Stutter - Deep Blue

[Deep Blue]

New journal new phase:

I've been rough lately. I know I have not been on the forum much. I read sometimes but it's so hard to respond.  The truth is, I feel really alone.

I carry all these personas... even on the forum I find myself trying to pick people up, brush them off, it's the same at work. I pick up my students brush them off and am their rock.  But where is my rock? Only my T and the forum know the real me... and the thing is... even this forum doesn't know my real name, and if something awful was to happen to me... I could still probably fade away without much notice.

What it comes down to is that I'm tired. I'm so tired of struggling. I'm tired of the slow movement of any type of progress and then a flashback knocks me off my feet again.

I've messaged my T every day since my session last Wednesday.  I hate me. I hate how needy that is.  I reached out to several friends and it was hours later when I heard back if I heard back at all.

Yeah,
So I'm stuttering and I'm scared I'm gonna disappear.   

[Not Alone]

Deep Blue,

My heart hurts that you are feeling so alone and sad. I understand the feeling of being tired of the struggle, of the slow progress. I understand needing my T so much and hating being so needy. You are important, Deep Blue. I hear you.

[woodsgnome]

I feel like I'm in the same pattern as you've described, Deep Blue. Pattern? It's more like my norm, including the "hate myself" piece. I do plenty of positive self-talk, but the core reacts as if no, I really don't deserve the good stuff, do I? I'm  very tired with that endless struggle, but seem stifled when I try to get past it.

Instead of sinking further, I better stop but leave you with this heartfelt message: You are important, and have been missed.    

[sanmagic7]

i'm deeply sorry for your struggle, db.  i know it all too well.  lonely and needy - i know those feelings, too.  we're so strong and independent in our jobs, yet, can't always feel that for ourselves.  i get it. 

sending love and a hug filled w/ angel wings to wrap you up, comfort you, and let you know you're not alone, that you are loved and cared about.  in any way we can, we're here for you.

[Blueberry]

  for you Deep Blue.

[Snookiebookie2]

I sympathize and feel for you Deep Blue.  Sending love.   

[Sceal]

 
I am sorry that you are struggling so much these days. I hope that you will find some light soon, or manage to unburden some of that what you are carrying around.

Loneliness is such a terrible thing to carry around with you. It's so painful.


I've been thinking of you. 

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue,
I am also thinking of you, and I want to send you a heartfelt hug, if that's ok   
Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Notalone,
Thanks, i do feel supported by you and I always appreciate reading what you write.

Woodsgnome,
I always admire the way you are able to craft your words in such an honest and loving way.  Thanks for being you.

San,
Thanks for the angel wings.. I'm gonna snuggle with them tonight too.  I need them after my day today 

Blueberry and snookiebookie,
Thanks for the hugs. 

Hope,
I will always always accept hugs from you.  I have always felt your kindness in this forum and my experience tells me you are a kind spirit with a heart is gold.

Sceal,
I've missed you... I wish I had more to give or say...  cuz words are failing me.
———————————————-
Heck of a Monday today: tough things that I faced today in order.
1. My student showed up to my room with brand new marks from SH.  It hurts me to see her like that.

2. My friend had to report child abuse today... then they asked me (because of my middle eastern heritage) about it.  It hurt to hear about it

3. While she spoke about the abuse my brain decided to give me a flashback.  I had body memories that hurt my lower back during and after the flashback of PA.

4. My student is being removed from school and will be hospitalized again.  She was hospitalized last year... and looks like she will be again.  It hurt me to hug her goodbye not knowing if I'll see her tomorrow.

5. My friend is visiting from across the country but I had not heard from her.  She texted me saying that we may not see each other this visit.  Family issues... her sister (also my friend) overdosed last night.  I was counting on seeing her to get that breath of fresh air... but now I feel even more alone and vulnerable. 

So there you go... everything hurts.  I'm hurting and I don't know where to turn anymore.  I'm lost, I'm down, and I'm scared...

I even feel guilty leaving this here cuz it's so depressing... 

[Snowdrop]

Oof. I'm sorry all of that happened, particularly in a single day. Sending you hugs and support if that's ok.

[Hope67]

Dear Deep Blue,
You have so much to deal with at the moment, and it doesn't seem fair that so much is on your shoulders, and I hope that you can get help with things, and feel lighter, and also that you get some sense of peace, and whatever feeling would help you at this time - I really wish you the best - you are such a lovely person, and I wish I could say or do something that would help - sending you a hug 
Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Snowdrop,
Thanks for the hugs and support.

Hope,
Just reading what you wrote does help.  Thanks for the support.  It really does mean a lot.
————————————————-
Better day today on most fronts.

I think i am coming to a conclusion about exposure therapy.  I feel so needy when we do it... like I'm gonna fall apart at any moment.  Maybe I should talk to my T and possibly schedule an extra appointment on weeks we are doing exposure.  I'm having trouble getting my composure back each time so maybe that will help?!

[Not Alone]

That sounds like a good way to care for yourself.

[Deep Blue]

Today was really good,
I didn't go to work today. Instead I played sports for self care and hung out with a friend from out of town.

I didn't know how much I needed it till now.  It's so good to feel more human.

Love to you all 

[Deep Blue]

Friday! I'm so glad this week is over.

I'm counting down the days till we are finished for the semester... 10 work days and counting.

I was mean to my T yesterday.  I felt bad about it today.  I messaged her to apologize.  I apologized for being mean and needy.  Then I said... "forgive me?"

She replied that she didn't think I was mean... she just saw me as scared.  Why does that hurt my heart to hear?

I did some of the homework she gave (even though I told her I was not gonna do it). So I drew out a couple pics this week... both stick figures depicting some of my abuse. 

Deep breath... I already threw out 1 drawing... hope I sleep tonight.