stuck stuck stuck

[Not Alone]

Great that the needle has moved off of "10."
No, you should not be hurt anymore. Glad you noticed that and did the caring thing.

i don't think she's ever had an emdr t as a client before, and i think she's afraid that she's gonna insult my therapist intelligence by repeating parts of the protocol to me, so i'm going to let her know next time that when i'm there as her client, i don't want to think like a t, that i need to be reminded of things.  it's too much energy to do both jobs at once, and this feels like a luxury that someone is actually taking care of me.  it feels really good.

Good insight. It think it will be good to clarify that with her.
So glad that your session was positive.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, notalone, for your support.

i do think it's a rather unique thing - not too many emdr t's have the same for a client.   i'm feeling better than yesterday, and looking forward to my next session.  i was able to walk my mile this morning, smell the smells, hear the ocean, use my muscles.  it was great to be able to do that again. 

it was really difficult yesterday to write here that i am a food addict.  i think part of that is because i've just written a book all about food and eating choices, and there's a bit of a 'should' attached to that - i 'should' have it altogether on that front.  i mean, i've created that program some 25 yrs. ago, one might think that i 'should' have it all together by now.

i've felt some shame and guilt about that.  i don't always eat what's best for me, i eat when i'm not hungry, i eat too much at times - all stuff that my program addresses.  i also saw linda ronstadt at the kennedy center last weekend.  she was so beautiful, looked like a model for the entirety of her performing career.  then she got sick w/ m.s., and her body has been wrecked by having to cope w/ that illness.  but she was still there, she was still advocating, she was still a formidable presence.

and she inspires me for that reason.  my body isn't the same as it was when i was 30 or 50, and i've been sick ever since then, or i was regulating my weight in an unhealthy manner - mainly by smoking instead of eating.  at 30, i was drinking instead of eating.  at 50, i was so depressed, i just wasn't eating.  once i got sick, tho, all the wonderful things i know about self-care in the food and eating department went out the window, and i feel reservations about promoting my program cuz i don't have the perfect body anymore.

but, linda ronstadt doesn't either, yet she still stands proud for what she believes in, and i want to keep that concept in front of me while i continue w/ my healing, and the belief that i don't have to hurt myself anymore, especially w/ food.  that's been a big part of SH for me over the years.  i sincerely don't want to keep doing that.  i just want to be healthy, have a healthy body, rather than focus on looking like i did when i was younger. 

i guess i needed to get this out here, to attempt to put some of that guilt/shame to rest.  should be perfect at self-help if i'm going to stand by a self-help book, feeling like i won't be taken seriously if i'm not, and guilty about that.  whew!  there are so many issues around this book, on so many levels.  present and past.  i didn't realize how far reaching one accomplishment might dig into me.

i am proud of myself, tho, for doing this anyway.  i have to admit, i feel pretty courageous to put out a product like this when i'm not the perfect example of what i propose in it.  that's a hard one to assimilate within me.  i so badly want to delete this.

[sanmagic7]

i was able to make more connections for myself - the expectations of being perfect that i learned from my dad.  dang, those are powerful, and i thought i'd worked thru most of that.  but here they are, raising their ugly heads at the same time i could just be enjoying my accomplishment.  it goes back to it's not ok to be myself and be taken seriously.  oooh, that's one more past message that's just jumped on this bandwagon.  not taken seriously cuz i don't fit the 'mold'.  well, it's more stuff to work on, i guess. 

i've also noticed today that a lot of intrusive thoughts started slamming me whenever i had a lull in what i was doing.  not just about my ex, but other people as well.  like the floodgates have been opened w/ that one round of therapy.  we'll see how this plays out.  i hope my brain can process it into a less disturbing place. 

ugh!  for a minute i thought i was gonna fly thru this, just get healed and everything would be roses.  unfortunately, i'm being reminded of the thorns that are hidden.  hats off to everyone who continues to go thru this, who keeps going even tho it's so rough and upsetting.  finally, tho, i feel like i'm getting what i've needed, and i'm glad of that.  i'm putting my faith in the idea that this is going to get better, much better, than it was.  it has to.

[sanmagic7]

had a hard time falling asleep, too many thoughts racing around.  still struggling - no wonder i'm tired.  was able to walk this morning, tho, and that felt good.  a bit of normalcy. 

so, still processing.  one of the things that came up for me is the idea that i feel deeply stuff which i haven't gotten in my life - stuff that a lot of us have missed out on, like acceptance, feeling safe, feeling loved, those intangibles - and it's something that i want to explore in therapy, see if those losses can somehow be filled in.  there's such a vacancy at times, a yearning, that when i see such things portrayed on tv or in movies, i can't help crying about it and feeling the emptiness.  it's such an awful feeling.

i know i've distracted myself from lots of that in the past w/ relationships, food, drugs, alcohol, but most of that is gone now, so i'm feeling it quite sharply at times.  it's the bottomless pit that we attempt to fill w/ unhealthy stuff and behaviors.  i've eliminated so much of it at this point (food doesn't quite do what it used to, either, so that's also going by the wayside.  it was my last distraction, my last form of self-harm) that i'm left to face the emptiness, that void, and it's . . .  well, i don't know how to describe it.  i know i don't like it, tho.

i'm hoping that therapy will help me with that, too.  it would be nice to feel whole.

[MoonBeam]

Dearest San, I want to call out the great strength you have show by naming your pain and struggles with medicating with food. It's another way in which we both soothe and suffer and one that's extra tricky, cause we can't just walk away from eating. It's amazing how you are connecting the feelings and messages you got as a child and on, to how you treat your body, your being now. It takes great awareness and willingness to heal, to take on that work.
I also want to say how inspired I am hearing about your process with setting your book free into the world, how vulnerable that feels and how brave you are, really walking with it. I think I would not take much stock in a book, written by someone who said they had it all figured out and never had to look at the layers each new experience opens within them. The fact that you are open to continued healing in the subject you have so passionately written about, makes it all the more precious, accessible to the rest of us and real. Something to be proud of for sure.
So glad to hear t is going well. Sounds like you have made a good connection and your T is able to meet you. A blessing indeed.
I know it's been a while since I've checked in, but I've been here with you. Wanted you to know i'm thinking of you and gratefully following your journey.
Keep on rocking it. MB.

[Blueberry]

  to you san.  as you extricate yourself from those last distractions/methods of self-harm. I know that takes a lot of courage to feel what all else is in the murky depths.

[sanmagic7]

mb, you don't know how much i needed to hear your words - crap, i didn't know how much i needed to hear them!  thank you ever so.   

blueberry, thank you for the support and encouragement - brought tears to my eyes.   

this morning i'm beginning to feel pressure.  i've got editing to do on my d's book, and wanted to walk, then go meet w/ her and some author friends, and i'm feeling paralyzed, which often happens when i feel like this.  my mind has been gradually filling up since my session, lots of dreams i can't remember, but that are distressing on some level (i can feel that), more and more thoughts continuing to bludgeon my mind.  on the edge once again.  don't have another appt. till wed.  can't wait. 

it's like the hole in the wall that was temporarily stoppered has burst it's boundaries, and the water flow is growing bigger and stronger each day.  i've just got to get to it, do it, then chill.  my gut is roiling and i just want to retreat, but this work must get done, so i'm gonna do it and breathe a sigh of relief  when it's over.  i can feel a xanax day coming on and i'm feeling bad for myself that it got to that point.  just want to make it to tomorrow.

[Snowdrop]

You're fierce! Tons of respect for keeping on going. Sending you love, hugs and support.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, snowdrop.  honestly, sometimes i feel that way, other times not so much, but it helps to hear it.  it really does.  helps w/ keeping me motivated and strong.

these little hugs and kind words from people make so much difference to me.  i was watching an episode of 'schitt's creek' where someone told their partner that they were damaged goods and weren't used to people being kind and generous to them.  i related to that all the way.  their partner said that they'd been with the wrong kind of people.  brings tears to my eyes.  being w/ my d and her patience, as well as hearing the same from people i've never met, well, that in itself has helped me more than words can express.

in the past, i would've never given this much credence to the benefit of online connection, when even face to face groups never quite served my needs.  i think it's important for me to continue to give credit to this phenomenon cuz it's helping my brain/mind make new connections, create new, happier memories and feelings.

it's never too late.

[alliematt]

    I hope this is OK.

[sanmagic7]

allie,

those hugs were so much more than ok.  thank you muchly - they're highly appreciated!  warmed my heart.   

my second session is tomorrow.  right this minute i'm dealing w/ things, but i know i'm right on the edge.  here's hoping i can feel more grounded and stable after tomorrow.  this stuff stinks!

[Sceal]

I haven't been around alot lately. Either by reading or commenting, so I am not up to speed about how things are going with you. But I wanted to let you know that I think about you. 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, sweet sceal.  i think about you, too, even tho i've not been commenting much on others' posts.  been too wrapped up in my own stuff lately.  i know you're with me, tho, and i hope you know i'm with you.

up early this morning in anticipation of my appt. w/ my t.  don't know where this is going to go.  i'm just struggling to keep my head above water.   :sharkbait:these intrusive thoughts are driving me nuts.  i'm hanging on, but am so glad for having a t now.  it's making all the difference.  quality of life is so important no matter what our age.

[Snowdrop]

I hope it went OK yesterday, San. Sending more care and support your way.

[sanmagic7]

snowdrop, that's so sweet.  thanks, awfully!

yesterday went well.  first and foremost, i'm feeling like i finally have a t who cares.  i do feel safe w/ her.  at one point i felt so very sorry for myself, was just crying, feeling so sad, and i told her that i sometimes have a hard time w/ that cuz of all the 'pity party' gunk i've heard over the years at 12-step groups, but that at several times in my life i've felt sorry for me cuz it felt like no one else did even while going thru some of the hardest bits.  she told me that i deserved this, that pity parties were people who wanted to stay in that kind of place and not do anything about it, and that i was not doing that at all.  that made me feel better.

i also told her that i love to laugh, she said very quietly 'that's probably what saved you'.  that line gave me the feeling that what she's hearing from me is not that i'm making too big a deal about what i've gone thru, endured, and it felt reassuring and comforting.  so, she's saying these little things here and there that make me feel better about all of it somehow.

but, yesterday was a lot of dumping.  i told her about that first npd t who totally wrecked me, some of my d#1 who did the same.  she was very interested in the t story - i think it helped her know how these t's have been doing so much damage to their clients.  i'm wondering if she thought at all about me being just naive and not very self--aware, which, in actuality, i was.  i said she'd groomed me, kept putting me in schizo-making situations - 2 or 3 rolls at a time, and i was supposed to function coherently in each - and i was a mentally disturbed wreck by the time i got out from under her clutches.

we'd done some processing first, but it felt like i had a concrete block inside my brain, and it was putting so much pressure on me that i just wanted her to hear about these people in my life who'd hurt me.  it was a long session, and i was exhausted.  at one point, while processing, i got a sharp pain in my forehead.  she immediately stopped, i told her we could keep going, she told me she didn't want me to feel tortured.  well, that word was a huge trigger, and i burst into tears.  told her about being restrained by mother responsibility when it came to accepting all the crapola my d#1 laid on me.

she mentioned doing eft to possibly help stop the thoughts.  we're still figuring out how i can deal w/ all the triggers that keep coming at me (that was one possibility), and how i just don't feel safe anywhere anymore cuz those triggers are wreaking havoc w/ my brain. and mind.  so, altho i did some eft tapping last nite, i also decided today was going to be a xanax day.  i'm just way too tired of fighting, battling, to be ok and functioning.  and it is, and i'm now out.  this has been more than 3 mos. of struggle, and it's taking its toll.