Stutter - Deep Blue

[Not Alone]

Deep Blue,

I drew a picture of an object in my last therapy session. I know that a drawing on paper can be difficult and bring lots of feelings. I hope you sleep well tonight. 

[sanmagic7]

well done for drawing those pics - putting images on paper, like notalone said, can bring up a lot of feelings that just talking or writing about doesn't.  seeing an image is much more difficult to deny or distract from. 

mean and needy?  well, we are very needy at times, and i don't think there's anything 'wrong' about that, nothing that warrants an apology. (my opinion only)  we're talking c-ptsd here, the mother of all beasts.  our needs are great, and especially during times of stress, greater than usual.  i think neediness comes with the territory. 

do you think your heart hurts at the idea that fear was underlying your perception of being mean?  i also think that sometimes definitions of self-care or holding boundaries has been defined for us in neg. terms.  for ex., when we want something for ourselves, we're often labeled selfish.  or, when we take a break from life's struggles, we're labeled lazy.  maybe you really were mean, as in nasty, or maybe you were defending yourself from something that frightened you.  it sounds like your t knows the difference.

you're working hard at this stuff, and i hope you're able to give yourself credit for that.  i do.  sending love and a hug filled w/ clarity.

[Deep Blue]

Thanks San!
That example you wrote really rings true for me.  That labeling of lazy and selfish and for that matter too sensitive.

Not alone,
Are you able to draw very well? My drawings were primitive looking and stick figure kind, but got the point across.  Crazy that it still knocked me down as much as it did... I mean it's just stick figures! 

Thanks for the support, it's the risk of sounding needy... it was needed

[Not Alone]

No, I can't draw well. It was a five year old part who drew the picture, but it wouldn't have looked much different if adult me drew it. Not at all crazy that your picture "knocked you down." Just like last week, I was not able to tear my picture up, after all, it's just paper. But it isn't just paper or just stick figures. It represents so much more.

We are all needy in different ways and to different degrees in our lives. It's part of being human. What we've survived increases our need for support and care. It is okay to have needs.

[Deep Blue]

Went to therapy today... felt really irritable before going in...

Then anxiety... so much anxiety today...

Tonight sadness, lots of sadness. 

The thing is... I have no idea why. Why do my emotions change like this? Why am I sad now? 

[sanmagic7]

that's the question for the ages, i think.  why do we feel any of this stuff that doesn't always seem logical or w/o a rational reason?  part of the beast, i think.  our minds at work, doing their best to stay sane. 

this, too, shall pass, right?  hang tough, my dear.  we're here with you.  sending love and hugs filled w/ care and support

[Sceal]

 

[Deep Blue]

Breakthrough!!!!

Was feeling rough lately.  My mom got in a car accident on Monday and yesterday they had to restart my dad's heart.  They are both ok. 

I've been a mess. I realized that the reason is because it's my classic trigger.  I'm not in control. I can't control is another driver does a hit and run with my mom or that my dad has heart problems. 

Good news is they are ok

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue,
Glad to hear your parents are ok, and I hope that you are ok as well.  Sending you a hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[Sceal]

Good to hear that they are both okay!
Also good to hear that you got a breakthrough!  Proud of you!

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad your parents are both OK.

[Deep Blue]

Oh sweet Hope,
I will never ever turn down a hug from you.    to you too.

Thanks snowdrop!

I don't know why... but I feel like I'm in a new phase of CPTSD.  I Never used to have so many flashbacks.  I'm getting them more and more often lately. I'm not sure what that means either? I used to get more EF but these are real flashbacks.  Sometimes while I dream at night but quite a lot are during the day.  Quick clips of PA mostly.  Sometimes they are paired with a body memory but I find them so so disorienting. 

Where did they come from? Why are there so many? I'm wondering what I am doing or not doing that makes them keeping propping up their ugly heads? I wonder if I've been shoving them down lately? Does that have an effect?  I dunno 

[Sceal]

I think that you are in a phase where you are trying to reconciliate with what happened. Come to terms with it.
It's a long process, and it has alot of up and downs. From what you describe it sounds as if you're caught up in a storm, It sounds like it was for me last year. But it did clear up. I have less flashbacks now. It's really painful though, what you're going through right now.
And I hope you're able to hold on to something or someone sane while you go through this "#%-phase.

[Deep Blue]

Sceal,
You never fail to make me feel better and give me hope. 

What you said makes sense.  I wish it wasn't a long process but at least I know it won't be in this phase forever 

[sanmagic7]

hey, db,

i think it's a process thing, too.  ef's are more abstract, while flashbacks are less so.  i would guess that you have processed enough that your mind is now able to visualize what had been happening rather than just disrupting your emotions about it.  i think it's a good sign, albeit tough to deal with.  i'm not trying to play that down at all.  i just think that on one level it's a positive thing.

you'll get thru it.  your strength and determination are what brought you to this new phase, and they'll get you going onto the next one.  sending much love and a hug filled w/ conscious clarity.