Stutter - Deep Blue

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Sceal

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Re: Stutter - Deep Blue
« Reply #30 on: December 22, 2019, 08:45:27 AM »
 :hug:

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Deep Blue

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Re: Stutter - Deep Blue
« Reply #31 on: December 22, 2019, 06:00:48 PM »
Well today has been a busy day and more business to come.

I feel lots of guilt lately.... ******* trigger warning***** SH


Iíve been self harming a lot lately.  One form of my self harm is burning myself with heating pads.  I cover my stomach with them and sleep with them on at night.  It began because I have stomach problems and it eased the pain while I was trying to sleep.  Then I started to keep them on even when I felt my skin burning. It was after months of doing this, that I realized it was another form of self harm.

****** end trigger warning

So yeah, Iíve been having so many visual flashbacks lately that I feel like I need the control back... a typical trigger.

I asked my T what I was doing wrong. Why am I getting so many of them lately.

She said ď I donít know why they are coming either but I do know that CPTSD reaches a point where a persons defense mechanisms no longer work. You no longer have control to push them awayĒ.

So yeah... plus itís the holidays. I feel like Iím not making much sense right now so I will try to come back later

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Hope67

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Re: Stutter - Deep Blue
« Reply #32 on: December 22, 2019, 08:09:34 PM »
Dear Deep Blue,
Firstly, well done for getting through today - as you mentioned it has been a busy day.  I really hope you are able to get through it ok - and I just wanted to offer you a supportive hug  :hug: and tell you that I'm thinking of you.

The holidays are a stressful time - be kind to yourself, if you can. 
Hope  :)

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sanmagic7

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Re: Stutter - Deep Blue
« Reply #33 on: December 23, 2019, 12:31:56 AM »
thanks for sharing something that is uncomfortable.  just want to let you know i'm sending love and a hug full of compassion and support.  this stuff is terribly difficult to get thru, especially when there's a pile of it at once. 

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Not Alone

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Re: Stutter - Deep Blue
« Reply #34 on: December 26, 2019, 04:16:55 AM »
Deep Blue,

Sorry you are having flashbacks. They are awful. I don't think we can control flashbacks coming. Sending you care.  :hug:

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Deep Blue

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Re: Stutter - Deep Blue
« Reply #35 on: December 26, 2019, 11:34:59 PM »
Doing much better today... I hit a trigger a couple days ago and was sorta out of it for a day or so.

Iím trying to change some of my triggers. One of them is the 12 days of Christmas song... so I taught it to my son.  Another is hockey sticks, so I bought him a hockey stick.

In the past baby powder was a trigger so I used baby powder scented lotion on my son.  So yeah... Iím trying to mesh my son (my whole reason) with some of the triggers... it is my hope that love will conquer them.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Stutter - Deep Blue
« Reply #36 on: December 27, 2019, 01:29:40 AM »
i so admire those steps you're taking db.  what a creative way to go thru the fear and turn it into something positive in your life.  wow!  brilliant! 

love and hugs, dear db. :hug:

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Snookiebookie2

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Re: Stutter - Deep Blue
« Reply #37 on: December 27, 2019, 04:19:33 PM »
Hey Deep Blue

That's fantastic progress.  It's great that you're reclaiming and redefining the significance of these items. You're also minimizing the hold that the past and trauma has on you and your thoughts. Great work x

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Deep Blue

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Re: Stutter - Deep Blue
« Reply #38 on: December 28, 2019, 02:10:57 AM »
Thanks San!
I hope it works, thanks for words of affirmation.

Snookiebookie,
I really do believe that all that is good in this world starts with love.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Stutter - Deep Blue
« Reply #39 on: December 28, 2019, 06:00:11 AM »
db, i echo your sentiment exactly.  love to you! :hug:

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Deep Blue

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Re: Stutter - Deep Blue
« Reply #40 on: January 02, 2020, 01:27:03 AM »
Thatís it, Iím done.

Iím done trying to fight the urges, the doubt... just done.

Happy new year.. Iím beginning it with bad choices

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Not Alone

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Re: Stutter - Deep Blue
« Reply #41 on: January 02, 2020, 02:13:46 AM »
Deep Blue,
Please don't hurt yourself. I know it is really hard. I care about you.

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woodsgnome

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Re: Stutter - Deep Blue
« Reply #42 on: January 02, 2020, 03:07:18 AM »
Words can't always convey one's deepest feelings. While I wish there was a better way -- I will do what I can, and join my words to those of the others who've posted here -- we care deeply about you, value you as a wonderful person, and hold you in our thoughts even as we tremble from knowing the depths of these feelings.

We only seem distant, because in our hearts we are here, with you.  :hug:

 

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sanmagic7

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Re: Stutter - Deep Blue
« Reply #43 on: January 02, 2020, 05:46:35 AM »
 :yeahthat:

couldn't have said it better.  love and a caring hug, db. :hug:

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Wattlebird

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Re: Stutter - Deep Blue
« Reply #44 on: January 02, 2020, 10:16:23 AM »
Sending hugs db
 :hug: :hug: :hug: