stuck stuck stuck

[Blueberry]

Sending you strength and compassion, san

[sanmagic7]

i so appreciate it, blueberry. thank you.

[Not Alone]

 

[sanmagic7]

  back atcha, notalone.  thanks.

headache tonite.  still hangin' on, but it's a struggle.  i'm really tired of struggling. . . . .

[Snowdrop]

Not long to go until your appointment, dear San.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, snowdrop

just want to get this out, cuz my mind is becoming overcrowded and suffocating me.  the closer this appt. comes, the more nervous i get.  2 hr. assessment appt.  i can't imagine anything coherent coming out of me cuz it's all so convoluted, so intertwined, everything w/ everything else, one detail leads to another issue.  i told her some of the stuff on the phone and finally stopped cuz i sounded to myself like i was ranting.  i so want this to be different for me.  every story has so many details, and there are so many stories it feels like i could talk for hours and hours and not get everything out.  right now the entire premise feels impossible.  i'm drowning in this and i *should* be looking forward to something that's going to help me not be like this.   

i can't even make sense of what i'm saying here, but i just don't want this inside me anymore.

[Not Alone]

You certainly will not be able to tell her everything in 2 hours, and I doubt that she expects that. When I go to therapy I feel a mix of anticipation because I will be heard. I also feel fear or anxiety because it means diving into pain. Would it help if you write bullet points of what you want to cover? Your increasing nervousness makes complete sense to me. You will be seeing a professional and if she is good, she will be able to help and guide you through the assessment. Hang in there, dear San.

[Tee]

I agree with Notalone try to make list just in case.  Just breathe you will be great.  Hugs!

[Snowdrop]

 

I was assessed earlier in the year, and it was a mix of going through my story, and going through my symptoms. I took in notes on both. I had to go through standard questionnaires for my symptoms. These included ones on depression, general anxiety disorder and PTSD.

[sanmagic7]

notalone, tee, and snowdrop - love you, and thanks

had a breakdown yesterday, still not able to move my legs very well, having a hard time walking yet today. 

my d, who edited my book, did everything for it, also put it on the market as an e-book.  the print version is not available yet, as it had to be roofed.  the proof came in the mail the other day and i haven't even been able to look at it yet.  too much excitement = too much stress on top of everything else that's been going on.  so, ok, she's going to take care of it all for me.  i still haven't looked at my program in book form, a dream of mine for 25 yrs.  tears welling up now just writing this.

yesterday, she called to me as i passed by her office, very excited.  she'd gotten notification that someone had bought the e-book!  i was stunned, yelled o f* me, and collapsed against the wall sobbing,  as people have mentioned here, it became ugly crying, and i just began sliding down the wall cuz i couldn't stand anymore.  these were not tears of joy or release, but sobs of agony all leading back to my ex who'd told me he wouldn't edit my work because he didn't want his name attached to something that was going to fail.

i absorbed that, just like i absorbed eve4ry other bad thing that had happened between us, and that was that.  since he was a journalism major in college, i'd gone to him as someone who knew about words and such.  i didn't realize the impact of his words till yesterday.

he ruined this for me (tears starting again), this day that should've been a validating triumph for me.  my d told me it was really good, the program was really good, that just by reading thru it w/o doing any of the exercises it's helped her w/ awareness and guilt.  i've always believed it was a good program, feedback has told me that, but his dismissal, someone i thought loved me and wanted to help me, did more damage than i ever imagined.

i'm shaking right now, repeatedly said yesterday and this morning that i hate him, even pounded my bed a bit in anger but i don't have the energy.  i can't believe this *. i have never hated a human being in my life, but i hate him, and this is all so sad to me that i can't enjoy this.  maybe someday, but right now i'm a husk, can't hardly move.  i know my appt. is wed., but right this minute i just want this all to go away.  tears now.  i guess this is another xanax day - i just have to get thru today to tomorrow.  then, one more time.

my d said yesterday that she hoped i wasn't going anywhere, and i told her i had no plans to.  if it weren't for her, i don't know how i'd hang on.  this stuff sucks so much, sucks the life out of people, sucks the joy out, the happiness, the plain old enjoyment of being alive.  i'll make it, but i'm so mad about this, that i can't revel in this accomplishment.  i hate it.  sad to bursting.

[Snowdrop]

Oh San, I'm so sorry. I understand how emotional finishing something like that can be, and I completely get it flooring you in that way. I'm glad that you were able to write about it though, and I'm also glad your d has been so supportive.

There's not long to go until your appointment, dear one. You can make it. I'm sending you all the love and hugs in the world. Maybe some time on the porch would help?

[sanmagic7]

thanks, snowdrop.  already there, don't know for how long.  i'm blasted.

[Kizzie]

these were not tears of joy or release, but sobs of agony all leading back to my ex who'd told me he wouldn't edit my work because he didn't want his name attached to something that was going to fail.

San I know this probably goes without saying but it's likely  your ex responded as he did not because he believed you would fail, but that  you would succeed as you have (congrats! )  And how small does that make him?  It hurts I know, but if you can summon up some righteous anger to counterbalance the blow I think you will be able to feel your success more and leave your ex's comments where they belong, in the rubbish. 

If/when you're ready and the book comes out in print, I hope you will consider letting me add it to the  "Books" section, and even perhaps do a blog article about the what it's about and the reason you wrote it. As you may/may not know there have been a number of survivor authors write about their books at the blog.

Here for you as you have been for us 

 

[Not Alone]

these were not tears of joy or release, but sobs of agony all leading back to my ex who'd told me he wouldn't edit my work because he didn't want his name attached to something that was going to fail.

i absorbed that, just like i absorbed eve4ry other bad thing that had happened between us, and that was that.  since he was a journalism major in college, i'd gone to him as someone who knew about words and such.  i didn't realize the impact of his words till yesterday.

I wish there was a stomping feet emoji because I am mad at your ex for being so unkind and using poisonous words. San, I am sending you a ton of love.  You have your precious daughter who loves you and we are here for you too. Keep going day by day, moment by moment if you need to. Last night was a xanax night for me too to keep from SI. Yes, this all really sucks. 

[sanmagic7]

kizzie, thank you.  once again, a different perspective hit all the right notes.  the way you put it, something that hadn't crossed my mind, clicked pieces into place in a way they hadn't before.  suddenly, i wanted to break things!  since that wasn't practical, i took a crate of shoes, went downstairs (i told my d what i was about to do, she put her headphones on) and began throwing shoes against the door w/ all my might, yelling, screeching -pretty guttural and primal - cursing, and kept throwing as hard as i could, over and over until i was panting and sweating and got it all out.  just as suddenly, my legs worked again, and even this morning i feel pretty much back to normal.

righteous anger, indeed!  this has happened before w/ my legs, many, many times.  often, i've had to wait days on end before i could walk properly again.  when i finally connected it to anger,and was able to do something physical and basic to get it out of me, all that neg. energy was released and i got my power back again.  repressed anger takes it away even on a physical level.

yesterday morning i knew i should be angry about this, but when i tried beating the bed, i just didn't have enough energy to do even that.  once i could feel the anger welling up, recognized it for what it was, the 'should' turned to something that 'was', and my energy returned in a very real way.   it was your words, those certain words at that certain time that turned the tide for me.  thank you so much, kizzie.  timing is everything.

notalone, thank you, my dear.  the idea of a foot-stomping emoji is so right on! especially in my case, cuz that's just how this hits me every time.  i love the idea!  getting my emotions up to my consciousness is a process for me, and doesn't always happen anyway.  but, anger, i've found, is where my power lies.  i rarely got angry in the past, just didn't feel it, but every so often, when i was pushed to my limits, it would explode, and i'd do something physical.  once i pushed my sister down the hall (she got me back later that day - she was a bully), once i threw a plate of spaghetti at the wall (hub #1), and i yelled at hub #2 when the crapola hit the fan before i left mex.

all the rest of my life, anger has been absorbed, and my muscles are full of toxins (i'm sure of that) and painful (have been diagnosed w/ fibromyalgia), but, as van der kolk says, the body keeps the score, so i believe all this phys/emot. stuff is related and connected.  part of why i write about this stuff is cuz i don't want others to have this happen to them.  getting this gunk out of us is so important!  i don't want anyone to go thru what i go thru physically cuz they kept their emotions/feelings inside.

so, thank you, notalone, for all your love and well wishes.   i hope you can tap into your own  stuff that's hurting you and let it out.  so very sorry for the extent your issues take you - i've been there, and it's not a fun place to be.  i'm glad for xanax as it's helped keep you with us.

as for my book, kizzie, i don't know if you really want it posted here.  it is a self-help book detailing a program i created about 25 yrs. ago that addresses body image, food and eating issues and everything connected to them, how to 're-discover your personal power of choice'.  it's not my personal story, altho the issues are gleaned from both a personal and professional experience.  i'll pm you.  thanks for the offer, tho.  we'll see.

in the meantime, this morning i can walk, my head is clearer than it has been in a long time, and even the nervousness about seeing this new t has abated.  (still a little nervous, but right now it feels manageable).  so much of anger is connected to personal empowerment - it amazes me to this day.

thank you all for being with me thru all this.  sending love and a hug filled w/ gratitude for you being you.