stuck stuck stuck

[Blueberry]

san, I'm so sorry to hear of all this physical pain you have atm, and then being worried about falling because your legs feel so heavy. Man, it's just one awful thing after another for you this past while.  with a magic cozy blanket that takes away all your pain and allows you to sleep without fear of nightmares.

just realized i'm really pissed at this doc for dismissing my experience w/ meds.  she told me this would take about 4-6 wks., i told her this stuff has shown itself to me in 3-5 days, she said 'that's the placebo effect', like i didn't know what i was talking about, didn't know what my body was doing, how it was responding.   ugh!  spare me from doctors!!!

What I was told by a couple of psychs is that the negative effects of new meds come all at once in the first few days, not after 4-6 weeks. You seem to have tons of side-effects. As for the desired effects, I notice them way before 4 weeks are up, so I believe you that you notice way earlier than that. Maybe it's some sort of increased sensitivity that we have thru cptsd. Anyway I don't suppose an explanation is important. You'd just like your doc to acknowledge and accept your self-knowledge thru tons of experience. A few more supportive  from me.

[sanmagic7]

snowdrop, thank you.  i appreciate your anger cuz it reaffirms that anger is appropriate for this situation.  i don't always know, so, again, thanks for that.

blueberry, yes, the adverse effects come at the beginning, and supposedly it takes at least a month before the beneficial effects kick in.  you're right about that - it's what i've been told over and over.  however, i also know that when i've been given anti-deps, i do feel the beneficial effects very soon after taking them.  that's happened w/ 3 different ones over the years, so i do know what i'm talking about for me.

i believe everyone's system works differently, whether it's body or brain, and how it works for one isn't necessarily how it works for another.  i understand the whole bell curve thing, that like 80% of people given these meds have it work similarly, but what most docs don't take into account is that there is 20% of the population who don't fall within those parameters, and they just kind of ignore that population.  like, a lot of people get charged up when they use  a B complex vitamin, but with me (and my oldest d, too), it has the opposite effect - it relaxes me. 

anyway, thank you very much for your caring compassion, blueberry.  i love the cozy blanket, and those big ol' embraces!  i'm thinking i may end this experiment w/ these meds today.  gonna talk to my d about it, will be talking to my t on tues, but i don't want to wait.  i found myself getting quite stressed out, worried, anxious this afternoon about all this, afraid my legs won't find their way back to normal even if i stop this med.  and, i appreciate your thoughts on the c-ptsd part of all this (i'm always looking for 'why' something happens).  it makes sense to me why i'm feeling so distressed about it.   

actually, before i came back here and saw your response, the idea of being traumatized did enter my mind several times.  like, yeah, it makes sense that i'll be more sensitive to how docs treat me, how the meds work in me - all of it.   it scares me too much that i can't trust my legs to hold me up, get me from one place to another in my own home, let alone get outside and walk next to our forest and see the ocean - something that's always beneficial for me.

you both have helped me immensely.  i'm so glad to have you in my corner.

[Not Alone]

i believe everyone's system works differently, whether it's body or brain, and how it works for one isn't necessarily how it works for another.

I  am concerned about you and the affect these meds are having on you. Angry that the doctor dismissed your thoughts and feelings.

[sanmagic7]

love you notalone - thanks for your concern.  i'm pretty miserable tonite, but no more meds.  i think i'm feeling the effects of stress flu.  ugh. 

[sanmagic7]

lost the meds last nite and i can feel a difference in my legs this morning.  not up to walking outside yet, but hopefully by tomorrow.  the stress flu is gone, too, which feels good.  dang, i'm so sick of feeling miserable!  gonna call that doc, let her know i dropped the meds, leave a message w/ my t about this (she wasn't too keen on this doc anyway, but the other one has been sick for the past several weeks, so no chance right now to be in touch w/ her). 

just gonna kick back today.  maybe i'll have some gumption to write - i'm almost done w/ the first rewrite, and then on to editing.  yay!  hope to have it published by this summer.  was even able to take a shower this morning, wash all that gunk away.  another yay!

[sanmagic7]

talked w/ my t this morn about the meds situation, she agreed with me about getting off them.  i told her that i was worried the doc (who wants to talk to me) would judge me about my reason.  my t said that my reason was plenty good enough, and if i wanted to hang up on her if she was giving me a hard time (i told her that's what i wanted to do), to go ahead and hang up.  my d also said she'd speak quite firmly w/ the doc if i was given any trouble (' i'd tell her to back off').  it makes me feel very well taken care of.  something new, but wow, does it ever feel good!

i did some emdr processing about sleep and my anxiety about it.  it led me back to feeling safe when my F would rock in his chair, holding me.  i was about 2 or 3, i'd guess.  i realized that was the last time i felt truly safe, nurtured, accepted, but it was because i couldn't sleep.  so, looks like there's a connection there.  i'll do more on thurs.

my legs still aren't all the way back, but i was able to walk very slowly outdoors, in the sun, see the ocean, and that felt good.  appreciating the little things.  hopefully, i'll be walking regularly again by the weekend. 

[Snowdrop]

Thank goodness you're recovering. I'm glad your T is so supportive of you, makes a big difference, and your D too.

Sending love and big hugs to you, San.

[Not Alone]

Glad you stopped those meds. You know yourself and your body. Those side affects sounded scary.

[sanmagic7]

snowdrop, and notalone, your care and concern are so heartening.  thank you very much.  it helps spur me on.

  ******   news rant   ******

this morning i'm talking to my t.  last nite i realized i was very angry with 3 separate incidents - talking to the doc, people interfering w/ hospital workers getting to their jobs while making a political statement (i heard the most heartwrenching rant that i've ever heard in my life from a hospital worker who couldn't get to the hospital because of deliberately-snarled traffic), and a woman who used sexual assault allegations to further her own political agenda.  gonna work on this as it caused me a very stressful night, a nightmare that nearly made me sit up in bed, disturbing other dreams and ruminations on my anger.

that's it - i'm quitting the news now.  this is so sad on so many levels, and the idea of people sabotaging health efforts took the cake.  most of it i had limited, just checking for anything relevant, but the rest of it jumps in, taking me by surprise.  i was managing pretty well, but i don't think i can take this anymore.  so, i'll work thru this anger, these things that are out of my control, and i'll learn what i need to learn in time.  not every day anymore.  there's too much.  it's making me get really hateful toward too many people.  i don't like that.

so glad i've got therapy today.  i was feeling pretty stable, and my legs are almost back to normal.  i didn't realize these things would pile up on me like they did.  it reminds me of the native americans being mowed down by smallpox or other diseases that were brought here because they had no immunity toward them.

good to get this out, too.

[sanmagic7]

time for another journal.  i'll leave this here, on a positive note.  i was able to resolve the helpless feeling about what's going on around me, exchanged it for acceptance.  and, onward!