stuck stuck stuck

[Blueberry]

  on the no uncertain terms!
to help you not unravel. I think I might know what you mean to unravel and it's horrible. 

[Not Alone]

I add my  to help keep you from unraveling. Love you if you're completely together, frayed around the edges, or completely unraveled.

[sanmagic7]

thanks so much blueberry and notalone - i'm welling up with feeling your care and kindness.  and, yep, it is a horrible feeling.  just trying to get to tomorrow.

and, thanks, bb, for the cheer - i needed that.

[sanmagic7]

the dam broke loose on my heartbreaks today - once again, something i never really felt, just had to keep going on to the next phase of my life.  terrible torrents of tears, ugly, poisonous, hot w/ toxins.  they kept coming, even after i thought they were finished.  i major relationship and 3 husbands.  there may be more, i'll need to explore a bit (like the mr.) but for now i'm working on the funeral for them.

i picked out funeral floral arrangements that spoke to me for each one - my ex. got 2, one of them a black bleeding heart (he is black-hearted in my mind) and the other was a red floral heart with long red streamers. to me, they represented the gushing of blood from my heart because of what he did.  tomorrow i'll write the words i need to say to each one, and close those caskets in my mind. 

i'm pretty wiped out right now, and after the fact it was good to let those tears loose, but, dang, i never realized how my heart has bounced back time after time, how much pain i've been holding.  i feel a bit lighter right this minute, which is good, but i'm really hungry and just want to rest.  this was enough for today. 

[Not Alone]

San,
I feel for you and all the pain and grief that you are experiencing. Picking out specific, significant floral arrangements was smart and creative. No wonder you are exhausted. I hope you have gotten something to eat, rest and comfort. 

[sanmagic7]

thank you so much, notalone.  i did eat comfort food, so that took care of 2 of those things in one shot!  lol!  went to bed early, but had a lot of dreams.

the dream that woke me up was about my ex and my bro, and it very clearly showed just how disconnected my ex was from our family.  i think my B was a stand-in for our D's in the dream.  what woke me up was the absolute disinterest my ex had in anything that was going on, the dead look in his eyes.  he was there in body, but not in spirit.

i've known, even while it was going on, that he'd checked out of our family matters, preferring to absent himself any way he could during the day so he didn't have much to do w/ any of us.  i'd confronted him on it several times over the years, about how much time he'd spend away, besides his regular job during the day.  he always found some other way to escape us and what was happening, whether it was golf, naps, extra jobs, or somehow being on stage, either w/ plays or in a band, which both necessitated a lot of rehearsals during the evenings.

he's admitted in later years that he checked out to both our D's, but never to me, never apologized.  one thing i learned about misogynistic npd's is that they don't like to be tied down by the 'rules' (this was many years after our marriage was over) of everyday life - don't have any interest in being what's considered a regular family man.  they'll go along cuz they want to look good to others, but really have no care about it. looking back, it's all so clear.

he had any excuse to get away from us, including me at night.  he wanted his own time on his own terms.  this dream showed it in his eyes so vividly that it woke me up - the clarity of it all.  yeah, i've realized this for some time now, have gone nc w/ him 5 yrs. ago (finally), but this crystallized it in the front of my brain in no uncertain terms, just what i'd been looking at but refusing to see for 20 yrs. of marriage and another 15 yrs. of trusting him w/ my finances while i was so sick in mex. - to the point where i signed over power of attorney on our house!  that sickens me to my core.

well, altho he's brought me to my knees several times, some more seriously than others, i guess i always got up again.  i'm sure that the funerals i started yesterday stirred this in my mind, but all i want to do is get him out of there for good!  i'm so tired of his access to both my waking and sleeping hours, and it seems that so far nothing i do is helping get rid of him!  it makes me fear for my sanity at times, and i'm on meds daily because of it now.  i just want to get away from him!!!!!!!!!!!! god, help me!  he's making me so sick!  and my t won't be available till march!  more unraveling!  i don't know what else to do!

[Snowdrop]

Hang in there, San. We've got you.

Those funerals sound really intense. It's not something I've heard of doing before.

I have a couple of thoughts, which you can ignore if they're not helpful.

First, would it help if you imagined some of us attending the funerals with you? We could hold you, comfort you, support you while you mourn. I guess I'm wondering if you need to attend the funerals by yourself, or if it would be helpful to hold the funerals in the circle of our love. Would that be more healing, or would it get in the way?

Second, these words rang a bell:

i'm so tired of his access to both my waking and sleeping hours, and it seems that so far nothing i do is helping get rid of him!

I have had similar experiences. It felt like it was driving me crazy because I couldn't get away from it! One thing that helped was seeing that unwanted access as a cord connecting me to the person, and then getting rid of that cord so the connection was no longer there. I can tell you more if you think it might be helpful, but I don't want to overwhelm you, and it might not feel right.

Sending you much love and more big hugs.

[Three Roses]

First, would it help if you imagined some of us attending the funerals with you? We could hold you, comfort you, support you while you mourn. I guess I'm wondering if you need to attend the funerals by yourself, or if it would be helpful to hold the funerals in the circle of our love. Would that be more healing, or would it get in the way?

I would offer my presence, too....

[Not Alone]

First, would it help if you imagined some of us attending the funerals with you? We could hold you, comfort you, support you while you mourn. I guess I'm wondering if you need to attend the funerals by yourself, or if it would be helpful to hold the funerals in the circle of our love. Would that be more healing, or would it get in the way?

I would offer my presence, too....

Me too.

[Snowdrop]

I hope you slept better last night. You've been in my thoughts. Big hugs.

[sanmagic7]

snowdrop, i so appreciate your care and concern.  thank you. 

the idea of having you all at my funerals is a great idea!  i've done that on a couple occasions so far, like when i left mex., and taking my F's picture (and his judgments) out of my room, putting it all in my closet.  both occasions, i was able to imagine a group of you with me, and it really helped.  i guess i still don't think of asking for help like that because i'm so used to doing things to take care of myself by myself, so i really appreciate that you thought of it and passed it on to me.  you all will absolutely be with me for the next one.

don't know why, but when i wrote the words 'we've got you', it really hit me, i could feel it as something new and real.  it struck me, my heart, in such a good way -- something wondrous, actually.  don't know if i've ever heard it before. 

the funerals were something i started several years ago (wrote about them here) as a way to grieve losses in my life.  i found the images, wrote a lot of the crapola i had inside me, especially towards people who'd hurt me - i was trying to kill all that bad stuff off by writing it out - i probably did about 25 of them, one after another.

these are different, now.  these are about putting to rest all the things i'd wanted but didn't get, mourning for what hadn't happened that i'd wanted to happen, expected, thought how things would go with people, experiences, situations in my life.  this time is also different in that i'm feeling the pain and crying it out - something i'd never done before.  i didn't cry over lost loves nor feel the pain of heartbreak, haven't cried about my parents' deaths (didn't go to either funeral) in a meaningful way nor about what i hadn't gotten from them that i'd wanted - like telling me 'we've got you'. 

so, these funerals are serving a different purpose, and, yeah, they are intense.  feeling the pain of what i've either gone thru or didn't get that i deserved is a little more abstract, but i realized in therapy that when i cry watching movies or tv shows, it's more about that - the patience, kindness, gentleness, caring that i didn't get - and i'm focusing those tears and feeling the pain now, which is making a difference, i think.  it's really awful to feel it, tho, after not having felt it for all these years, but it's been hurting my body cuz i didn't, and i know it's important to get it out of me, so i'm doing it no matter how bad it feels.  but the support from you and everyone here has helped make it bearable, so i thank you for that.

i'd like to hear more about the cord-cutting scenario - i'm open to new ideas.  i don't know how it might work cuz i've tried everything i know how to stop this, but i'd appreciate you telling me.  thank you so.

3r, thank you - absolutely you'd be there.  you've already been there when i left mex. and putting my F's photo out of sight.  you've been there for me for years, and i love it that you have and continue to be.

notalone, i'm so happy to have you as part of that group, being with me as i go thru these funerals.  i don't know when the next one will be for sure, but i'll know you're with me.  thank you so much.

i've thought about finishing these past funerals about heartbreaks, cuz i haven't done that yet, but i just can't.  not right now.  i'm feeling so fragile, barely making it from one day to the next, i think they'll have to wait till i get a bit more strength back.  writing about how each of them broke my heart feels too big, so i might have to break it down into pieces.  one at a time.  even writing this is making my gut tighten up, so i guess i'd better stop. 

thank you, snowdrop, for thinking of me.  so much.

[Snowdrop]

I'll send you a couple of PMs so that I don't derail your journal.

[sanmagic7]

i just got triggered big time, want to get this out of me.

i was working w/ my d on researching mind control techniques for her newest book, she then asked if i'd look up sociopaths, kept talking, but immediately my mind went to her F, my ex - he is classic.  i stopped writing, told her i didn't want to do that one, she said ok.  i didn't explain, she didn't ask, but suddenly i could feel my face drain and my mind felt exhausted.  i don't know if she had an idea why i refused, but i know she doesn't want to know.  it's so hard not to be able to tell her - the battle is on more than one front when it comes to him.

thanks, sd, for the pm's - i began reading the first one, got overwhelmed (it was right after this happened about the same person), so i'll have to wait, but i really appreciate your effort on my behalf.  thank you.

[MoonBeam]

San, wanting you to know I'm here too, holding light and love with you as you walk through this. This is biiiig stuff, so many years of pain that has been held deep within (hidden or put in a box at the time to keep you safe) and allowing yourself to mourn is monumental to releasing that pain, to being truly with you.

You are amazing and so worthy and lovable, and deserving of relief, care, love, peace and freedom. Big 

[MoonBeam]

Hi again San. Our posts crossed and I wanted to acknowledge the trigger you are experiencing.  You're right, it's so complicated when it is looped around our children. I see you have been working through so much and I know that for me, that leaves me feeling pretty fragile.  I think its so brave that you let your D know you didn't want to research that one. That sounds like you taking care of you.

I'm lighting a smudge stick and sending cleansing smoke across your way to soothe the scary feelings from the trigger, the anxiety and discomfort they cause.  When I have been triggered lately, I have been getting in touch with a deep knowing that I am safe in the reality I am in now. That I am loved, that I am supported by people who care about me. I acknowledge the fear, the discomfort, whatever the feeling is, I say, I see you, thank you for wanting to protect me, and then I try to release it and allow the emotion underneath to come through or sometimes I'm just needing to focus on the task in front of me. I'm still learning to practice all of this, but it has made a huge difference. So much is in alignment with what you have been sharing as well.

I hope it passes soon San.