Intro

[whoam-i]

Sorry for the length.

My father left me and my mother when I was a little over a year old. He was a drunk and never stayed in one place. I connected with him in my late teens, then he disappeared again. He died 5 years ago, but had been dead 3 yrs before I found out. Mother remarried when I was 2 and I watched my adopted dad beat my mother when he was drunk as I grew up, until they divorced when I was 10. He would drink and black things out, not remembering we were going to meet for dinner, etc. I discontinued contact and we've been estranged until recently. We've just begun communicating a little through social media.

My mother was abused as a child and put in the hospital once by her dad. She's always been emotional, breaking down crying over some of the smallest things and takes everything personally. I was always left feeling responsible, constantly anxious and depressed, before I even knew what those words meant. I always listened, was always the good boy; listened to her get angry in traffic, angry at me when I did something wrong or just asked a stupid question, or get slapped for not swallowing a pill. I learned the best thing was to be quiet, walking on eggshells until the next breakdown. My best memories as a child are of when I was alone. It was horrible when she was dating after her and dad split. Her bringing home guys felt awful. We are estranged now as of last year (her decision), though she's still my friend on Facebook... *?

Although I was always anxious, my real anxiety issues kicked-in in my senior year of high school. We had just moved and I had trouble even going to school. My most accuse symptom is that I get shaky, my gag reflex intensifies and I will physically gag. For this reason I have a severe aversion to the dentist; haven't seen one in years. Couldn't date. Any situation where I would be nervous, job interviews, talking to girls, etc. At first it seemed these attacks happened for no reason. Mother took me to Drs. who would say I had an ulcer and prescribed Tagamet. I had one visit to a psych and he basically told me to get over it. I had seen a therapist later who helped with cognitive control of the anxiety, never touched on deeper issues. It got me to where I could function a bit better and begin dating.

Now I'm an adult (50) and married, I tend to waiver in how I feel. Wife calls me moody. Sometimes I'm pessimistic, ruminating on things that make me angry or depressed, but if you talked to me I would come across as a friendly, positive, and patient guy. And sometimes I do truly feel positive and hopeful. I have few friends. None that I'd call close.

My wife has ptsd from childhood too (father is severe narcissist and possible her abused her physically), and a seriously psychotic boyfriend experience that had her suicidal. We've now raised 3 kids who have anxiety and depression issues. We've tried hard not to pass on our issues, but have failed. Our marriage goes fairly well as long as we're not discussing serious issues and have enough external distractions to talk about. I find myself walking on eggshells again. I'm always the one who's done wrong in any argument and am the one to beg for forgiveness each time, yes some deservedly so. We've almost divorced multiple times and it appears a split may be coming as I write this.

I'm exhausted, struggling to pay the bills, tired of being ignored (friends and family alike), nobody reaches out to me to check-in or just say 'hi'. I don't trust any of my thoughts and frankly don't know who I am anymore.

[Not Alone]

whoam-i,

I want you to know that I read your post. I feel for you and all the pain you have had and that you continue to experience.

Welcome to OOTS. 

[woodsgnome]

I so hope your sharing, hard as it was to relate, may mark the starting point towards a new path. A path where you'll find your bearings again.

Regarding your presence here -- first, welcome . Take your time and be patient with yourself. Many on this forum have also experienced the deep grief and desperation you describe, so being here at least might not have you feeling so alone. Somehow we're willing to keep on searching for ways to find life worthwhile again.

May this herald the new turn in your life's fortunes, friend.

[Snowdrop]

Hi, whoam-i, pleased to meet you!

You're welcome here. I hope that being with us can help you find out who you are again.

[whoam-i]

Thank you for the welcome.

[Kizzie]

I'm so sorry to hear about what you endured and are struggling with to this day.  Unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you look at it, you're in good company here.  We get it and are all trying to recover by sharing, supporting and encouraging each other so welcome.

Along with posting and sharing your story, it might also be helpful to take some time and read about the causes and symptoms of Complex PTSD. this can help foster more internal understanding and acceptance that it's not you, it's what happened to you at the hands of people who were supposed to love, nurture and protect you. In short we're traumatized if we have Complex PTSD (Relational Trauma Response), and self-blame or criticism by others tends to keep us stuck. Compassion, kindness, understanding of the long lasting effects of relational trauma - all good on the road to recovery 

Glad you are here 

[bluepalm]

Welcome whoam-i. My heart goes out to you. From my experience on OOTS these past months, you've found a valuable, validating and kind community of people who have been affected by similar traumas.   

[stellajames]

Dear whoam-i,

You are a man who feels lost, but so self-aware I believe you will find yourself soon. You're thinking of splitting with your wife, you're blaming yourself for the anxiety of your children, it's no wonder you are feeling lost.

You reached out here, folks are reaching back. You are not alone, you are not lost. Be kind to yourself. Stay in the present. They say if one is sad, they're thinking of the past. If one is anxious, they're thinking about the future. You are welcome here, right here, right now.

You are not alone.

[arale]

I'm exhausted, struggling to pay the bills, tired of being ignored (friends and family alike), nobody reaches out to me to check-in or just say 'hi'. I don't trust any of my thoughts and frankly don't know who I am anymore.

Hi whoami,

I hope that you can get some rest here in this community. I hope you can feel safe enough to take a break from struggling, from being tired or working out who you are. Whoever you are at this moment is just OK.

And to echo stellajames, you are not alone.

[Kizzie]

How are you doing WhoAmI?