Stutter - Deep Blue

Deep Blue · January 22, 2020, 12:50:38 AM

Not alone,
Thanks for the gentle words. I ended up giving in and doing a bit of SH anyway. But I didn't last night. So baby steps i guess.

Snowdrop,
Went ok with my t yesterday. I'm ok. Well ok enough

San,
Thanks for being angry for me. Maybe I'll get there one day. I think so many of us on the forum will relate to this... we didn't see our abuse as abuse at the time. It was just our reality. My t and I looked more into the fawn response yesterday too. Some of it holds really true.

Love and hugs to you all

sanmagic7 · January 22, 2020, 05:54:57 AM

baby steps count - we don't have to do leaps and bounds for it to be real progress. doesn't have to be all or nothing - there is so much gray to life and it takes us a while to figure that out - we've too often had to live at the extremes. but, isn't that just surviving?

keep going, my dear. love and hugs filled w/ support and practice living away from the extremes!

Deep Blue · January 24, 2020, 02:07:28 AM

I love that San! Away from the extremes! Just love it!

Tough day with triggers today. Feeling down and like I want to SH tonight. I know better, my t has taught me better, so I'm gonna fight it as best I can.

Gnight all

Not Alone · January 24, 2020, 02:21:08 AM

sanmagic7 · January 24, 2020, 05:09:10 AM

hope you made it thru the day ok today. hang tough, db. sometimes that's all we can do, but sometimes that's really a lot! love and hugs

Blueberry · January 24, 2020, 11:26:15 AM

I know it's been really tough for you recently, Deep Blue. So a little belatedly

Deep Blue · January 24, 2020, 05:46:19 PM

Thanks blueberry,
The hug is very needed.

I'm having a terrible day! Too much trauma being brought up, controversy over a suicide where I teach, I'm in the middle... I want to just walk out.

I'm going to make bad decisions tonight and I don't even care

Snowdrop · January 24, 2020, 06:44:40 PM

I'm sorry it's so tough, Deep Blue. Please take care of yourself.

Hope67 · January 24, 2020, 07:39:48 PM

Dear Deep Blue,
I am very sorry that you're experiencing all of this - and I wish there was something I could do - sending you a gentle hug, if it is helpful - and I want you to know that I care about you. I hope that's not too much. You have so much going on at the moment, it sounds really tough. Stay safe and please take care.

Hope

Not Alone · January 24, 2020, 11:23:19 PM

Sorry it is so awful right now. I care. You deserve care and comfort.

Deep Blue · January 27, 2020, 12:31:58 AM

Notalone, Hope, snowdrop,
Thanks.

I'm still not in a good place. I did exactly what I said I would do the other night.

**** TW alcohol consumption*****

I got really drunk Friday night. Like blackout drunk. I didn't think it would solve my problems but I just wanted to get away from them for a night. Surprise surprise it didn't work. I felt terrible all day yesterday and upset a friend I care about.

******** end trigger warning *****

So I was trying to start my day better today. My poor kid was sick yesterday.... today we took him to minute clinic and found out he has influenza B. So frustrating cuz we all got flu shots.

I feel like the universe is punishing my kid of the bad decisions I made on Friday night. He's so sick and my heart hurts for him... 104 fever at one point.

I feel like a failure all around. As a parent, a wife, a friend.

Not Alone · January 27, 2020, 02:11:12 AM

Deep Blue,
Sorry your son is sick. He is NOT being punished because you got drunk. He is sick because of germs. I hope he feels better soon.

Understand wanting a break from the pain.

woodsgnome · January 27, 2020, 03:01:30 AM

Dear Deep Blue,

I cringed on reading what you wrote: "I feel like a failure all around..." Hurt, yes, and very understandable. This brings on pain and it can be hard to contain what comes when that adds to the mix of rawness already present.

I don't see failure in reacting to that. I see someone reaching for something/anything/someone to make it all feel better.

I don't have the elixir to make it all disappear but I am afforded the chance to share a huge and exclusive

for you.

sanmagic7 · January 27, 2020, 05:45:49 AM

i'm with everyone else here - it all sounds terrible, but you didn't fail anyone, and no one's getting punished for your actions. flu is a horrible illness, but not a punishment. i'm just sorry you're going thru everything - you did what you needed to do to get a break. been there, done that. it helps for a little while, i get it.

hope everything at school gets straightened out - being in the helping professions myself, i understand the stress of what you're going thru. i'd probably want to do something negative, too. sending love and a hug filled w/ care and nurturing for both you and your son.

Deep Blue · January 27, 2020, 11:43:49 PM

Thanks you guys.

Notalone,
My son is feeling much better today. He is bubbly with no fever! Yay! Tamiflu for the win. Thanks for reminding me that I can't help it when he gets sick. I hate things out of my control and my son being ill is outside that area.

Woodsgnome,
Thanks for your hug and your words are always like a soothing balm for me. I can't thank you enough

San,
Thanks for all you are. I went to see my t today. She helped me kinda come out of this funk.

Love u all