stuck stuck stuck

[Not Alone]

Glad you had such a positive, helpful session. You are working hard. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, snowdrop and notalone.

struggling today.  watched a show about a mom dying, and i cried for my own mother who's been dead for years and years.  at the time, tho, i was an active alcoholic, and, while i was there when she died, i immediately went to the bar w/ my sis and got drunk.  when it came time for the memorial service, i didn't go.  i was afraid that i would break down and cry, sob, completely lose it, and seeing as how i was the oldest in our fam, and crying was frowned upon, being strong and feisty was rewarded, i went out w my sis and her friends instead.

we drove past the church, raised our bottles to my mom, and i stayed away all nite.  shame and guilt are washing over me now at my behaviors, but i couldn't bring myself to looking less than whole in front on anyone.  this feels like i'm going to confession.

i apologized to my mom last nite.  but i'm very sad and guilt-ridden this morning.  i wanted to put this here, get some of it out of me.  don't know if it's working, but maybe a little bit. 

i'm also so sad at the way i was brought up, that i felt i had to go to such lengths to avoid looking 'weak' in front of others.  didn't know how to take sympathy, condolences, or anything good from someone else.  that's a shame in itself - not on me, but that i believed and lived that.  ok, it finally does feel better.  i think it's cuz i put the shame where it belongs. not that i want to dismiss my behaviors - i own them - but i also know they were a direct product of not only what i was taught but how i was treated. 

weird how this stuff works.  we do the opposite at the time of what we believe is wrong now.  i guess that's what learning is all about, and the work of recovery/healing.  still, i feel pretty crappy today, it took a lot out of me.  guess i'll go to the porch for the rest of the day, rock and read and listen to the waves hitting the shore.

[Sceal]

I think that you did the best that you could at the time when you lost your mother. It might not be the way you would have handled things right now, should it have happened at this time and stage of your life. But I believe you did the best you could at the time. Alocholism is a disease, and you were handling your loss the way you'd been taught.
Your mother was one of the people who taught you this.

Perhaps you can allow yourself to grieve your mother, and to grieve who you were back then. But you have nothing to feel guilty about. (although, me saying so probably doesn't change anything).

Big hug! You are a wonderful person, San.

[Not Alone]

i'm also so sad at the way i was brought up, that i felt i had to go to such lengths to avoid looking 'weak' in front of others.  didn't know how to take sympathy, condolences, or anything good from someone else.  that's a shame in itself - not on me, but that i believed and lived that.  ok, it finally does feel better.  i think it's cuz i put the shame where it belongs. not that i want to dismiss my behaviors - i own them - but i also know they were a direct product of not only what i was taught but how i was treated. 

The tools you were given for handling grief were limited if not outright broken. Your behaviors were a result of what you were taught and how you were treated. Be kind to yourself.

[sanmagic7]

thank you, sceal.  what you say means a lot to me, always.  i actually did do a funeral for my mother this morning.  it began by writing several apologies for how i handled things with her after i was an adult, as well as her memorial service, but i also wrote a lot of what was inside me about how she raised me.  i know she was traumatized as a child, had no nurturing herself, but i wrote that, while i understood, i still didn't get the mother i needed.  it was a funeral to lay that perspective to rest - the mother i didn't have.  there were tears, but they were exactly what was needed - grieving tears.  i'm glad i did it.   


thank you, too, notalone.  you're absolutely spot on - i was given no tools for anything emotional.  i'm glad i can see that and grieve it and be much less ashamed and guilty about myself.  thank you for your kindness.

so, in therapy this morning, i also cleaned out a lot more stuff about my ex, but i'm pretty tired right now.  it's working.

[Blueberry]

  You keep going, doing so much brave work! I'm glad you see/feel your own progress with this topic already.
I agree with what's already been commented, e.g. you weren't given the tools to deal with the emotions. Actually I read your post yesterday but was not in a state to comment. I wanted to say that I find it difficult to write about my imperfections from the past or present. You did, that's brave, and I accept you the way you are. A bit like acceptance in a 12 step group. I hope that feels good for you. I guess it's like saying I don't see that you need to feel shame or guilt, though I don't know that my saying so will change anything for you.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, what you said is so important.  thank you.  it truly does make a difference.  i appreciate you and what you say - you are not someone who says things lightly, so, yeah, it feels really good.

being able to admit what went on with me in the past, and getting the acceptance, caring, support, and kindness from people here makes a lot of the shame and guilt go away.  you all are people who have been there, who have an understanding and acceptance that i've never found anywhere else.  that always makes a difference.  it's like having the bad stuff washed away because you all tell me what i need to hear w/o judgment, but with an allowance for what had been missing in my life.  that is a precious jewel given to me, and i cherish it.  thank you.

today i'm all a-twitter waiting to get a call from a doc who will hopefully prescribe me the meds i need.  my t told me she's not fond of prescribing xanax - the whole addiction thing, i guess, which ticks me off cuz i already know i'm physically addicted to the stuff (i've been taking it for 20 yrs. or so because of restless leg syndrome so that i can get some restful sleep at nite) but i haven't changed the dosage in all that time, so i'm not using it to get high.  just to be able to function in the world.

that's the difference i've thought of between medicine and drugs - drugs are used to that people can get themselves out of reality, while medicine helps people stay in reality and function properly there.  i've had that conversation with a lot of addicts who were afraid to take meds cuz they think of them as drugs.  2 different horses.

anyway, i hope i get some help.  my supply is running low, and my t had told me to take xanax every day to help me thru this terrible patch i've been experiencing since last sept.  she thinks i'm exhausted from it all rather than depressed, but we haven't had enough time to work on it to bring it down to the point where i can manage a day without being totally frizzed out.  so, fingers crossed!

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
I hope your doctor phones you soon and sorts out those medications for you.  Sending you a hug 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, hope, for the smile and the hug.  needed that today, so perfect timing!

day 1 of new meds.  ok, so i got a scrip for an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety pill.  the pharmacist told me to wean myself off the xanax at night as i start these, so it was 1/2 dose of both.  it knocked me out last nite in about an hour, and i slept longer than usual. so far so good.  however, my back is killing me.  u take 2 advil before bed, and that'll keep my back pain in check for the most part, for 24 hrs.  this morning, it felt like i hadn't taken them last nite.  possibility, cuz maybe i forgot?  i was pretty scattered yesterday what w/ talking to a new doc and all. 

i also know that my back often hurts more than usual if i stay in bed too long, and that certainly happened last nite.  the pain is also up into my neck and the back part of my shoulders, which doesn't happen otherwise..  i don't feel especially rested tho, more kind of dopey and drugged.  i can feel that behind my eyes.  i know anything new takes a while for the body/brain to adjust to it, so i'm not quitting it yet (even tho the pain is screaming at me). we'll see, i guess.  just wanted to put this down so i have a running account of what's going on.  so far, not so good.

[sanmagic7]

day 2 of new med - last nite i had a mild panic attack when the 2 meds kicked in.  this has happened to me in the past when i've taken more than my normal dose of xanax - and was also a constant when i was using pot.  (still used it tho, haha, even when i was worried sick about being able to breathe.  it wasn't till years after i quit that i told a doc about those experiences that he told me those were panic attacks.  live and learn!)

i did make sure to take ibuprofen right before i went to sleep, and my back is ok this morning.  spent another 8 hrs. sleeping, off and on after about 6 hrs.  still lots of dreams.  my legs still don't feel right, are wobbly when i walk.  it just feels like an unnatural gait.  we'll see.

[Not Alone]

 

[Snowdrop]

 

[sanmagic7]

notalone and snowdrop, thank you both for the hugs.  love 'em!

day 3 meds - i staggered my 2 meds last nite by about 15 min. and no panic attack.  good to know.  i also woke up from a nightmare about 4 this morning, so, only 4 hrs. of sleep.  the meds wanted to put me back to sleep, but the images of the nightmare continued every time i closed my eyes, so i made myself stay awake.  my legs feel like i've got heavy ankle weights on them - that's how my gait is today.  don't know that it's worse than yesterday, maybe a little.  i do know that i don't have my regular stride right now, not by a long shot.  still feels very awkward, but also add clumsy to the mix.

it's easter, and i'm glad i'm not in mexico.  this is semana santa (holy week) down there, and since our town had a beach, thousands of people came down from the deserts of calif., camped on the beach, garbage all over, used it for a bathroom, drunks all over the place - it was absolutely horrible.  extra loud music from our neighbors played for 2 days and nights running.  needless to say there was very little about it that was holy.  i don't know if they have any restrictions down there as far as corona goes, so i'm a bit worried for the people who live there.  ugh!

carrying on as best i can, just waiting this trial period of the meds out.  hoping my legs come back to me.  walked a little bit yesterday but it was slow and laborious.  ugh, again.

[sanmagic7]

it's this afternoon and i'm even more distressed.  my knee has buckled already today, and i'm walking/shuffling now, baby steps cuz my knees are totally weird.  don't know how much more of this i can stand - my #1 priority is not to fall, but i've already had that experience in the past cuz of meds, and i broke my wrist and something in my back.  i'm really tensing up  . ...

just realized i'm really pissed at this doc for dismissing my experience w/ meds.  she told me this would take about 4-6 wks., i told her this stuff has shown itself to me in 3-5 days, she said 'that's the placebo effect', like i didn't know what i was talking about, didn't know what my body was doing, how it was responding.   ugh!  spare me from doctors!!!

[Snowdrop]

This sounds awful, San. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I feel angry on your behalf with the doctor dismissing your experience with meds.