stuck stuck stuck

[sanmagic7]

new journal.

i was so optimistic in my previous journal, that i was going beyond all this and was making so much progress.  instead, it feels like i've been thrown back into the ring, punching all the old nemeses i've been battling over and over. 

i called the possibly new t this morning, she called in, so i didn't get a chance to speak w/ her.  left a message, now have to play the waiting game.  this is taking too much out of me, i don't know what to do w/ it.  i'm not able to get a handle on any of this crapola anymore.  can't even enjoy fun tv shows for distraction.  i'm i don't know what anymore.

[Three Roses]

Just an idea, but how about something physical like a walk or something? Or visiting our Healing Porch here? 

[Not Alone]

San,
It stinks that you are dealing with some of the old nemeses. That doesn't negate the FACT that you have made huge progress. I have optimism for you that you will move through this time that feels so awful. For now, do what you can to bring yourself comfort: blanket, tea, stuffed animal, writing, music, &/or Three Roses' suggestions. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, 3r, yes, i filled my day w/ phys. stuff - it felt like the right thing, so you already knew.  then, i went and smashed my toes on the door, don't know if i'll be able to smush them into my walking shoes tomorrow morning, but i'll give it a shot.  thank you, dear heart.

thanks, notalone, for what you see in me.  it means a lot.  i'm just blah-ed out today now, and waiting to see if that t will call me back tomorrow.  i sure hope so.  i need some help.  otherwise, i'll just lay back and wait - again - till my system reboots.  it's all i can do with this.

[Jazzy]

Hope you feel better soon San; hang in there! Take care!

[sanmagic7]

thanks, jazzy, for the encouragement.  it means a lot.  i'm just so down right now. ugh! 

[MoonBeam]

Hey San. I'm thinking of you. Sending light and love. I have no words of wisdom, just thinking, sometimes all we can do is put our heads down and get through, one step in front of the other, rest often, and try not to be too hard on ourselves while we're in it. Sometimes we've just got to burn through it.  I understand how awful it feels.  I understand and am with you.
This will pass. I believe it (and honestly that's saying a lot) .
Big heart  Hang in and I hope you find some relief soon.

[Blueberry]

Dear san

This too will pass. What is stuck will come unstuck.

I'm really sorry the T is not reachable when she should be. Waiting around not knowing is a real downer

Standing with you. 

[sanmagic7]

mb, your words were a balm on my heart.  thank you.

bb, thank you for the support.  so appreciated.

dang, this has been 2 mos. now of this crapola, in one form or another.  and i wanted to walk this morning, got my walking shoes on, thought i could walk thru it, but the more i walked around the house in them, the worse the pain got.  feels like i'm juggling swords and chansaws and burning torches.  i know this will pass, but dang, i need a break and can't catch one.  my foot is burning right now from cramming it into my shoe.  ugh!  yes, i'm on the porch, will be whisked there by benevolent fairies cuz i can't walk there!  hahaha!  cuddling up on my rocker for the day.

[Not Alone]

Wish it could be IRL, but sending you a warm blanket and coloring books and pencils and crayons.

[Three Roses]

Yes, and I'll wheel in a tv so you can watch tennis!

[Snookiebookie2]

San,

I am sending you healing and positive vibes.  Hang in there x

[sanmagic7]

notalone, 3r, snookie, thank you so much.  i drawing on your support - feeling very off track right now.  i absolutely love what you're giving me.

still no word from the t.  don't know what to think.  pressure behind my breast bone, and i think, and so sad to realize this, that i may have to call her again, get the energy up for myself once more, wishing she'd do it for me.  i'm so ired, this is so wearing.    :sadno:i feel like a broken record.  come to think of it, there are probably people here who don't even get that reference!   

[Not Alone]

I get broken record! I'm wondering what your reasons are for not calling the therapist again. I know what might go through my head, but I don't want to assume you have the same thoughts. At any rate, it might help to be cognizant of why you're hesitant to call. Here for you, sweet San.

[Tee]

  sending a big hug filled with comfort and heart felt eat to listen. Sorry I've been away so long finally starting to feel a little more human.  You have made so much progress San and Ben so inspiring for me.  Hang in there this to will pass.  Things will get better.  I hope when you call this time you are able to speak to the T.  I'll shoot with you on the porch and listen to your stories, wrap my arm around you and be there with you till your ok.