Stutter - Deep Blue

[Sceal]

 

[Deep Blue]

Well today has been a busy day and more business to come.

I feel lots of guilt lately.... ******* trigger warning***** SH


I've been self harming a lot lately.  One form of my self harm is burning myself with heating pads.  I cover my stomach with them and sleep with them on at night.  It began because I have stomach problems and it eased the pain while I was trying to sleep.  Then I started to keep them on even when I felt my skin burning. It was after months of doing this, that I realized it was another form of self harm.

****** end trigger warning

So yeah, I've been having so many visual flashbacks lately that I feel like I need the control back... a typical trigger.

I asked my T what I was doing wrong. Why am I getting so many of them lately.

She said " I don't know why they are coming either but I do know that CPTSD reaches a point where a persons defense mechanisms no longer work. You no longer have control to push them away".

So yeah... plus it's the holidays. I feel like I'm not making much sense right now so I will try to come back later

[Hope67]

Dear Deep Blue,
Firstly, well done for getting through today - as you mentioned it has been a busy day.  I really hope you are able to get through it ok - and I just wanted to offer you a supportive hug  and tell you that I'm thinking of you.

The holidays are a stressful time - be kind to yourself, if you can. 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for sharing something that is uncomfortable.  just want to let you know i'm sending love and a hug full of compassion and support.  this stuff is terribly difficult to get thru, especially when there's a pile of it at once. 

[Not Alone]

Deep Blue,

Sorry you are having flashbacks. They are awful. I don't think we can control flashbacks coming. Sending you care. 

[Deep Blue]

Doing much better today... I hit a trigger a couple days ago and was sorta out of it for a day or so.

I'm trying to change some of my triggers. One of them is the 12 days of Christmas song... so I taught it to my son.  Another is hockey sticks, so I bought him a hockey stick.

In the past baby powder was a trigger so I used baby powder scented lotion on my son.  So yeah... I'm trying to mesh my son (my whole reason) with some of the triggers... it is my hope that love will conquer them.

[sanmagic7]

i so admire those steps you're taking db.  what a creative way to go thru the fear and turn it into something positive in your life.  wow!  brilliant! 

love and hugs, dear db.

[Snookiebookie2]

Hey Deep Blue

That's fantastic progress.  It's great that you're reclaiming and redefining the significance of these items. You're also minimizing the hold that the past and trauma has on you and your thoughts. Great work x

[Deep Blue]

Thanks San!
I hope it works, thanks for words of affirmation.

Snookiebookie,
I really do believe that all that is good in this world starts with love.

[sanmagic7]

db, i echo your sentiment exactly.  love to you!

[Deep Blue]

That's it, I'm done.

I'm done trying to fight the urges, the doubt... just done.

Happy new year.. I'm beginning it with bad choices

[Not Alone]

Deep Blue,
Please don't hurt yourself. I know it is really hard. I care about you.

[woodsgnome]

Words can't always convey one's deepest feelings. While I wish there was a better way -- I will do what I can, and join my words to those of the others who've posted here -- we care deeply about you, value you as a wonderful person, and hold you in our thoughts even as we tremble from knowing the depths of these feelings.

We only seem distant, because in our hearts we are here, with you. 

[sanmagic7]

 

couldn't have said it better.  love and a caring hug, db.

[Wattlebird]

Sending hugs db