stuck stuck stuck

[Snowdrop]

I can imagine that working on that would be triggering.

It's quite possible that you'll be able to write far more productively later on if you take time out now, when you need to. Possibly even leave the book until your T comes back, as I'm sure seeing her will help. Giving yourself permission to take the time out will give you time and space to settle, which it sounds as though you need.

[MoonBeam]

Agreed San and Snowdrop.  That kind of history writing, whether it's related to good memories or hard memories seems to really shake things up, like an un-earthing of pieces of past. It is hard work!

I like the idea of writing down the triggers as a way to put them somewhere so you don't feel like you have to hold them until your T comes back.  Thanks for sharing San.

Keep on taking care of you. I love that you are listening to your inner being and saying, ok. A few days on the porch are needed. And you are so worth taking this all at the pace that feels safe and hopefully manageable. I know it's been so hard.

[Sceal]

It is very easy to fall into the trap "but I should do X", and the spend all the time and energy to worry about not getting it done, not putting in too much effort. Feeling guilty when not sitting down and working on X. And  end up spending much more time on worrying and being stressed. I think taking a break is good. Put it away for a while, and sit and watch Netflix. For days or weeks if that is what it takes..and then when your body is telling you it's time. Then sit down and do it, you'll have more fun with the book, and it will most likely be better too.

Resting is half the job when dealing with things. Be it creating things, or processing trauma. Rest is essential.

[Sceal]

P.S I spent all last weekend binge watching Next in Fashion. It was a nice break

[sanmagic7]

snowdrop, moonbeam, and sceal - it was so good to hear you tell me to take a break.  you were all right on about taking the time out so that i can regroup and go back at it at another time.  thank you so much for your encouragement and care! 

i have an appt. w/ the interim t this coming fri.  don't have a clue as to what i'll talk about - an hour isn't enough time to talk all this thru.  i'm just hoping that speaking to some irl will be stabilizing, maybe take some of the pressure off my brain and out of my mind.  i'm on meds daily now, which i hate, but at least they're keeping me sane, so i'll take it, like it or not.  wondering about being depressed now, tho.  this may have taken more of a toll on me than i realize.  it's been going on since sept., so that's nearly 6 mos. that's a long time to be struggling like this.  no wonder i'm feeling weary.

i have found a bit of a routine that's working for me tho, as far as the writing goes - i'm able to do about 15 min./day before i start feeling wobbly, so at least i'm getting something done (kind of a deadline going, want to get it done by may) and that helps.  it's not enough to send me into a tizzy, which is good. 

ever onward!  i've read some posts now about this trauma workshop or something program that others are watching and getting some good stuff out of.  it's been recommended to me, but honestly, i just can't put more of anything like that into my brain right now.  it's like i'm trying to either put entertaining programs in, or just keep it still.  gonna read some 'mary poppins' today - that should be relaxing and fun to boot.  that's about the level of anything i can stand right now - kids' stories!

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
What a great idea to read some Mary Poppins, that sounds really nice.  I hope you enjoyed it.

I also hope that your appt with your interim t goes ok on Friday.    to you.
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, hope.  mary p. is wonderful

tough day, making it to tomorrow.  that's all i'm working on.

had to come to terms w/ not being able to do what i used to do, even tho i love it (writing and workshops), certainly not now, maybe never.  i hate having to put that kind of stuff aside.  had a good chat w/ my d this morning, she said there was a lot of 'take charge' stuff about me before that she wasn't really fond of, altho she knows it's cuz that's what i had to do.  said she likes me better now in some ways.  i've had to let some of that drive and my work ethic behind, and that's very sad to me.  i feel like someone else,

[MoonBeam]

Sanmagic, I just want to say, I think writing 15 minutes a day is really something to be proud of. You are showing up in a beautiful way consistently (even if it isn't every day) to bring energy forward, working towards something that is important to you. 

Also, kid's books rock!  I have shelves full and Princess Bride is my fave. Though, honestly its hard to pick a fave.

Today is a good day to be gentle with ourselves to practice love and patience.   

[sanmagic7]

mb, thank you for all the encouragement.  i truly appreciate it.

had an anxiety attack before my appt. this morning, but the t was very gentle and very nice.  she said some extremely validating things, such as anyone would hate my ex just from knowing the little i told her about him.  she also told me, what w/ my borderline aspberger's and my alexithymia that i was a child who needed to have been in a family that would have provided special care socially and i got one that was quite the opposite.  she had me sobbing several times just by her kindness and caring attitude (i'm on the verge of tears just writing about it), and that what i need around me is gentleness.  sobs again.  i'm very glad i got to see her.

i was hoping to get stabilized, and, altho it was good to talk to someone, right now i'm feeling quite small and raw.  mentally and emotionally exhausted, but very small.  i'm wondering if this isn't an ef right now.  very vulnerable.  i'll see her in 2 weeks, then it'll be another 2 wks. before i can see my reg. t again.  this is so difficult.  my chest is tight.  that's a sign of either anxiety or fear - i can't always tell them apart.

[Not Alone]

San,
I'm so glad the T showed you gentleness and kindness. Give yourself a lot of care. 

[Snowdrop]

I've read your posts, San. It's ok. We've got you. You're safe. I'm wrapping you up in a big, big hug of love and kindness.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, notalone.  this feels like self-care to me.

snowdrop, that hug was just what i needed.  honestly, thank you.  i'm breathing again.

[Snowdrop]

One or two of my parts spend a lot of time with a bear, and I wondered if it might help for you to be with the bear for a while as well. The bear is very strong, and it provides grounding and healing. It protects from harm, and can watch over you while you sleep. It also gives excellent bear hugs.

[sanmagic7]

your bear is wonderful, snowdrop.  i do have a plush robe from my d, and an 'alice in the garden of talking flowers' throw that i use daily to wrap myself in when i take a nap.  i call them my love covers.  they are very safe feeling, comforting, to me.

i never had a stuffed animal as a kid that i used as a little lover.  no pets, either, so those are a bit foreign to me.  i had one dog who meant a lot to me many, many years ago, but that's another story.  these 2 items now do ground me and help me feel loved, which is a great feeling.  like i'm not alone.

feeling not quite as raw this morning.  glad for that.  the idea of being depressed is still looming, tho.  guess i'll just have to keep muddling thru.

the interim t wasn't really aware of c-ptsd, nor of alexithymia, but was open to hearing about them, and acted very kindly and gently w/ me.  at the end of the session, i asked for a hug, she immediately opened her arms, told me that my hug level was nearly deplete, and i can use all the hugs i can get.  told me that i had needed a family who was aware of my special needs (so to speak - socially awkward, very sensitive, highly confused about feelings) but got one that was basically not even in the same room with that concept.

someone else wrote about the choices made because of parental toxicity, how they could've been so much further ahead in their lives if they'd gotten parental support, adult support.  i think that my lack of fear throughout most of my life allowed me to accomplish a lot - i just went ahead and did what i wanted to do w/o giving much thought about it.  other people were afraid for me, but i wasn't.  it allowed me my independence, getting out of my parents' house at an early age, experimenting, and generally pleasing my curiosity by continually looking for adventure and new experiences, and then learning from them.  i don't know that i could have accomplished more.

once again, the individuality of this wounding of body, mind, and spirit astounds me at times.

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad you're feeling less raw, San. I've been thinking of you.