Yep I'm new here too (Trigger Warning)

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wannalearnlife

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Yep I'm new here too (Trigger Warning)
« on: November 20, 2019, 03:07:07 AM »
Thank you so much for all of the amazing stories and for creating this forum! 
I will start by apologizing this may be a bit long - but very cathartic

I am coming to terms with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in my life.  I have an uNPD mother and I believe uNPD sister.  I believe my sister still wishes that I was never born, and my mother was quite unfit as her mother committed suicide the year after my sister was born.

I grew up in a middle class home, in a fairly nice neighborhood with twin brother and two older siblings. At six months old I had encephalitis from a vaccine, and from my understanding I was catatonic for some weeks. My mother tells me that she "couldn't handle it" and handed me off to my enabling father.  By three years old, I had asthma and have been told that I was punching a hole in the front door. At six, my twin brother and I were banging on the parents' bedroom door begging them to get a divorce as the fighting (not physical violence) was overwhelming.  At seven I was inappropriately touched by a physician as my mother thought I had thyroid cancer, and when I asked about it she said, " he was just doing his job." From the time I was three years old to about I had severe asthma that meant whenever we went on vacation, I ruined it and sent us to the emergency room. 

I was not allowed out after dark because of the asthma and that I was a girl....  My mother loved my long blond hair as she was dark and olive complected.  She kept it long until she was tired of brushing it and I was never allowed to have long hair again until high school. I was very pretty and I used to sing all the time, and could play the piano by ear, and my family told me to shut up, so I did.  I kept up with the boys because clearly they had it better, so I played sports, and wished I was a boy.  I was told that I was not "feminine" enough  through millions of mixed messages. By high school, I had medium grades, but was president of the anti-drug group and on a national speakers bureau as a result of my older brother's drug problems. I had many jobs, and grades suffered as I did my best to find what would please my mother - and she would direct me to live as she wished me to live, only with career options that she could imagine herself doing. One of my first relationships was with a difficult boy in college and after that when I found a lovely young man, my parents threatened to disown me as he tried his best to lure me away from their toxicity, but they won. So I married under pressure the freakiest guy I could find, and reveled in how much they hated it.

My mother always called my friends by their name: "That so and so"

After college I experimented with drugs, and with my husband managed to move across the country. He was a nice person actually but lied to me and I left him. I moved further away from my family of origin, made myself a powerful name, dyed my hair pink and started to work.  I made progress on the onion of issues and strides in my life, I was strong, and successful where i wanted to be successful - but I wanted more so I moved again. Met a Narcissist, moved overseas, went no contact with my family until the hoovering lie that shook my skin. As i left the narcissist some of my worst nightmares came true.   I did survive, however, and met an alcoholic who helped me have some more success that I am proud of. I left him when he was diagnosed with cancer. (I still feel bad about that).

Finally the piece de resistance, I met another man, gorgeous, fit, and annoying, but I didn't pay attention to that. We married two years later, and he immediately became psychologically, physically and sexually abusive.  I did get pregnant too, and had to have an abortion due to my condition (which I am actually grateful for). He yelled at me in public on the bus the whole way to the clinic. He was so abusive, I had a student of mine pick me up and care for me in the first 24 hours. I had no family to talk with, no support other than my computer student and some friends.

I got a job that traveled that would help me escape the man, and i was to start after my hysterectomy. My parents came and my husband fought with my parents and came uninvited (of course no one should have been invited).  I had to have security remove my husband from the hospital. When I was released, my mother was to take me back home and care for me. She demanded that I leave immediately so she could see her grandchildren at the cottage. That meant a 14 hour flight, one small night of sleep and a four hour drive north. When we arrived, I was sobbing and could not get out of the car. My mother told me I was sick and she would set up an appointment with a psychiatrist who subsequently told me to return to my husband.

I took that travel job, but saw my husband on his best behavior for months as he visited me where I was. Eventually I got him a job too. That was the biggest mistake of my life. once he made his way into the job he physically abused me the morning before my first day on a special assignment. To try and shorten this long diatribe of pain, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, and two more episodes of physical abuse and I called the police on my husband in my home town.  My mother is ok. And my husband went with my best friend and got her pregnant and I didn't get a call for work for 10 months because she was my dispatcher. I moved once my mother was ok, and started a business and went back to school for my MBA. I went with a man who was an addict, because I thought he would help me escape my family. Two years later my father was diagnosed with ALS. For five years he declined. I had my life on hold. I moved back fairly close and took a minimum wage job to be near him during his last years. As soon as he died my mother became rageful, and could not get rid of everything that reminded her of him fast enough.

it's been 16 months since dad died. I can barely work, barely trust my co-workers, or anyone, I have one friend here, and I am really suffering. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, and I am hoping I can start some emdr as now I know the roots and although I get triggered almost every day and I don't know who I am anymore, I am still here. and I am inspired by those of you who are still here too.

Thank you for your valuable time and minds.

« Last Edit: November 20, 2019, 01:55:06 PM by Kizzie »

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Three Roses

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Re: Yep I'm new here too
« Reply #1 on: November 20, 2019, 04:14:00 AM »
I'm so sorry to hear all you've been through. That was certainly a lot of horrible experiences. It was difficult to read but I did read it all. And although I am sorry that you have come to need a place such as this forum, I'm glad you've found us.

I hope your therapist is trauma informed. Here's a link to some info you can read and print for your therapist and other health care professionals - https://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads

Thanks for joining
 :heythere:


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Perplex

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Re: Yep I'm new here too
« Reply #2 on: November 20, 2019, 06:37:07 AM »
Just want to say that I've read it and I hear you. That sounds like an awful bunch of difficult situations. I hope you will find some comfort here.

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Snowdrop

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Re: Yep I'm new here too
« Reply #3 on: November 20, 2019, 06:58:17 AM »
I'm so sorry you went through all this, but I'm glad you found us. Welcome! :wave:

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wannalearnlife

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Re: Yep I'm new here too
« Reply #4 on: November 20, 2019, 01:42:59 PM »
 :fallingbricks:
 :stars:
Thank you for reading that. I read it through and thought, "that isn't even all of it"...
I know we all have pretty difficult items in our past and that's why we are here.
I have some questions for folks but I'm not sure if they should go here or in another post.

I was reading about oversharing/undersharing - and wondering how that affects people (I saw something about the need to tell the truth all the time or confess...)

secondly the imposter syndrome - is also curious ...

would people suggest starting new threads about these topics?

Thanks again for your time and support!

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Three Roses

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Re: Yep I'm new here too (Trigger Warning)
« Reply #5 on: November 20, 2019, 02:05:56 PM »
Yes, it's best to start new threads under an appropriate sub-board (or child board). Questions and comments about treatments, therapies, recoveries, etc can then be more easily found in the future by those wishing to read about that particular subject.

I wasn't sure what you meant about over and under sharing. We do need to share and be heard, while also being sensitive to others here. If you're worried that something you want to say may be triggering for others to read, it's best to put a trigger warning in either the title or the first line of your post.

Jic you hadn't seen them the guidelines are here - https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=1616.0

I'm looking forward to hearing more from you.
 :heythere:

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wannalearnlife

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Re: Yep I'm new here too (Trigger Warning)
« Reply #6 on: November 20, 2019, 02:11:46 PM »
Thank you Three Roses
I did read the guidelines.  ;D

Over/undersharing  - I was referring to some habits that we end up with when struggling with CPTSD. I have read about it on Reddit I think.  Just a general statement. And thank you for the (trigger warning) reminder.

Thanks again!

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notalone

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Re: Yep I'm new here too (Trigger Warning)
« Reply #7 on: November 20, 2019, 02:41:00 PM »
I just want you to know that I read your post. Heartbreaking.

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Blueberry

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Re: Yep I'm new here too
« Reply #8 on: November 20, 2019, 05:32:08 PM »
I have some questions for folks but I'm not sure if they should go here or in another post.

I was reading about oversharing/undersharing - and wondering how that affects people (I saw something about the need to tell the truth all the time or confess...)

secondly the imposter syndrome - is also curious ...

would people suggest starting new threads about these topics?

Yes, other topics like these should definitely go on appropriate other boards. The Intro board is just for introducing yourself to the forum and receiving first replies and Welcome. After that, new mbrs start posting on different boards.

So welcome to the forum :heythere: I'm glad you found us and hope you find it supportive and helpful here.