Stutter - Deep Blue

[Snowdrop]

Sending you love and hugs of support.

[Deep Blue]

Not alone,
How did you know? Your words helped me put the breaks on.  Thanks.

Woods gnome,
Thanks... words also can't express how much I needed that. 

I think I'm through the worst of it, I feel like like the fog has lifted just enough to let me see the inner critic was trying to push me to do something I couldn't take back.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Not Alone]

Deep Blue,
I'm glad that you "put the brakes on" and that my words were helpful. Also that the fog has lifted some. Still here. Still care about you. 

[Deep Blue]

Back to work tomorrow.  It's been 2 weeks off and it was very needed.

I'm feeling lots of anxiety about work tomorrow.  I've never been less ready to teach a course than I am about the one I start tomorrow.  It's foreign to me because it's an online shell that I need to create a webpage from.  It's nothing I've ever done before and I'm hoping I don't blow it.

Deep breaths right? What do they say? Even if you fall flat on your face at least you are moving forward?

[Snowdrop]

I hope it goes well at work, Deep Blue.

[Snookiebookie2]

Sending you positive vibes

I always hate returning to work after a break. I totally relate to how you're feeling.   I hope that your day goes well 

[sanmagic7]

 

[Deep Blue]

Feeling my feet under me again,
I think I'm starting to learn the rhythm of the new class I'm teaching.  I'm teaching 3 classes and never the same back to back so my days are hectic to say the least.  Good news is, I'm learning.

Trigger warning* for SI*****




Felt really low, like really really low over the holidays.  Had lots of SI and was was doing lots of SH. 

End Trigger warning ***

I'm feeling better though. Gonna get back into some exposure this week. I am apprehensive but deep down I know that  if I ever want to be rid of some of my triggers I need to do this.

[Snookiebookie2]

Deep blue,

Sounds like things are hard going, but that you're fighting the fight.  Well done you. Life can be tough and you're trying so hard to deal with it.

Try to be kind to yourself and give yourself plenty of self care. Sending you support and hugs 

[sanmagic7]

your warrior spirit is showing!  keep the faith, my dear.  you'll be able to do it.  love and hugs

[Deep Blue]

I'm hurting tonight.  Good news is, I see my T tomorrow.

Trigger warning *** talk of my abuse***


I did a tiny bit of exposure yesterday.  I laid my cheek on the carpet and looked under the bed.  It was a position where I was left, tied ankles to wrists, gag in my mouth.  Left there sometimes up to an hour.

****** end trigger warning****

So I was ok during the exposure.  Just did it for a min or so.  Then I stood up and took a couple steps BAM! Flashback!!! 

I still thought I was ok. I walked downstairs and texted my t that I did it.  Then, boom! Panic attack!!! Took me about 15 minutes to get my composure back.

Today I hate myself. I want to SH. I have not. The sadness hurts in my chest. 

Sometimes the roller coaster is just too much

[Not Alone]

Deep Blue, I have tears in my eyes and wish I could gather you in my arms and comfort you. I am glad you did not SH. You are worthy of care and tenderness.

[Snowdrop]

That sounds really tough. I'm glad you didn't SH. I hope it goes well with your T.

[sanmagic7]

glad you resisted the sh, db.  this stuff is so rough - that sadness sounds profound.  possibly it's for yourself.  i know i'm sad for you that you had to go thru that kind of thing.  it's heartbreaking. 

love you, my dear.  keep fighting the good fight - it will get easier.  and, i agree, you are so deserving of care and tenderness.  i'm so mad at your abuser i could just spit!  sending love and a hug filled w/ comfort and peace.