Interesting compilation of LC/NC stories from estrangement forums

[saylor]

As someone who was NC with my brutal F for the last decade of his life, with no acknowledgement on his part with respect to my grievances, which I had very clearly spelled out and which ultimately precipitated the estrangement (he went beyond mere denial... he full-blown demonized me and blamed the estrangement on me, accepting no responsibility himself*), I've long been interested in the topic of parent-child estrangement. It turns out that it's extremely common for parents to claim that they have "no idea" why the children want no contact, and that the children are simply being bratty and selfish and ungrateful and ....

Maybe in some cases that's true, but my suspicion is that the parents are often just in extreme denial, as it's too uncomfortable and inconvenient to look inward and accept any kind of fault.
Here's an interesting site that compiles statements from websites regarding the issue of estrangement, in the words of the parents and the adult children. I'm only just starting to go through it right now, but I'm going to keep exploring. What I gather is that gaslighting didn't just happen in my own family, but is probably actually quite rampant and typical behavior of abusers who refuse to accept their own role in the estrangement, preferring to scapegoat the children.

(Trigger warning - article contains statements from abusers that are gaslighting, minimizing, etc)

http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/themes-abuse-is-rare.html

* it's worth mentioning, BOTH of my F's children chose estrangement.... shouldn't that have been a clue to him that something real was going on, and that it wasn't "just" me?

[Kizzie]

Wow Saylor, this is an amazing look into the minds and hearts of people who don't have a clue about what abuse/neglect is really all about for whatever reason.   

I added a trigger warning because it's tough to read but also important for those who are ready. Personally I'm going to read it slowly -  don't want the anger to flood up so I'm not able to take it in.

it's worth mentioning, BOTH of my F's children chose estrangement.... shouldn't that have been a clue to him that something real was going on, and that it wasn't "just" me?

You'd think so but alas those who hurt others seem to be able to rationalize just about anything.  Makes me so very sad and angry, but knowing this (imo) helps us to place responsibility on them and not accept any blame or shame they or others or we ourselves try to throw our way

[saylor]

Good call on the trigger warning. Thanks, Kizzie

I hope that those who meditate on the issue of LC/NC and choose to look at the site can find some solace. It's helpful for me, anyway, and I really need that reality check. It still bothers me a lot that my F never took any ownership at all of what he did, and how he chose to leave this world in a way that went as far as he possibly could to deny me and my sibling closure

[Kizzie]

 

[Not Alone]

I was NC with both of my parents for 17 years. When I reconnected, I wrote each of them a letter telling them that I forgave them. My mother's written response, "I didn't do anything to be forgiven for." The damage she did to me. . . . . . . . . . . And her denials have been crazy-making.

[Phoebes]

Yes, reading these types of things reminds me i'm in the right place. In the early times of NC (well, I was trying to just take a break but got lambasted with these types of sentiments, so I went NC), rather than hearing any form of empathy or understanding, my Nm went straight for all of this type of talk (which she always has).

The subject was not even on "the past." I tried to explain how in the present when she (what I now realize is gaslighting) brought up certain comments and topics every time we get together, it triggers me. She brings up topics in order to discredit my experience. I had no idea the rage that type of calling-out would cause.

I think they spend so much time making up stories about how they think we feel because they know we are legit. Their denial is so deep they can't even think straight.

[saylor]

. . . And her denials have been crazy-making.

notalone, I know what you mean. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not more disturbed by my F's failure to acknowledge the abuse than by the abuse itself. If only the parents in question could understand the importance of accepting their role, but they all (or most of them, anyway) simply want to skip over all that and get right to the good stuff. It's like, once again, we don't matter, our feelings and suffering don't matter. It's all about/for them, and we're mere objects. Once again...
So maddening!

[Kizzie]

It's like, once again, we don't matter, our feelings and suffering don't matter. It's all about/for them, and we're mere objects.

This to me is absolutely key to understanding relational trauma; those most important in our lives send the message in whatever way, doesn't have to be extreme abuse, that we don't matter, that we are "mere objects" as you suggest Saylor or "mere nothings" as Kafka wrote in a letter to his Nfather. 

It's the truth I ran from for decades, hoping they would change, that I was wrong and if I just did or said the right thing they would become the parents I longed for, that I would be important to them, loved. When I faced the reality that was never going to happen it was really painful, but at the same time it freed me to begin moving forward in recovery. 

I've said this a few times here but I've come to think of myself as a trauma orphan with a hole in my heart that cannot  ever quite be filled.      I watch a TV show "Long Lost Family" that's about adoptees who find their parents/siblings after sometimes decades of looking. The thing they all say when they do find their birth family is that the hole in their heart has finally been filled. It's hard to watch because I will never have that, but it also validates the pain & loss I still feel to this day and always will to some degree I think.

It's just a soul wrenching truth to live with but what does help is that I know now NPD takes away people's ability/desire to love, that it wasn't me at least but my parents own trauma that overtook all of us.  I've stopped the transmission of that and that counts; I take a lot of solace in that. 

[saylor]

Kizzie, yes. I totally relate. It's a gaping hole in the heart that creates reverberating pain. I'm glad you've broken the cycle. That's huge!
I'm trying to focus on the beauty of my relationship with my partner, which has been miraculous, and seems to help with the attachment wound. It never feels like complete healing (there's still this almost primitive sense of parental betrayal that will never be correctable because my parents are dead, so game over), but I'm fortunate to finally feel loved and like there's someone on this planet who is really invested in me and my wellbeing. I try like mad to focus on that, and count those blessings, and it certainly helps

[Kizzie]

Glad you have a healthy relationship in the here and now that helps Saylor.  I do as well and I am grateful because many of us don't.  Relationships are just extremely difficult when you're a relational trauma survivor, it runs deep in our minds. hearts and bodies. I'm just about to post a new blog article about this so will add a link here once it's up.