Stutter - Deep Blue

[Deep Blue]

 

Still done... body memories, headaches... feeling really tired.

Nightmares last nights... oh! And to make matters worse!!! It's the anniversary of the worst night of my abuse this upcoming week.

I'll make it through this year right? I have doubts... more than most years. Last year and the year before it was mostly the nightmares and body memories.

This year it this whole quarantine thing that is adding to things.

Wow I'm such a ball of sunshine 

Ugh ignore me... I don't deserve anyone to care

[woodsgnome]

I'm hearing you, with you, supporting you, sadly understanding the pain that defies reason. While that might be called caring, I think it's way beyond that. Please, I hope this is acceptable, just the simplest but kindest thing I want you to know -- it's symbolized by this --  , and just remember, we're here, okay?

[sanmagic7]

wg's right - we're here with you and for you, db. 

lots of love, my dear.

[Three Roses]

You absolutely DO deserve the care and compassion we feel for you. 

[Snowdrop]

You'll make it through this year, Deep Blue. You do deserve people to care, and we do.

[Not Alone]

You will make it through. We are here for you. You are NOT alone. Post as much as is helpful in helping you through this time. 

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue,
I also wanted to say that you definitely deserve people to care, and I agree with Snowdrop, that we DO care.  I care.  Sending you a hug of support and care, which you totally deserve 
Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Woods gnome,
Your way with words always helps.  I feel warmth when I read what you write.

San,
Thanks... don't leave me k?

3R,
Thanks for all you are. Thanks doe always checking on me. I am glad to have you.

Snowdrop,
Yeah rationally I think to myself... it's just a date. It's not important! It's only important if I assign value to it.  The problem is that I didn't give my emotions and body permission to assign value to it and they have!

Not alone,
Thanks, I feel really whiney lately... and I hate to whine... I guess it's my journal so I can whine as much as I like though... 

Hope,
Thanks for the hug. It's always nice to hear from you. Hope you are doing well.
—————————————————
Weird things trigger me these days.  Dumb stuff honestly.  It seems like it's just a waiting game till the next flashback lately.

Had one watching angry birds 2.  A cartoon!!! Cuz the bird tied up a pig.  It's so stupid and embarrassing not to be in control of my own mind. 

My T is doing emdr with me... well emd.  We are not doing the r right now cuz she thinks it will be too much.  Even during the tapping my mind bucked me into a flashback.  I frantically snapped my eyes open and grounded.

It's such a mess. I'm such a mess...

[Not Alone]

I don't hear you as whiny AT ALL. I hear you are afraid and in pain.

I've had some unusual triggers too, e.g., watching a movie and the barrette in a girl's hair, watching a child chase a pigeon. Although unexpected, those triggers were connected to something that was traumatizing. It makes sense to me that anything regarding being tied up, could be triggering to you. Being a cartoon doesn't negate those pathways in the brain.

As much as possible, I will walk with you in the mess. You are not alone. I care about you, Deep Blue.   

[sanmagic7]

staying right here beside you, my dear db. 

i agree with notalone - doesn't matter if it's cartoon or reality.  those connections are immediate and unstoppable.  i hope they will eventually be resolved.  keep hangin' tough, ok?  we're hangin' right beside you.  sending a hug filled with love and caring and courage.  .    we'll get thru this with you.

[Three Roses]

Ya, I don't hear it as whining either, not even a little.

And it's ok to struggle - it means you're fighting. (still no fun tho.)

You're worth being cared for and valued. You give so much to us!

[Sceal]

You are so brave that are facing this. It is so painful and difficult to deal with all of those flashbacks and the feeling of not being in control of one's own reaction.

I am sending you a big warm virtual hug. And if you want, I have now made myself a blanket fort, you can come join me in the safe space.

[Not Alone]

Deep Blue, thinking of you today. 

[Deep Blue]

Not alone,
Thanks for thinking of me and saying that I'm not whiny.  Yeah you are right, the pathways are there in my brain... it just seems that the volume gets turned up this time of year if that makes sense.

San,
Thanks for the hug... and also the courage. I dunno if it's the numerous flashbacks but I've been feeling really tired lately.  Or maybe I'm just not sleeping enough?? Not sure.

3R,
I like what you said... struggling means I'm fighting.  That does put some wind in my sails.

Sceal,
A blanket fort sounds great.  Should we watch a movie in there together? I'd like that.
—————————————————-
I've been up and down most nights.  If I have chemical help, I'm able to sleep at night.  Not so much without it.

***Trigger warning (nightmares with PA)



Most nights lately I'm getting hit.  Sometimes with a b- sometimes just being hit in general. I wake up really sore as If it is still happening. It's harder to ground when I wake up with the flashback nightmares.  It's just this flooding that's happening at night lately.

***** end trigger warning ****

So yeah feelin really tired lately and just plain tired of struggling 

[Not Alone]

Yeah you are right, the pathways are there in my brain... it just seems that the volume gets turned up this time of year if that makes sense.

Absolutely makes sense.

Most nights lately I'm getting hit.  Sometimes with a b- sometimes just being hit in general. I wake up really sore as If it is still happening. It's harder to ground when I wake up with the flashback nightmares.  It's just this flooding that's happening at night lately.

Deep Blue, when I read this, I felt like I wanted to cover you with my body to protect you. I know no one did that for you when you were little and even now if I were with you IRL, I couldn't protect you from the memories, but that's what I felt so wanted to share that with you.