stuck stuck stuck

[Blueberry]

  to you san.

[sanmagic7]

thank you, notalone, for your care and kindness.  that eating stuff, dang, i hate it when it pops its head up and takes over! and, i agree, not digging into the heavy 'stuff' is a good call right now.  i had a decent day today and i think it's cuz i've just been a bit more distracted from the crapola.  so, just staying a bit stabilized is feeling pretty good.   

thanks for the hugs, blueberry.  they always feel good.

i think part of why i feel kind of ok today is because i got some decent sleep last nite.  dang, it's amazing what a difference that makes.  i've also been eft tapping several times a day, so i think that's helping w/ my anxiety and those pesky intrusive thoughts.  just feeling a bit calmer all the way around.  was able to laugh out loud several times, which also felt good.  there have been too many days when i couldn't even do that, and for me, it really feels terrible not to be able to laugh.

so, we'll get thru this

[sanmagic7]

rocky night last nite - lots of tossing and turning, disturbing dreams that i can't remember.  this roller coaster of one day ok, several days not so much is very wearing. 

almost done with the re-do of my next book - about 20 pages left to get into some semblance of order.  then comes the tedious job of editing.  ugh!  still, glad to have something productive-feeling that i can do at home. 

my anxiety is running high again.  i'm getting mighty sick of that. eft tapping on it, but it's not staying down for long.  i am now so afraid of getting sick cuz i don't think i'd make it - my lungs are too compromised - and i don't want to leave my d in the lurch.  i know that being anxious about it just brings more stress.  and, so far, the county i live in has no cases, so i'm in the best possible place i could be.  still . . . i've never been scared to die before, and i'm not scared for myself, but for what it would do to my d.  ok, breathe and again and again.  that helped.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Sending you a hug  and hope that tonight will be more peaceful sleep-wise for you.  I know you had a rocky night last night. 

Congratulations on being almost done on your next book, and I hope that the editing will go ok.   

Hoping you feel calmer and that the breathing helps. 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, hope.  i appreciate your support and your hugs - always!  keep safe and sane, ok? 

that's about all i'm focusing on right now.  writing is a good distraction until my brain just won't work anymore.  time for a break - a peaceful time on the porch, i think. just relaxing in my rocker, a wodehouse book, the sounds of the waves lapping against the shore, the smell of the sea breeze, a comfy blanket and some fancy coffee, just for a treat.  ooooh, sounds lovely,

[sanmagic7]

just woke up from a nightmare involving my ex and my d as a little girl.  did a bunch of eft tapping, no help.  started screaming stop stop stop in my head and it's still there.  hope that by writing it down i'll get some of this out of me.


TW  ******************* reference to CSA


it had to do w/ him and CSA on D2, my baby, which, as far as i know didn't happen, but i do know that he's sexualized my D's from a very young age, which isn't right.  the first time i became aware of it (he did it while i was there) i brought it up at our couples' session the next week, and that was with that icky T, and all she said was 'that's inappropriate', and we heard no more about it.

the next time something happened that i was aware of was when D1 was about 13 or 14, and he'd started attending SA meetings.  he'd gotten the handbook, left it lying on a table in the living room, so i was aware of it.  it had a plain white cover, and one day, again, while i was there, he told D1 to take it to her room and draw something on it so it wasn't so plain.

this morning i realized that when i saw this happening, there was a ping in my head that this shouldn't be, that i should say something (i know, lots of should's, this is the first time it's really consciously registered that i'd failed to act when i should have) but i let the ping go unheeded, and she was given this book about sex addictions from her father.  and i didn't stop it!

i think, what's come to my mind this morning, is that i absolutely couldn't.  i didn't have it in me by that time to do one more thing to make that family run correctly, to fix one more thing, to confront him one more time on his )&*&t.  it would have had to be the end, but i didn't have anymore left in me to take over and make it right.  i didn't protect my girls!  time out for loads of sobbing right now.

i'm also admitting that he was leaving it up to me to stop him!  like the phrase 'stop me before i do it again'.  i called him out on it the first time anything happened, but then he freakin' used his semblance of going into recovery as another way to harm his d's.  o my heart, i hate that man so much!  and i wish i could've been stronger at the time to put an end to it.  but i just couldn't!  i couldn't even tho i knew for that single moment in time that i was the one who should've/could've, and i didn't.

i know, logically, it's his fault, he was the one who actually did it, but the thought just crossed my mind that so many people blame themselves for not stopping their abusers, and i was a 40-yr. old woman who didn't have it in her to stop something!  o my god in heaven, i wish he were dead!  then i wouldn't have to think of him having  any kind of interaction w/ my girls anymore, wouldn't be reminded that he's still in d2's life when she talks about how 'we' as her parents always made her feel loved, 'we' did this and that for her.  he wooed the women in his life just the right amount so that we'd keep hanging onto him. 

this dream enforces the notion that my feelings are absolutely appropriate toward him.  i heard on a show the other night someone talking about forgiveness.  the response was that in time it will be taken care of.  he has insinuated himself into so much of my life in such a neg. way, and he had the audacity to tell me, long after we were divorced how he was surprised that i wasn't happy in the marriage cuz he thought it was going pretty good.  of course he did!  it was going all his own way! 

i hate myself right now.  that's the second time in a week.  for my arrogance in thinking i could love that man enough, give him enough positives, that he'd eventually be able to see the glass as half full.  i couldn't and he never did.

[Snowdrop]

Oh San, I'm sorry.

I've read what you've written, and his behaviour is 100% on him. Not you. I honestly believe that. Please don't beat yourself up about things you did or didn't do, because none of it was your fault. It's on him.

I hope writing has helped. If I may, I'll wrap you up in a big hug where it's safe and you're loved.

[sanmagic7]

omg, snowdrop, just what i needed.  thank you for all your words.

just finished w/ my t - it was pretty much a crying session.  i'm feeling very low.  all she could do was make compassionate noises.  she did tell me that next time i hear myself saying 'i hate myself' to turn that around and say 'no, i hate him!'.  just hearing that brought a fresh round of tears.

i'm in a very low, dark place right now.  my legs aren't working right now, so i can't walk.  i will just stay cuddled up, let the meds do their work, and hopefully i'll be able to call a shrink later today to see if i can get medicinal help with this, more than just xanax. 

i've been without ICr words for most of my life, so to have these come up now on top of everything else is just feeling overwhelming.  these neg. feelings toward myself, the shame, guilt, blame are so horrible to feel.  i don't know how people have lived with and felt these during their lives. i'm at a standstill, can barely move. 

i know logically and consciously that this isn't my fault, i did the best i could at the time, but another realization was that i was afraid.  didn't realize that till i was talking to her. that 'ping' i heard in the back of my head was a warning not to act.  i've seen the black rage in his eyes when i've said things he didn't like, and i immediately backed down.  with the book incident, i think i knew intuitively that i mustn't do anything, so i couldn't protect my d, either.  o, i hate him!  no wonder i ran for my life - he was literally driving me insane!

[Blueberry]

 

[Not Alone]

  Sending a blanket, tea, and tissues. And lots of hugs. 

[sanmagic7]

blueberry and notalone, your hugs are invaluable.  thank you so much.  also loving all the cozy caring goodies, notalone!

talked to my t this morning, and we've finally decided that this phone stuff just isn't doing the trick, so my d helped us set up skype so we can maybe get to resolving some of the gunk that's coming up and not getting resolved.  it just keeps piling up and without resolution i'm beginning to get really down, like i'm drowning in it and can't get away

she's also gonna talk to the doc there on my behalf so i can get more meds for the anxiety before i run out, possibly even some anti-depressants, if i need them.  my t thinks i'm just terribly down from being exhausted with dealing w/ all this stuff that's not giving me a break.  maybe.  but it goes to some pretty dark places every so often.

hopefully, skype will work out better, and i can get some healing done.  these nightmares about my ex are just running me ragged.  after having a terrible day yesterday, i wasn't able to get to sleep till about 5 this morning.  luckily i can take naps, so that helps.  still, my system is so unregulated re: sleep, i don't know if i'll ever get it back to something resembling 'normal'.

this will be my third visit w/ her this week - crazy-making.  one step, then another, just to stay sane.  ugh!

[holidayay]

Wow, I can so see all the effort and gritty determination you have in healing, and I really find it so admirable and amazing. Your proactive attitude makes me think how brilliant you are doing in healing because it makes me picture you advocating for the parts of you that were ignored and went through such difficult times and with a firm resolve, too.
You are doing so well in that regard, in my opinion. I know things sometimes don't feel like it, especially during the more difficult days, but I just wanted to say that, because its easier to see things objectively, isn't it? I hope you're able to find a little bit more peace today and get a bit of a break. This stuff is REALLY hard. I've been in the thick of it the past few days and can totally relate. Exhaustion sometimes doesn't even cover it...it's like I get to exhaustion, cross it, and enter some abyss where ...where everything is in a big tornado in my head...exhaustion mixed with anxiety mixed with flashbacks and uffff  But then it always passes.
i'm so rooting for you 

blueberry and notalone, your hugs are invaluable.  thank you so much.  also loving all the cozy caring goodies, notalone!

talked to my t this morning, and we've finally decided that this phone stuff just isn't doing the trick, so my d helped us set up skype so we can maybe get to resolving some of the gunk that's coming up and not getting resolved.  it just keeps piling up and without resolution i'm beginning to get really down, like i'm drowning in it and can't get away

she's also gonna talk to the doc there on my behalf so i can get more meds for the anxiety before i run out, possibly even some anti-depressants, if i need them.  my t thinks i'm just terribly down from being exhausted with dealing w/ all this stuff that's not giving me a break.  maybe.  but it goes to some pretty dark places every so often.

hopefully, skype will work out better, and i can get some healing done.  these nightmares about my ex are just running me ragged.  after having a terrible day yesterday, i wasn't able to get to sleep till about 5 this morning.  luckily i can take naps, so that helps.  still, my system is so unregulated re: sleep, i don't know if i'll ever get it back to something resembling 'normal'.

this will be my third visit w/ her this week - crazy-making.  one step, then another, just to stay sane.  ugh!

[Blueberry]

this will be my third visit w/ her this week - crazy-making.  one step, then another, just to stay sane.  ugh!

Yes, but as you wrote over on my Journal, these are crazy-making times, especially for people like us with underlying stuff anyway. You have done so much work on your own, I think it's good this new T of yours is seeing you more often than might be normal to help keep you sane. 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, holidayay for all the support and validation. i didn't even think of working for my parts - that's new territory for me, so it doesn't come to mind, but it was positive for me that you could see that.  i appreciate you saying something about it.

hey, blueberry, you're so right.  this is a messed up time. and i am grateful for my t taking this time for and with me.  thank you for all your support, and those hugs are absolutely the best!

so, i was able to work w/ my t this morning on skype, and the results were amazing!  being able to do the eye movements with her made all the difference.  i was able to resolve both my dreams about my ex, and i was feeling helpless cuz i couldn't make the images or the intrusions go away, both of which were driving me nuts. 

during the session, tho, there was a point where i was able to take my hand and forcefully, like a super hero strength, push one of the images out the window.  after i did that, both my hands felt like they were filled w/ pure energy, and if i'd wanted to (which, for a minute, i did very much want to) i could've projected that energy toward him in order to hurt him.  it felt that strong and powerful.

however, i didn't want to be about harming someone, no matter what he'd done, so i took a minute out to wash my hands, send that energy and temptation down the drain.  what it did do, tho, was remove that helpless feeling.  i don't feel helpless anymore against him, and the new image that is in my mind is that my baby is now safe and his hand was cut off at the wrist.  he cannot hurt my babies anymore.  they're safe.

i also invoked my guardian angel to take care of him for me - take care of him meaning, do what needs to be done to him.  i don't want to send neg. energy out into the universe, but i believe that he will get what's coming to him, and i'm satisfied with that.  i also realized how much authority he had over me because of his insidiousness in undermining me from day one.  each thing he did was a test for me, but it was so subversive, so sly and underhanded, that i didn't know what was happening to me.

i did tell my t that i believe he is evil, and she said there is no other way to think of him.  i've skirted around believing in evil most of my life, but this finally feels right.  her validation felt great.  hopefully, this will keep those images at bay, and the intrusions will stop and give me a little peace.  after i was finished, my d and i went for a walk - my legs were back, and very strong - and she told me that i seemed 100 times better than i had before the session, that i looked completely different.  i told her i felt cleansed. 

all in all, this was good.  my t and i also believe that because of the way i process, and am able to express everything that's going on with me while processing, that we'd be able to do this by phone if my d needs her laptop for work, so that feels really good, too.  being able to resolve all this crapola that has kept coming up, triggering me into a downward spiral, piling up on top of me so i could barely breathe makes all the difference.  once again, i have hope.  just talking on the phone, while it was nice to touch base with her, really wasn't resolving anything.  being able to utilize the emdr technique again is saving me, and i'm so grateful. 

so, i'm feeling pretty dang good right about now.  i won't be in touch w/ her till next tues., so we'll see how the weekend goes.  wow, what a blessing i've been given.

[Snowdrop]

Oh that's great news San!  and  .