[Perplex]

Things won't change unless you make an effort TO change things. So this is my current plan...
- Be more active on OOTS as a support line.
- See my therapist and psychiatrist.
- Take my medication.
- Continue reading various self help books.
- Look for a new house to rent.

Yesterday I saw my therapist and I opened up a little about my identity dissociation episodes and my 'other parts'. I realised though that I seem to dissociate a lot less. It used to be almost a daily occurrence when I was still with my FOO. I dissociated a week ago I think... but that was the first time in a month? So, I think that's good progress.

But at the moment it feels like my life at home is... stagnating. I live with a flatmate which really impacts my recovery I believe. When I walk into the hallway I just don't feel... safe or comfortable. Doesn't help that my past experience with a previous flatmate didn't turn out so great.
Trigger warning - sexual
It was stupid really. He talked about the dangers of being around someone a lot older than yourself, yet he was the one to make the sexual advance on me... thanks for ruining my own home.
End TW
My current flatmate is okay but she's taking up a lot of space and I can't use said space to really look after myself. I know especially that healthy meals and a good diet will improve overall health, but I can't cook when the kitchen is a constant mess. 

My current obstacle is plucking up the courage to tell her I'm looking to move out. I feel an immense pang of guilt, feeling like I'm practically throwing all the bills onto her as soon as I leave. It feels like... if I tell her I'm moving out I might as well be saying "Have fun struggling on your own".

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry about your current and past problems with flatmates.

Wishing you lots of courage to tell your current one about moving out. 

[Jazzy]

Its great you're doing better, and It sounds like you have a great plan. In my experience, the people I've lived with has had the biggest impact on me, so it is super important to not live with those who hinder progress.

I know it can be really tough to make that kind of announcement, but giving her notice will allow her some time to find someone else, or another way to deal with those bills. Wishing you strength and courage to carry out your plan. Take care!

[Perplex]

I'm sorry about your current and past problems with flatmates.

Wishing you lots of courage to tell your current one about moving out. 

Its great you're doing better, and It sounds like you have a great plan. In my experience, the people I've lived with has had the biggest impact on me, so it is super important to not live with those who hinder progress.

I know it can be really tough to make that kind of announcement, but giving her notice will allow her some time to find someone else, or another way to deal with those bills. Wishing you strength and courage to carry out your plan. Take care!

Thank you kindly...

This morning I managed to get out of bed... I filled up the fish tanks with some fresh water and had a shower. I managed to just blurt it out and tell my flatmate I'm planning to move out. Her response was better than hoped... she wasn't upset or anything. She said I've been a good flatmate but I find that hard to believe...

Now I'm just trying to relax but I'm going slightly crazy. I try to play video games for leisure and sometimes it works but often times I have some rather obsessive tendencies spilling out. Would you believe me if I told you I've spent literally 5 hours today just restarting this one game over and over?  I'm pretty sure it's my CPTSD wanting me to control everything, wanting everything to be perfect and the way I want it. So when a game relies on generated randomness... I have to start it over and over. I'm just glad I don't use that same perfectionism on other people. At least with my games I can do it in the privacy of my own home and I won't be bothering anyone except myself.
Though I feel upset that I've wasted 5 hours... I honestly didn't feel the time go past. I understand it's unnecessary, that I should be happy with the cards I'm dealt. But I feel so uncomfortable when things aren't exactly how I want them to be. I've spent far too much of my life dealing with my FOO's spontaneity and orders... so now that I'm on my own, the ability to just... press 'restart' is like an addiction to me. Just one small thing out of place? Restart... Just one small mistake? Restart... It satisfies my craving but you know, at the end of the day, I just spent 5 hours pressing a button.  CPTSD is really something.

[Snowdrop]

Well done for telling your flatmate.

[Three Roses]

Well done! I'm glad your flatmate took it well. 

[Blueberry]

 

Time 'wasting' - I do that too of course, mostly online. There is a reason behind it though. It's not just a waste of time. I'm not sure what exactly the reason is, but there is one. I got that far with my T. It sounds as if you know roughly what's behind it in your case.

I'm getting better at forgiving myself. Tomorrow's another day, to work on some of this kind of stuff, to try and spend time more fruitfully. Sometimes I consciously allow myself this kind of break because there are definitely worse things I could be doing.

Here's  with a seed of self-forgiveness and self-empathy.

[Perplex]

Thank you again for the replies and encouraging words... I'm glad I got it out because now I can finally focus on making the next few steps.

@Blueberry: I've gotten a lot better at allowing myself to have "lazy days". I used to hate myself for not being productive but I've slowly come to realise that life isn't just... Work work work.


Talking about work... I've been fairly productive this week which really helps with my mood. There's still a ton of work to get through but my job expectation is to just "do what you can" so I'm not stressing too much about it. I thankfully have a wonderful boss who really cares for our physical and mental health. I really appreciate that.


I'm giving myself the evening to be alone after an unexpected encounter earlier.
I had met a man who I had gotten attached to because he seemed to share similar childhood woes with myself. It drew me closer but I started to realise he was beginning to emotionally manipulate me...

Trigger warning - my rant of emotional abuse
He talked about his history of violence towards others which unsettled me, he messaged me every single day and demanded a reply. I told him I had work and was very busy, but he said it wasn't good enough and made me feel horrible for not saying good morning. When I told him I wasn't going to physically visit him, he flew into a rage, saying I'm selfish for not thinking of him and his own wishes. The list goes on but those are the things that stand out.
End TW

I quickly went no-contact with him so I wouldn't let myself get pulled into another abusive relationship. I made the right decision because I felt a huge weight lifted off me after a few days.

Earlier I called my friends for a chat... But the first thing I heard was his voice, at my friend's house (they're all mutual friends). I didn't say anything, just quickly hung up. Maybe I could have been a bit more polite about it but I felt my heart beating fast and my body shaking...
I'm just allowing myself to settle a bit now.

[Three Roses]

That would have rattled me, too, hearing his voice when I didn't expect it. Good self care to hang up! 

[Snowdrop]

Well done for looking after yourself and hanging up. Your boss sounds great!

[sanmagic7]

hey, perplex,

well done on hanging up - i also see that as self=care.  and well done on going nc before things got worse.

you mention that you press reset to try to control your games, but that you don't have that same drive to control people.  maybe the games piece is your way to get that 'control' monkey off your back w/o hurting relationships.  i see it as a progressive step.  i believe that as you continue healing and recovering your self, even that piece of control  will become less and less.  just a thought.  dont' know if it pertains here, but it came into my head.

i like your plan, think it's positive and forward-looking.  best to you with it.  sending love and a hug filled w/ games that begin just right for you!

[Not Alone]

From what you described, sounds very wise to go no contact. I would have been upset to hear his voice too. I think it was good that you hung up.

[Perplex]

That would have rattled me, too, hearing his voice when I didn't expect it. Good self care to hang up! 

Thank you, Three Roses.

Well done for looking after yourself and hanging up. Your boss sounds great!

Thank you! He really is good.

hey, perplex,

well done on hanging up - i also see that as self=care.  and well done on going nc before things got worse.

you mention that you press reset to try to control your games, but that you don't have that same drive to control people.  maybe the games piece is your way to get that 'control' monkey off your back w/o hurting relationships.  i see it as a progressive step.  i believe that as you continue healing and recovering your self, even that piece of control  will become less and less.  just a thought.  dont' know if it pertains here, but it came into my head.

i like your plan, think it's positive and forward-looking.  best to you with it.  sending love and a hug filled w/ games that begin just right for you!

Thanks San, your comments are appreciated.

From what you described, sounds very wise to go no contact. I would have been upset to hear his voice too. I think it was good that you hung up.

Thank you, notalone. Your reply helps a lot.

----

One thing I've noticed about myself and my journey in CPTSD is that I often get extremely attached to certain things/people in a short span of time. But it's not like a crush, it's like... a weird family-like feeling... where I feel overly 'motherly', 'brotherly', or 'sisterly' to someone. I talked to my therapist about it and the only idea we have so far is that I'm behaving this way to sort of make up for what I myself lacked when I was younger. Like my subconscious is saying "Gosh, not having a functional motherly figure is really hard, I want to make sure nobody else feels that way!".

A few cases this got me into a bit of strife with being codependent but I've gotten better at setting boundaries. Nowadays I just let the feelings come and go, and I don't try to cling onto people.

Last night I had a dream that was a bit... odd?
In the dream itself I woke up from a nightmare, I walked over to my friend to ask if I could sleep in his bed with him - affectionately. This dream just seemed mildly adorable at the time but now that I think about it, that's such a mother-child thing to do... except I played the role of the 'child', and my 'mother' was my friend whom I felt safe around. It would also explain why I woke up feeling particularly childlike.
(But even though it's slightly weird, I have to admit - it made me feel very safe and comfortable and I loved that dream)

All these subconscious desires to feel loved/give love really makes for some weird and interesting feelings towards people. I know this is a journal but I welcome anyone to share their experiences with anything like this! I feel a bit crazy sharing this.

[Perplex]

Feeling this shame and guilt because I'm leaving work to have an off day... I feel I'm such a selfish human being. But this EF is driving me into a spiralling darkness, I cannot seem to concentrate or think straight at all. I feel confused about my identity and thoughts and I don't know what I want to do.
 

[Not Alone]

Perplex,
I understand feeling guilty about leaving work. I felt the same when I called in sick. What you are going through is real. The symptoms might not be obviously physical, but still worthy of time and care. Not selfish.