stuck stuck stuck

[Snowdrop]

You are such a strong, fierce warrior. Well done. and  .

[Kizzie]

   San, glad you got it out and you're feeling better. 

Could not agree more with you about the trauma poisoning/inflaming our systems:

all the rest of my life, anger has been absorbed, and my muscles are full of toxins (i'm sure of that) and painful (have been diagnosed w/ fibromyalgia), but, as van der kolk says, the body keeps the score, so i believe all this phys/emot. stuff is related and connected.  part of why i write about this stuff is cuz i don't want others to have this happen to them.  getting this gunk out of us is so important!  i don't want anyone to go thru what i go thru physically cuz they kept their emotions/feelings inside.

We really do need to get the trauma out of our body, not just our mind and heart. 

[Snowdrop]

Fingers crossed for today, San.

[sanmagic7]

i agree, kizzie.  it has to go somewhere, and if we don't express it, let it out, it will stay inside and hurt us.  thank you.

snowdrop, what can i say.  you're spot on once again in the middle of my night - it's 3 am and i'm already awake.  innards are a mess.  that 2 days of feeling so high and happy quickly dissolved into nervous and fear.  afraid i won't like her, she won't live up to my expectations, she won't like me, or just find that she bit off more than she can chew.

since most all my woundings are intercionnected, detailed stories that hark back to others, i don't see a very straight path here.  i'm worrying myself for nothing, i know, but i know how this process goes, and there will be continuing tendrils reaching out when we're working on one part.  so much attached to everything else.  i can only trust the magic - 3r, i hear you in my head - and have faith in myself to deal with this, do what i need to do.

thanks, snowdrop!   

[Snowdrop]

We're all here, and we've got your back.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, snowdrop.  it's reassuring.   

[sanmagic7]

it was a rough assessment - i talked for about 1 1/2 hrs., then my brain shut down and my legs stopped working, so i ended up hobbling out of there, but i'm glad she was able to see how quickly that happens.  i explained to her about ef's, amygdala hijacking, and gave her handouts on alexithymia, how it can play out physically as well as the emotional disconnect.  she wasn't familiar w/ any of them, but at the end i did ask if she thought my diagnosis was complex ptsd and she said absolutely. 

she was also one of those people who smiles and nods a lot, which, while i was blubbering as i was immersed in my past, was quite off-putting.  it wasn't long before i told her i had to stop and ask if she found this stuff humorous, cuz of all the smiling.  she jerked her head back, said no, and i said i asked cuz i am as far away from a smiley face as was possible.  she then said she was just trying to lighten . . . and i said, lighten the mood?  there is nothing here to lighten.  i then told her that if this was too much for her, if she was uncomfortable with this, that i would leave, and that would be ok, i'd understand.  i think that brought her up sharply.

she immediately made her face serious, apologized several times, and said oh no, that 's not it at all, i'm very sorry.  i told her that i felt i had to be totally honest with her, and she said she appreciated that. we were able to continue after that.  i also told her that i needed help, direction, and therapy, that the last t i fired was cuz she told me she was there to support and validate me, and that i ended up writing to her refusing to pay the balance of what i'd owed cuz she hadn't done anything for me.

i also told her about this place saying that i got plenty of support and validation from everyone here, and she took the name down.  she also asked if she could keep my copies of info on alexithymia.  those 2 things gave me a little hope that she may be willing to do her own work on this stuff.  we'll see how it goes in later sessions, especially when the actual eye movement/trauma processing phase begins.  i told her about the work we here on the forum did in letting other emdr t's know about how re-traumatized people had become from their t's, even those who'd purported to be trauma informed. 

so, i basically laid it all out there.  this is my last shot, and i've got to have it the best way for me or i was ready to walk.  not gonna put up with the b.s. anymore.  enough is enough.  she's my last shot, and i don't have time to waste anymore.  i've got several more appts. set up, and she's got lots of info w/ which to work and set up a plan for treatment.  so, full steam ahead.

more good news is that i told her about the med problem i was having w/ my doc on prescribing xanax for me in order to not only sleep but to combat the occasional anxiety from going thru waves of triggers.   she told me that there's a shrink in the building who she can refer me to in order to get the med problem taken care of.  she referred to those meds as the 'naughty' meds, twice, which struck me as a little weird, but i let that pass.  pick your battles, right?   we also talked about whether i was depressed, i said i didn't think so, but at this point i can't tell anymore.  she thinks we'll try getting rid of the trauma stuff first, see if there's any underlying depression later.  so, that's another wait and see.

i'll go back in 2 weeks, and then have weekly appts. lined up for jan.  we'll see what happens, but right now, i'm in, and looking forward to seeing a shrink for the meds.  that would be good. 

thank you all for all your support.  i'm pretty much a wreck right now, it might be a few days before i get my legs back, but i got thru it.  trust the magic - a friend gave me a stone on which she wrote that, and i took it along w/ me today.  i think it helped me be able to speak up.  it was an unexpected strength that coursed thru me as i was telling her what i needed and what i was looking for and what i didn't want.  that felt extra good.  just wanted to get this out, but i'll probably be kicking back for a few days.  i need my energy right now to process all this, get myself back together. 

i hope everyone enjoys their holiday or generally their weekend.  love and hugs all around.

[Snowdrop]

It sounds as though it was rough, but well done for getting through it. Well done for speaking up. Well done for telling her what you need. Well done for telling her what you don't need.

I hope you get lots of rest. Thinking of you, and sending you love, hugs and support.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, snowdrop.  it did feel good to say all those things.  some of what's going on w/ her face contortions may be personality stuff - she seemed like the kind of person who likes to be pleasing to people, but that's for another day.  only a few times did her face and voice match a sense of realness, which i would prefer.  don't know what she's like as a t, yet, but i'll keep the faith.   

[Blueberry]

It sounds as though it was rough, but well done for getting through it. Well done for speaking up. Well done for telling her what you need. Well done for telling her what you don't need.

to you san

[Deep Blue]

Just hugs San... just hugs

[sanmagic7]

blueberry and db, thank you so for the hugs.  they are cradling me.  it just occurred to me that i may be incredibly strong to the outside, but inside i'm still rather mushy.  i don't normally notice that, but i can feel it right now.  yeah, like i just want to be cared for.  those hugs are all very caring.  this must be what warm fuzzies feel like.  love them, love you. 

[Not Alone]

San, glad you got through that assessment and that you were able to speak up for yourself. Well done. Sounds extremely taxing. Give yourself whatever care is needed. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, notalone.  it was difficult, i talked till my brain shut down, but got thru a lot.  i'm glad i was able to say what i needed to say, too.  my entire demeanor changed when i did that - just realized that, now.  i was no victim reciting past woundings.  instead, i was very straightforward and serious about what was on my mind, had no fear at all.  strange how that took over. 

still don't have my legs all the way back, but i was able to walk a couple blocks this evening, so that felt good at least.  time, time, time . . .

[sanmagic7]

i finally got my legs back today, was able to walk to the store, and that felt really good.  looking forward to my next appt., hoping i'll be less uncomfortable w/ her as she gets into doing therapy w/ me.  we'll see.  so far, tho, it feels good to get myself back to my normal.  yay!