Fear of 'putting people out'/causing them burden

[holidayay]

Venting post: it'll be lengthy and detailed as I find that the advice of 'talking things out in excruciating detail' to really be part of the healing for me. 

I've started to become aware of how much I structure and monitor my behaviour and responses around not putting others out too much.

As far back as my earliest memories, my mother acted as though even the most simplest of requests was a huge catastrophe, a big burden, far beyond any reasonable expectations....and obviously I got conditioned into her responses.

I remember I learnt early not to be upset or have any needs - I was taught quickly to shame and reprimand myself for being pathetic and stupid and weak and 'why can't you be like so and so who NEVER does this and who ALWAYS wins at everything..'. If I felt any negative emotion, I didn't even need her or anyone else to let me know how pathetic and shameful it was for me to have such a reaction, I started to do it to myself from as early as 4 - when I had my first memories anyway.

Its daunting on me now with horror how abnormal and abusive that is. How my wiring is so toxic. How much she and my older siblings reinforced her toxic responses over and over. Growing up, I thought it was cultural differences. The little children around me deserved not to be spoken to like that because they were part of a kind, nice, normal culture. My mum would even react differently to them. But I always had this feeling that I did not deserve to be treated the same as those other kids because I was from a different control - one that was more aggressive, loud, and scary. But it wasn't my culture. It was my family. They shaped my world view. And probably, their parents did the same thing to them, most likely. It was over the most basic things. I was heartbroken when my mum decided to lock us away from the world when I was 10, after my father passed away. I had my friends who now I definitely wasn't allowed to see outside of school because 'socialising is for heathens and whores' (my mum's words) and the religious community we were a part of was deemed 'selfish and hypocrites' for not supporting her more by finding us a house(?!) - her expectations and demands were through the roof and if people fell short, they were deemed selfish heathens.
I lost all my friends in that community and couldn't advance my friendships at school because she would shut down all invitations to parties and social gatherings.
I became terrified of showing i was having fun, or wanted to have fun. She said 'laughing is for sinners' and I felt ...wrong for wanting to have fun. Slowly it felt like only being depressed and miserable was acceptable and safe. I'm too scared even now to get too excited, even though I have plenty to be excited about.

I'm struggling with this because none of it makes sense and yet it was an unspoken norm in my head to: not want anything, not need anything, always show i am depressed as that was acceptable but not too depressed to be needy nor want anything.

Anyway...this is terribly exhausting. I've come to be aware of this since needing some extra time off and support at work - everytime my supervisor arranges a meeting with me or I ask for anything, I am in a state of panic, feeling as though she is about to huff and puff at any minute and see me as adding to her work schedule and burdening her. I become extremely fearful that she will send me irate replies and start to view me as a big burden - I have several meetings with different people lined up to arrange support measures and whereas this is really nice, I'm struggling to contain my conditioned response of having to have it all figured out by myself, and feeling embarrassed and a shame not to have done so, and the scariest thing of all: being told I am nothing but a burden and they want to be rid of me asap in place of someone who was one of those cute children who did deserve support and compassion...not me, the stray dog charity case.