WF's journal {I have a potty mouth}

[Widdiful Falling]

I feel sick today. I'm probably coming down with the cold my SO had. I should rest my body. There is no rest. This is America, where even the slightest admission of weakness is severely punished. So I'll go to work, at my food service job, and try my best to stay away from the food. I will still probably make someone sick. I hate my job.

Why should I hurt other people just because my DM is too lazy to get off her * and cover my shift? Why don't we have enough managers present so my GM can have a day off, and not work 60 hour weeks? Why won't they pay me an extra $20 a week, so I can alleviate some of his burden? Because they're greedy little bastards. Their money means more to them than our health. We're replaceable. Well, replace me, then. I'm done.

I knew I was done with my family when I read a checklist of signs you're dating an abusive boyfriend, and I could go home and check off the whole list. Well, I've learned since then, and I am starting to be able to fill it in again. I am not going to let it escalate. The way I'm treated, the way I'm condescended, the way I'm told I'm "not good enough," the way I'm punished severely for the slightest problem; I'm done. Goodbye, job. I'm excellent at most of what I do. Good luck replacing me.

I feel obligated to stay. Part of me tastes my spite, and recoils from ever using it. This is an appropriate time. I am reacting in an appropriate way. Better to act appropriately, now, than to stay, and act out.

To my SO: please be advised that it has come down to changing jobs, or unfairly venting my frustration onto my coworkers. I don't want to take it out on anyone. I know exactly what you'll say in response, and to that I say, I'm human. I will slip up eventually, and it will not be pretty.

Well, this has all been brought about, in part, because every time I read the e-mail, I have a massive EF. I almost had a panic attack last time, because the words were written in such a similar style to the one my mother had. It was worse because, interspersed with the awful ones, there were a couple that sounded like you may have been speaking to a human.

So, two weeks ago, I was on my way to be fired, because some dickhead didn't like my face, or something. (I asked him if he wanted anything else with his order. Apparently, this was not okay...  )  Then, some guy complained because I reviewed his order being made, and we had put the extra lettuce he ordered on his burrito. I told him so, and suggested that he order more, next time. He yelled at me that we should instead increase our portion sizes.  He sent a picture of his burrito, and it clearly had extra on it. I was told I would be fired if I had one more complaint. So, naturally, a lady complained, I got flustered and accidentally answered a rhetorical question, and she freaked out and complained about me. So I was on the chopping block as recently as two weeks ago.

Then, one of our managers fell asleep on the job, we failed a bunch of secret shops, and pretty much half the company was put on final warning. So a bunch of people are getting fired if they so much as look at the wrong person the wrong way for the next 6 months. Many good workers who had made a single mistake are going to be fired unfairly.

My GM was discussing the * treatment he's received, and he told me that on the bright side, I can do no wrong right now.

I wanted to throw up.

I. Am. Not. Putting. Up. With a GC/SG dynamic.

Maybe I'm reading too far into that, but I think that any workplace that doesn't take you at face value, and instead compares you to people with different strengths, is dysfunctional.

I'm hoping for a nice receptionist or secretarial job. Maybe I can get into a bank, or something. Somewhere where I will be appreciated for going above and beyond my job. Where extra work isn't taken for granted, and where my bosses e-mail me like I'm more than an irritating * stain in their underwear, to be controlled, rather than worked with.

Maybe even a place where, if I have a cold, I can take a sick day instead of paying $100 to get a doctor to examine me and say "yep, looks like a cold."

NO * IT IS A COLD. I AM NOT * STUPID. I CAN TELL WHEN I HAVE A GODDAMN COLD!!!

Maybe if I speak in caps lock, abusively, and use way too many punctuation marks, I will finally speak their language, and I can go home before I contaminate the entire store. 

Yep, I think it's time for me to move on.

[Widdiful Falling]

I showed my SO my weeble. That thing has been everywhere with me. It's all I have left of my childhood. We were talking about childhood memories, and I remembered I had it with me, and I pulled it out of my purse, and put it on the table in front of him. He started playing with it. I thought he would think it was stupid, especially since I was carrying it with me. I broke down crying, and I have no idea why.

I used to be sentimental about objects, but when we started moving around, I had to stop. I don't know how my weeble even made it through all the packing, unpacking and repacking. I kept thinking I had lost it, then finding it again. I had given up on the notion of having anything to remember my childhood by, the last time I found it. I sobbed when I realized I had found it again. I was in the basement, doing laundry, and I found it in a dusty corner. It's been in my purse ever since.

It makes my inner child very happy to have it back. I've had it since I was 2. It has many good memories attached to it.

[Kizzie]

How wonderful that you found your weeble and better yet, that it has good memories attached to it.  It obviously means a great deal to your IC.

Sorry to hear about work - have you found another job?

[Widdiful Falling]

I was so happy I found my weeble! 

Unfortunately, I lost my wallet, with my ID in it. I need to replace some things before I find a new job. I'm working on that, though. Thank you for asking. 

[Widdiful Falling]

I have decided to change my hair. I think it would look cool if it were lighter. I also think that maybe I can stop looking into mirrors and seeing my mother if I dye it.

I was so exhausted at work today, I almost couldn't move. I pushed myself too far past my limit. I knew my limit, and I did it anyway. I should have listened to my body when it said it was tired. Instead, I called it weak and kept going. It felt good while it lasted, I suppose, conquering my puny body. But now I am paying for it. I wish I could sleep. Instead, I sit here, with bags under my eyes, trying to keep the panic away. I wish I could just panic and get it over with. But my body automatically depersonalized me. I am very numb.

Today is one of the bad days I was telling my T about. When the depression hits me like a sack of stone, and I feel all hope is lost. I remember that other person I was, but it can't have been me. I was so full of hope, and energy, and life. Now I feel like I could lie down and die. I'm certainly not suicidal. I don't think I could muster that kind of energy. I'm just a sad sack.

I don't feel that I inherently deserve love. I feel I have to earn it. I had taken a little break from pushing myself, and I felt good, but also like I hadn't done enough. I accomplished more, though, than I do when I'm exhausted. Logically, it doesn't make any sense for me to push myself. But I don't feel like anything has gotten accomplished until I'm half-dead physically, and entirely dead emotionally. And now that I'm half-dead, it must mean I'm a pansy for being half-dead.

I'm going to eat something, and then go to sleep. I am probably exhausted enough to pass out by now.

[Widdiful Falling]

Thank you. I do feel much better. Re-reading my post, I feel a lot of compassion for myself. Bad days happen, and sometimes we all feel like sad sacks. I know that every mood, every feeling will pass. I would have killed myself long ago if I didn't.

I really, really appreciate your kindness and care from the bottom of my heart.

[Kizzie]

- what BH said - kindness and care, you do deserve it 

[Widdiful Falling]

I'm pondering awareness, both of the self, and others. I've always consciously tried to be a very self-aware person, but not so much aware of my surroundings. One thing at a time, I guess. How can we be fully aware of the world around us, and how we fit in, if we are not aware of ourselves first? I don't think this sort of self-study is inherently narcissistic, although we've been taught that to think about yourself for too long is. In fact, as long as your intent is pure, I think that self-study has quite the opposite effect.

When we dream, when we meditate, when we reach into the furthest corners of our minds and explore every inch, I think, is when we finally know how we fit into this world. Buddhist ideology seems to describe how I feel about this subject very well.

[Widdiful Falling]

I tend to get lost in my thoughts and feelings a lot, and stop paying attention to the world around me. This helps a lot as far as emotional processing and awareness, but I tend to lack observational skills. I have run directly into objects because I was lost in thought! 

Something I'm working on is staying present. I think it might have to do with being overwhelmed. If I can't process an event while it's happening, I get stuck on it, and mull it over until I have processed it thoroughly.

[Widdiful Falling]

I haven't slept much since last time I was here. I'm still seeing a T, and I'm talking with her mostly about problems at work. Talking about problems at work doesn't address the elephant in the room, though: my past traumas. I go into full flashback mode (which is what the sweating and shaking were about, btw) every time I get close to thinking about what was done to me. I have trouble accepting that these are really my memories, and not some story, or nightmare I went through. The nightmares have been constant, and vivid lately, which isn't surprising, given that August is when a lot of anniversaries happen.

My performance at work is slipping, and my boss hates me.

I opened up to my roommate about some of ways I was physically abused. I was shaking and sweating just remembering. Actually talking about it, I realized that a lot of it was more mortal than my young mind registered. There were many times when I could have been killed. Or maybe I knew it when it happened (I survived somehow, right?), and blocked the knowledge from myself. Maybe I closed my eyes and decided that I couldn't cope with the knowledge that I'd almost died on top of the pain I had already. My roommate was appalled, and said my M took it way too far. It was like being tortured. I never knew if I was going to be woken up by being beaten, I never knew whether my M would attack me, and all the while I was living in terror, I was told that this was what love is, and that love is wonderful. No wonder I wanted to die. If that was the best I could hope for, I was better off dead.

It's still almost impossible to connect the being that is me to the being that suffered such violence. Maybe that's why I have such dark dreams? My brain is trying to go through what happened, and the feelings that I had, and make me believe it happened to me?

I'm in such a dark place right now.   

[DaisyMae]

Hi Widdiful Falling  ,

Glad u r back!  I had stopped posting for a while as well and have recently decided to return to posting on the site.  It was triggering for me at times and overwhelming, decided I needed to work on myself and read the experiences of others and just take it all in. 

I relate completely to what you said in your post  :

I have trouble accepting that these are really my memories, and not some story, or nightmare I went through. The nightmares have been constant, and vivid lately.....

and

My performance at work is slipping, and my boss hates me.

This is exactly the same kind of experience that I am going through right now.  The anxiety is constant.  And, it is affecting my work.  I can't focus, concentrate, have no energy to deal with all the issues and personnel.  I am really sorry that you are going through this.  I understand completely wanting to believe that it all was not real, it really didn't happen.  But, the memory part of our brain just will not let it go... will not let us ignore it, forget about it.  It is very hard to get out of that dark place,  never thought I was going to get out of it. Like you, felt I would be better off dead.  Fortunately, with the help of my T and a few new and old friends (definitely not my family or husband), I am back on track and learning again, finding reasons to keep living.  I was upset with my T when I ended up in Inpatient, but in the end it was the best thing for me.  Now I am in an OP program and Group Therapy has been an experience that I am grateful for and is helping me to work through it with the support of others that are also in pain, are suffering. 

I still have the EF's, the nightmares.  I take my SSRI in the morning but I do not take what they gave me at night to suppress the EF's, help me  .  I know I have to deal with the past trauma's and suppressing them, burying them, is not going to help matters.  It is hard to talk about what you have gone through with others that have not experienced similar situations, they cannot relate.  You end up with sympathy, not empathy, and it just makes me feel worse when they express their sympathies, like "Oh, you poor thing...."

Widdiful, you are here, we survived!  As I am now remembering, we had to be strong and resilient to survive. And yes, we could have been killed, could have died.  But we didn't and we are still here to talk about it and support others.  It will be okay, the past can't hurt us anymore.... eventually.  It is still hurting us now because we do not understand how to deal with it.  But with the help of others here at OOTS, friends, and for some.... family, we will learn to accept the past and know that it really can't hurt us now unless we let it.  Hang in there!  I am feeling like  right there with you but am hoping to feel like life is really a in the near future and start taking care of myself and have some fun!

Best Wishes and Take Care!

DaisyMae 

[Widdiful Falling]

I have decided that, from this day forward, I am going to try to be cheerful out of spite. So there.   

[Trees]

You go, Widdiful !   

[MaryAnn]

Awesome!

MaryAnn

[Widdiful Falling]

So far, being cheerful has worked, even though at times I've had to do it to spite my IC. Seriously, though, screw that guy. 

I have to remember that I don't deserve extra punishment for doing things wrong. I have to accept the consequences of my actions, but I don't have to sabotage myself to prove my guilt.