Pain vs. Bitterness

[Phoebes]

It seems the view of my Nm and the way she is apparently speaking of me/smearing me to family members, and the view of other family members who interpret my view of NSm...the interpretation is of how "bitter and resentful" I am. How I can't "forgive."

I know this is probably common. I've spent my entire life forgiving and forgetting, being required to do so by my abusers. I've spent a few years since NC wrapping my head around forgiveness, forgiving but not going to spend time with unremorseful abusers. Spending time and effort on releasing bitterness and anger, and accepting what is.

But just because I stay away, I must harbor resentment and bitterness. The End. Judgement on my character complete.

I'm just frustrated because I feel a LOT of pain. I question maybe I SHOULD or COULD go back with my eyes open. Spend time with Nm realizing she just doesn't get it and never healed herself. I still may. But what keeps me from it is the sheer pain of the gaslighting, lies she told, and the complete and utter lack of remorse or responsibility she has taken. It's all me, and all on me, to forgive and "come home."

The thought just reiterates it's good to stay away, but it is very painful in and of itself, and to realize both sides of the family just think of me as a bitter unforgiving cow sometimes feels too much.

[saylor]

Hi Phoebes,
I was in the same situation with my F until he died. No acknowledgement and definitely no show of remorse on his end. Instead, I was demonized/scapegoated. So unfair, so frustrating.
I was lucky, I guess, in that I had no qualms about completely walking away from that side of the family and never looking back. I had to try to find a way not to care about looking like the bad guy (to my StepM and stepsibling, who didn't witness my beatings back when they were occurring) because my F could twist the story to his favor (apparently, he never volunteered to them the real reason I was NC, which made me look like a heedless brat, I guess), and I wasn't there to defend myself. So be it.
Are there people on your M's side whom you'd still like to be in touch with, and who think badly of you because they believe your M? Or are you mainly concerned about being wrongfully maligned, but otherwise ambivalent about maintaining a relationship? I couldn't tell for sure, but that seems like an important factor in figuring out how to proceed.
I personally found NC to be the only viable course for me, but I know a lot of ppl feel differently. I think I just never developed any sense of family ties, so for me it was like, "whatever, no big loss..." But it did upset me to some degree to be unfairly judged, ESPECIALLY given all the original abuse that had caused the rift in the first place!
At any rate, I'm very sorry you've been dealing with all this pain. It's totally understandable. We're here for you 
PS, regarding your "not forgiving" her being interpreted as bitterness (hence the dismissive attitudes of your family), how can forgiveness occur in the absence of acknowledgement on the perpetrator's end? In my mind, that's not possible. It's not on you to forgive your M, if she can't accept her own role in how things have turned out

[Phoebes]

Hi, Saylor,

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I think for me, the main issue is I live alone, work from home, and have very little support system. I feel like I tried for years to "work on", "mend", "boost", the relationship with both parents and their spouses/crazy lovers/etc, and come to realize, the abuse was not 50/50, it was 0/100. I tried SO hard, loving these people who didn't love me back. Was conditioned to do so in all of my other relationships, sabotaging me.

I think it's just painful that I suffered and am still the one suffering. I pretty much have accepted people are allowed to think what they want, I can't control that, and what does it matter. But when I start feeling lonely, the misjudgment, scapegoating and gaslighting starts to get to me.

I guess it's just hard this time of year as much as I go into it with clear eyes. Like right now I'm about to go to my niece's christmas performances and I am pretty sure I will see family there- for the first time in 5 years- and I'm feeling anxious about it.

[saylor]

That is very sad, Phoebes. We often end up so isolated, which is painful, since we as humans need love and connection. I feel for you.
For what it's worth, I also applaud you for going to your niece's performance, despite the likelihood that there will be yet more family-associated pain. I don't think I'd be strong enough.
I hope things go reasonably well. Please take good care of yourself and let us know how it went

[Phoebes]

Thank you, Saylor,
I feel bad I have missed many functions out of avoiding Nm. I refuse to miss their functions anymore. She's just going to have to deal, and so am I. I am extremely anxious about it though and don't know how it will go.

Thank you for the support! 

[Kizzie]

 

the abuse was not 50/50, it was 0/100. I tried SO hard, loving these people who didn't love me back.

Hang onto this and maybe let some anger about their misjudgment, scapegoating and gaslighting rise to the surface to help counterbalance the anxiety and pain Phoebes.  You deserve to enjoy your nieces performances so give that to yourself as a lovely Christmas present 

[Phoebes]

Thank you, Kizzie-I just keep thinking of her and her innocence. I want so badly for her to overcome the family legacy and have confidence and be successful. I hope having support can at least play a small part in that. I feel like it's already a strain on the kids that I am never around when grandparents are.

[Kizzie]

There's quite a bit of research confirming that even one grounded, loving, caring adult can mitigate the effects of trauma and foster resiliency in children so being that one person can make a big difference.