other! ❤️

[Blueberry]

  for you san

[sanmagic7]

snowdrop, 3r, blueberry - thank you all so much.  the hugs and support go such a long way toward helping me.   

i was able to check in w/ my t this morning, more of a little chat than therapy, and that also helped calm me.  still eft tapping during the day, which is helping a little.  felt very sluggish today, tho.  she wants me to call her tomorrow morning, too, which is comforting.  i can't tell you what it means to me to have a t like this.  what a difference it makes.

i agree, 3r, we will stick together here.  once again, the best people i've never met are more comforting and kind than way too many i've known throughout my life, and it still amazes and comforts me.  so, with all of you with me, once more i will make it to tomorrow.  thank you all.

[sanmagic7]

feeling a little less fragmented this morning, so i'm hoping to be able to write more.  this stuff is so crazy making, some days i just can't stand it!  i'm talking about the c-ptsd, but put the state of the world on top of it, and it just gets worse.  i was really in pieces the last few days - easier to see it now, but i know i still have to take it easy on myself. 

talking to my t has been good, but i think we're both a bit frustrated that we can't do more of the actual therapy part.  we've just been getting me into a holding pattern lately, which has been good cuz my anxiety has been thru the roof.  still, i do want to move forward, and that's kind of tough right now.  guess i just have to carry on, make it to tomorrow.  that's the best i can do right now.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Glad that you're feeling a little less fragmented this morning, and I'm with you on the crazy making aspects of these times, I also feel as if I can't stand it/cope at times - and also feel it's the mix of effects of the c-ptsd and the situations currently in the World.  I am sending you a loving hug of support (safe one) 
Taking each day and each moment as it comes sounds like a good idea. 
Hope 

[Not Alone]

talking to my t has been good, but i think we're both a bit frustrated that we can't do more of the actual therapy part.  we've just been getting me into a holding pattern lately, which has been good cuz my anxiety has been thru the roof.  still, i do want to move forward, and that's kind of tough right now.  guess i just have to carry on, make it to tomorrow.  that's the best i can do right now.

I get it. Glad your T is being helpful. That's a big yay!

[sanmagic7]

hope, thank you for your continuing support.  i agree that our c-ptsd does not help w/ what's going on in the world, but indeed makes it more difficult to cope with.   

notalone, thank you, too, for your continuing support.  much appreciated.   

like i told my t yesterday, it's like the lid's off the pressure cooker and now every little thing that comes up to bite me is being realized consciously and i can't contain it anymore.  things that i've pushed down, ignored, absorbed, pretended away, whatever are now in my face and i can't get rid of them.  so even tho i'm telling her all this stuff, there's no resolution until i can see her again, and who knows when that will be.  i'm mired in the swamp of despair and this morning i feel as bad as i have in a long time.

part of that is cuz last nite my eating got out of control and i cooked some sausage, and it ended up burning, smoke all over, the smoke alarm near my d's room went off and woke her up and she was yelling for me to make sure i was ok and the house wasn't on fire, and it all just got away from me and  i was opening doors and windows but it still smells bad this morning and i feel like a complete failure.

and that's an example of the things coming up for me that never got as far as being a conscious thought and something that i'd admit to.  the other day i had problems on the computer trying to get a tax form printed, and i couldn't do it, my brain went all wonky and i ended up saying out loud as i was walking away 'i hate myself'.  no, i've never, ever, ever thought that about myself before, and it's now up and out there and i can't push it down anymore.  i think my eating last nite was an attempt to bury it, but it backfired and added more fuel to these terrible thoughts about myself.

this has to be coming from childhood, but i don't want to puncture that balloon yet.  i'm so overwhelmed already.  i did some eft tapping already this morning on another issue, but i think i'll have to do more throughout the day.  this feels so awful, i feel awful.  i just wish i could curl up and fade away.

[Not Alone]

like i told my t yesterday, it's like the lid's off the pressure cooker and now every little thing that comes up to bite me is being realized consciously and i can't contain it anymore.  things that i've pushed down, ignored, absorbed, pretended away, whatever are now in my face and i can't get rid of them.  so even tho i'm telling her all this stuff, there's no resolution until i can see her again, and who knows when that will be.  i'm mired in the swamp of despair and this morning i feel as bad as i have in a long time.

I understand. And it's not like we can just put the lid back on because of covid-19. At the same time, it isn't (to me) safe to dive into the "stuff" via remote sessions.

My eating is and has been really out of control also. I don't want to take over your post, but just want you to know that I understand.

San, you didn't do anything wrong by burning the sausages. It happens. You're human. I know there is a lot behind your feelings about yourself regarding that.