Parents' Passing

[Katididit]

My Narcissistic father is 93 years old, with Alzheimers. The dementia has changed him from a demanding, violent, critical, dismissive, self centered individual to a pseudo nice guy. This has been confusing. I always considered myself fatherless as this man had no clue about being a parent. I am now one of his Powers of Attorney, yet he still refuses to sign documents for me, preferring to bestow that honor on my brother, the Golden Boy (also a Narc).

My mother, a manipulative, delusional * disturber, died last month. I have yet to weep, and probably never will.

For decades I distanced myself from my parents, acting only out of duty, as my efforts on their behalf have been repeatedly trivialized and dismissed. Now my father calls me daily, seeking comfort over the loss of my mother. Their relationship was completely toxic, but he misses her. I tried to support him initially, but he forgets the conversations and frankly I am tired of repeating myself. It's not unusual for him to call 20 times a day. I finally blocked him on my phone, and call him on my schedule, which isn't often.

The point of this is that the healing work I've done says that it's OK to distance oneself from one's abusers. Those that met my parents thought they were the sweetest old couple. Little did they know. The distance has been necessary to avoid being sucked back into the vortex of my childhood trauma. At the age of 65 I'm still trying to clean up their mess.

Yet I feel guilty, now my dad is at the end of his life, frail and incapacitated. The guilt is completely self imposed, but doesn't change my attitude or actions at all.

It's very strange indeed.

Thank you for reading.

[Perplex]

This sounds really difficult... especially when someone who's abused you has seemed to change so much. I can't imagine how that must make you feel...
I don't have any advice sorry, other than to perhaps acknowledge your limits and keep yourself comfortable. Wishing you well.

[Kizzie]

I feel guilty, now my dad is at the end of his life, frail and incapacitated. The guilt is completely self imposed, but doesn't change my attitude or actions at all.

I feel similarly about my parents Kati, and had a hard time dealing with the guilt.  What has helped me is to understand that it is because I did not lose my humanity in the face of the trauma I faced and live with. That's a life affirming thought and a reason to celebrate in a way. 

Living with a degree of guilt makes me aware of the fact that I am a compassionate, kind, loving person despite my traumatic past.

I hope this is helpful