I feel like I need therapy/counseling... but it's basically my biggest trigger.

[sam145]

I'll elaborate if anyone needs better context, but I'll leave the backstory out for now because I don't have the emotional energy to get into it and still be able to articulate my current frustrations. Basically, I've had multiple bad experiences with therapy/counseling (it really doesn't matter what the title is as long as I'm sitting in an office with a "professional" asking probing questions about my mental health) and now I get emotional flashbacks so severe that I can't have a productive session.

I've tried betterhelp. It helped me a couple years ago when I was trying to come to terms with my newly diagnosed ADHD and autism at the age of 24. Looking back, I just needed someone to listen to me and give me some level of validation because my world had basically been turned upside down and I didn't know if I could trust my own perceptions anymore. Just having someone talk to me about these things like they were normal helped me to feel a bit more grounded.

Now, I'm having a really really rough patch in life. I don't know how to describe it. I don't even know where to start with it. I feel like things have just been building up for a long time and now I'm back at rock bottom with my mental health. I tried betterhelp again a couple months ago and it didn't help. It felt like I was just getting generic advice, and I think I need someone to talk to who really understands what's going on in my life.

I just feel like I'm at a dead-end. Everyone recommends therapy. It's become so popular now that there are memes for it and I can't even blacklist it properly because no one thinks of it as a trigger that they need to tag. I'm just so lost and frustrated, and I feel very alone in this. People understand that therapy is difficult and emotionally draining and sometimes doesn't work on the first try, but they don't seem to understand when I say that it's a trigger for me.

So now the thing that's weighing on me the most is the fact that I have this conflict and I don't know how to solve it. It's a vicious cycle.

[saylor]

Hi Sam,
I'm sorry that you're having a really tough time.
I've noticed that it's very common for therapy to be put forth as the be-all/end-all way to address mental health problems. However, for me personally, dealing with a therapist ended up doing more harm than good (FWIW, I'm not trying to generalize... I realize this may have been a fluke in my case, and I know that many others feel they have benefited from therapy). But even absent a therapist, it's still really good to have someone to talk it out with...
You have us, of course, but might finding an in-person support group interest you, also? The few times I've been able to interact with other sufferers in-person were incredibly helpful. I know it's not always easy to find such a group (e.g., my town doesn't seem to have one, and I might have to start my own), so not sure that would even be an option for you, but I figured I'd mention, just in case.
I hope you'll be able to get the support you need. It so important for all of us who are going through this

[Kizzie]

Hey Sam, sorry therapy has triggered you but I think coming here is a great start for getting that feeling of being understood without being threatened. In addition to posting, maybe use the journal section to write about how you're feeling.

There may also be face-to-face groups in your area, if not for Complex PTSD specifically (not many anywhere right now unfortunately), then for various types of abuse/neglect where members will understand what you're talking about. That's the beauty of these groups, we all get it. 

[arale]

Hi Sam, Sorry to hear that you are going through a really rough patch. Reading your post, a few ideas pop into my mind. I thought I would post them here in case they may be helpful, but, as always, please take whatever resonate with you and ignore the rest.

I was wondering whether you would be able to identify what exactly triggers you in the therapy situation? Is it a professional (presumably cold, distant) asking you probing questions about your mental health? Or is it the generic advice they give you?  On this forum, there's a thread "What Triggers Your EF?s"
https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=57.0

I found it extremely helpful in helping me identify my triggers. I trawled through the immense list that members have put together and put a tick next to the ones that resonated with me. It took much less energy than having to identify my triggers from a blank sheet of paper!

Once your triggers have been identified, you could then look for a therapist / counsellor who would not trigger you. Either avoid the therapists who clearly don't match your criteria, or directly ask them to refrain doing the things that trigger you.

If this doesn't work, your list of triggers can still be useful in helping you choose who you want to talk to.

And if you are not ready to meet people face-to-face, try working things through online by posting, by journaling, as Kizzie suggested. I do love this place. Anonymous yet loving, supportive, and safe.

Warm wishes,

[sam145]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I think an in-person support group would probably be best. I'm just struggling to find the right one. There aren't many options in my area, and I'm very very skeptical of anything even remotely religious (most of this trauma was with Christian counselors).

To elaborate on the triggers, it's a lot of different things. Having a cold, distant professional asking probing questions is definitely part of it. But almost anything surrounding an appointment with a therapist can trigger me now because I've had so many different bad experiences with them. The call to make the appointment, showing up to the building, sitting in the office, having to fill out those sheets where you rate your anxiety on a scale of 1 to 5, the uncertainty of whether this person is taking me seriously or just brushing me off as a crazy person who doesn't know what they're talking about... That's why betterhelp wasn't too bad for me. But it's becoming clearer to me that I do need face-to-face support.

[Kizzie]

Hope you're able to find a group Sam     

[sam145]

There really don't seem to be any good support groups in my area. Just feeling really hopeless.

[Kizzie]

Sorry to hear that Sam.  Perhaps joining another online group would help? There's one I know of that's free called 7 Cups of Tea:

Members can talk in group chats while waiting to speak one-on-one with volunteers called listeners. The group chats, while not heavily moderated, are friendly and supportive. Membership is free, and if you sign up to become a member, the site awards badges to encourage healthy participation as you do different things, like engaging in the forums and chatrooms.

Another is the The CPTSD Foundation which offers free, private groups - https://cptsdfoundation.org/safe-support-groups/. 

[sam145]

Thanks for the recommendations Kizzie. I signed up for 7 cups. It's just really confusing and overwhelming and doesn't advertise a fee until you get to the last step. I just wish I could see the CPTSD Foundation's groups before signing up because it requires me to use facebook, which I never want to use again unless it's absolutely the only option.

[Kizzie]

I didn't realize 7 Cups had a fee, my apologies.  I understand too about Facebook, not something I use either. The only thing I can think of is to consider distance therapy - it might provide enough of a buffer that you don't feel  quite as vulnerable.    

And of course you can always continue to post here    and share with people who get what you went through and are dealing with now