stuck stuck stuck

[Hope67]

HI SanMagic,
Glad to hear you feel a bit better.   
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

Thinking of you, San, and I hope your next appointment goes well.

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope and snowdrop - thanks for the well wishes and hugs.

unfortunately, feeling good didn't last very long.  the stress of roiling everything back up hit me hard, again, 3 days later, and i've been down w/ the 'stress flu' for several days, legs gone again, simply feeling miserable.  feeling very frustrated and down - this is no way to be living at this stage of my life.  or at any stage, tbt.  more nightmares, bad sleep, just feeling crummy, like i'm sick but it's nothing contagious.  stress, always stress.  too much of it, still.  ugh!

[Blueberry]

 

[Not Alone]

The weeks before you saw the new T was very difficult and then the long assessment was very taxing. Although lousy, I'm not surprised that your body is reacting to all that stress. Please be kind to yourself. 

this is no way to be living at this stage of my life.  or at any stage, tbt. 

I'm with you. It stinks!

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, thanks for those hugs.  they felt like you were just gathering me in, which i find extremely comforting.   

thank you notalone for all that validation.  i'm being as good to myself as possible, but when i'm in crisis like this, it makes it difficult at times.  and, yeah, it totally stinks.

talked to my t yesterday, & she was able to get me an extra appt. so i don't have to wait 2 wks. between appts., like i did this time.  that was a relief.  she also reassured me, when i told her that things like meditation, yoga, those relaxation exercises don't work for me, that such was common for c-ptsd clients.  that was also a relief, to hear her say that, like i'm in the right place - finally!  it took a load off my mind knowing that it wasn't just me who doesn't tolerate what might seem simple or easy for others. 

through all this, i received actual copies of my book in the mail - it's thrilling!  my d already sold one to our neighbor, who wants to take it to some groups he's involved with.  when she told me, i burst into tears, and she was right there with an embrace.  those tears were mixed w/ the backlash triggers from my ex and the therapeutic community who have seen me as a flake and with way out ideas.  i'm hoping that soon those will be tears of unmitigated joy about this accomplishment, but right now they're still tainted w/ this old crapola.

that's all i got for now.  thanks for being w/ me.
anyway, back to resting.  thank you all for your support. 

[Not Alone]

Very exciting about your book. (Sorry that gunk is mixed in with the good feelings.)

[alliematt]

I just now saw this and I am so sorry for all of the stuff you have been through.   

[sanmagic7]

notalone, i love those fireworks!  they always bring a smile to my heart!    thank you for all your support.

allie, it was so good to see you here.  thank you so much for the hugs - i love them.

yesterday was the first day i felt sane, and was able to take advantage of it.  i went w/ my d to meet some author friends of hers, showed them my book, and read an excerpt from another one i'd written years ago.  my d had known about it, but had never read any of it.  i read about 2 paragraphs, and got so emotional, my d asked if she could read for me (the intent is to get feedback from the others - i'd never gotten critical feedback from other authors before).

their response amazed me.  i mean, i always thought it was good (the first 3 mos. that my hub and i spent together when i first went to mex., how our relationship changed from just friends to wedding plans), but i did not expect that others would.  especially my d.  so much so that it's now a work in progress to hopefully also be published, maybe next year.  wouldn't that be amazing!  it's hard to fathom that this is actually possibly maybe going to happen?  dream come true! 

i realized how much i've been seeking validation from her.  i've had this feeling inside that my d's just thought of me as the bad guy in our family, someone who ran that ship, took no prisoners, and i don't know - was kind of a flake, otherwise, and to be dismissed as much as possible.  they really didn't want to be involved in my life, there was no back and forth exchange and enjoyment of information.  maybe it was just me cuz i was struggling so hard to keep our family safe and sane, get my education and get a job that would help w/ finances (which always seemed to be very slightly enough for the basics and a vacation or two on the cheap) 

maybe it comes from the fact that while my ex looked like he was so wonderful, i was being undermined around every corner while d  #1 blatantly tortured me emotionally on a consistent basis.  i was something to abuse (wow - this is coming out of nowhere, but it feels right) rather than to enjoy.  my brow is furrowed now with that assessment. 

anyway, through these books, now, i'm feeling validated for being a creative human being rather than simply an old, sick mom who's left her family, quit her job, and ran away from home to another country where all anyone thought of was lying on the beach, getting a tan, having the time of my life while they all struggled back in the real world.  ok, breathing hard on that one.  why has this been so important to me?  maybe cuz it's the first time i can remember getting it from someone who wasn't dragging me down at the same time. 

this is weird stuff.  therapy tomorrow.  we'll see where that goes.  so, i'm on a third career, it seems - author.  this is a long-standing dream come true.  it's overwhelming in so many ways.  my book hit the amazon best-seller list already.  and now i have another one to look forward to finishing, polishing, sending out to fly on its own, out of my heart and into reality.  wowser!

[Snowdrop]

Well done San. I hope it goes well tomorrow.

[sanmagic7]

thank you, snowdrop   i hope so, too.

i'm already winding myself up about this afternoon.  got a million things running thru my head just about the process.  the actual trauma is running second right now.  gotta go play some games before i drive myself nuts.

[Snookiebookie2]

Hi San

Just wanted to say that your comments about your relationship with your daughter struck a chord. I totally get what you said.

I think that children forget that mothers are people too. People with thoughts, feelings, wants and more importantly, people with traumas.    They can only see the world from their perspective and only ever want us to be "mom" and can dismiss any other side of our character.  This can feel so invalidating.   

It sounds like you have had so much to juggle, many roles to fulfill: wife, mother, worker, student, and as you said "someone who ran the ship".  And all this whilst enduring and surviving trauma.   And now you are growing with your creative side with your books.  I don't see you as a flake; you inspire me.

[sanmagic7]

really sweet of you to say that, snookie.  thank you so much.  yeah, like we often still see our kids as someone to take care of, to 'mother' even after they're grown, i guess it makes sense that they have us captioned into our first role w/ them as well.  maybe i've seen too many movies and tv shows where kids and parents - in that perfect world, of course - are more interactive, and it was something i wanted cuz i'd never had it.  or, maybe just never had enough of it.  at any rate, it sounds like it's my issue, something i have to find and resolve w/in myself.   

my session went very well.  i was able to do some processing, which she was surprised about, cuz she said when new clients come in, they usually want to talk a lot more before they actually get started w/ the emdr stuff.  i told her i came in for therapy, i was ready for it.

usually, w/ emdr, a memory is targeted for processing.  in my case, and i've heard of others here having a similar problem, it was one continuous arc of abuse and neglect.  i didn't have major 'events' that took place, there was so much that was done w/ innuendo, looks, inferences, covert ops (so to speak) that i didn't have an especially dramatic incident to recall.  sure, there are a few, but it's like they were punctuation marks along the way, highlighting what was going on daily.

we talked about that for a bit, then i suggested i just target my ex for starters, cuz he's the one i feel the hate for, and i don't like carrying that around with me, having it interrupt my thoughts, waking up to it - that negativity.  it's driving me nuts.  other protocol stuff didn't pertain, either, cuz i don't have negative beliefs about myself now, like i was responsible, i'm not a good person, etc. or that what happened was my fault.  i just don't have those kinds of thoughts and that was kind of frustrating for her.  so i suggested that i just think of him, she does her thing, and we'd see if anything shook out.

it did.  subtly, there were some shifts, some movements.  where this had felt like a concrete block before slowly became less rigid.  where i was thinking of all this as a '10' (the worst it could be), by the end of 20 minutes it had lessened ever so slightly.  still more than a 9, but i think the fact that things moved, took on different shapes (like, the hate i could feel in my gut like a ball of molten lava at the beginning, and at the end it took the form of a pink, rubbery tube that was running the length of my chest) gave me a feeling of hope.  i believe that's what helped move the needle off the '10'.

one other thing i'd noticed was that during part of this, i had one hand digging into the other.  i became aware that my nails were hurting me, and i unclenched them w/ the thought that i didn't have to hurt myself anymore - others had done enough of that.  that played out at home, too.  we'd gotten a piece of cake at the store, and had ice cream at home, and i was saving that for after my session.  all the way home i thought about that cake - my blood sugar runs high, so sweets aren't the best thing for me - and was able to decide i didn't want it.  it wasn't going to do anything good for me.  later that nite, tired and a bit roiled up from the session, i'd thought about having a snack - i've done that before during restless or disturbing times - but i was able to resist because of that thought going round my head.

i do have a food addiction, and in the midst of all this chaos, i've reverted to eating what's not good for me.  i'd thought about asking my t to help me with that along the way.  now it seems that some of that is falling into place w/o me planning for it.  it may need to get reinforced a few times, but the idea that i've been hurt enough is singing softly thru my mind.

another large, and sad realization was when she asked me if i had anyplace where i felt safe.  i told her that since i live w/ my d, and she is always a reminder of my ex, drops a 'dad' into the conversation every so often when recalling something from childhood or so, that i did not feel safe anywhere.  she suggested her office, and i jumped on that, said 'that's right!  my d isn't here', so i do have a safe place now, which also feels very good. i can recall it if i ever need it, just go there.  i would like to have said the forest, too, but there are too many creeps nowadays, and getting away by oneself isn't always the best idea.

so, i was able to make some progress, and, altho i'm very tired today, i feel good about it.  i don't think she's ever had an emdr t as a client before, and i think she's afraid that she's gonna insult my therapist intelligence by repeating parts of the protocol to me, so i'm going to let her know next time that when i'm there as her client, i don't want to think like a t, that i need to be reminded of things.  it's too much energy to do both jobs at once, and this feels like a luxury that someone is actually taking care of me.  it feels really good.

[Snowdrop]

I'm so glad it went well.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, snowdrop - i appreciate the support and the hug, too!