A letter to past me,

[karbon]

To Past Self,

I think I understand you a little bit better now. At times, if I squeeze my eyes tight enough and take a slow exhale I can still recall the pressure building inside with no release. That faint, dizzy expression of confusion and slow-building panic. As if my body was a house, and that house was slowly catching on fire. The bones of the structure bending but unable to break (no matter how desperately you wanted them to), the insides filling with smog and dark matter. One steady breath, and it can take me back there.

Most of the time, I don't care to remember. I like moving forward. I like running. I like making goals. I like meeting those goals and making more goals. I like looking forward to mornings with my coffee and taking the dog for a walk (when he's willing). I like my job. I like my friends.  I like my family (now THAT took a LONG time to say!). I like the space I am in. If I look back on the growth, physical - mental - spiritual, I can grow uncomfortable with the memory of how crazy I felt in my own skin. How the traumas of the past were invisible scars etched into the fabric of my organs and bones. The shame of not liking who I saw in the mirror. The confusion of my image reflecting back not meeting the mental picture in my head. Like I was body snatched into an overweight and depressed meat suit. Who I wanted to be and who I believed I could be - did not match reality.

We were defragmented pieces. These pieces were beautiful, but they were sharp and jagged and required slow work to be placed back together. Patience is not a virtue of mine. I wanted to put the pieces back in a matter of days but managed to grow frustrated with the work at every attempt. It took months to put those pieces back together. I am still putting those pieces back together, but the sides have dulled and I've learned to be kinder to myself and the process it takes when you realize with a house on fire, you have to slowly extinguish the flames in order to re-build.

And this time, for the love of all, re-build into an image you can smile at in the mirror.

Love,

Me.

[Not Alone]

Karbon,
Beautiful letter to yourself. Thank you for sharing it.

I've learned to be kinder to myself and the process it takes when you realize with a house on fire, you have to slowly extinguish the flames in order to re-build.

I am working on kindness and slowing down.

[DingDingCrunch]

Thanks for sharing. How did you get from where you were, to where you are now?