My mothers emotional abuse **Trigger Warning**

[Northman]

My written English is not that good because it`s my second languish 

This is a little bit about what I experienced.

Some background info about my familystructure:
The first 3 years of my life I lived with only my mother and I didn`t have any contact with my biological father before I was 21. Beside that my family consisted of my mothers brother and his wife and my grandmother. My grandmother was a woman with a lot of anxiety using valium daily after being in an abusive relationship with my mother and uncles father. She divorced him when my mother was 8 and my uncle 11 after he tried to struggle her and she found out that he was regularly beating my uncle.
My mother was hit by a truck when she was 6 and had to amputate a leg so she is disabled. After that according to my uncle my grandmother did everything for her out of guilt. He also said that my grandfather never really care about her enough to beat her or pay any attention to her. 
When I was 3 my mother meet my adoptive father and they had my sister when I was 8. My adoptive fathers mother was an alcoholic and his father was bipolar with psychosis. His sister uses a lot of drugs and is also bipolar with psychosis. I don`t know much about my adopted father really. He never talk about himself much, but his mother told me a lot about how kind he was as a child standing up for her, helping her and telling his father not to beat her.

My experiences mother:
The 3 first years of my life I lived only with my mother. I have very few memories of these 3 first years. I have a few I don`t know if is real or not. About my mothers anger and she force feeding me food when I didnt want to eat and stuff. She have also told me she used to lock us in the bathroom and turn of the light when I cried so that the neighbors would`t believe she was violent. 

From when I was a little older I remember being very scared of her and tried to act in ways that would not make her angry. She would get angry for everything. She had circles of abuse starting with anger, screaming, blaming, and then crying, then telling med she was only that way because she loved me with a kinder voice. Then if I did not agree it would start over again and again. She would say that she had always know I was born evil, a monster, that she could see in my eyes that I had only contempt for her and that there was no point i lying because knew me so well she always knew my inner secrets. If I did not give up the fight (I fought a lot). She would lock me in my room until I  was ready to apologize and say that she was right and I was bad and only did things to hurt her.   

When I was around 6 years old I just wanted her to die, get killed and I hated her so much. I was so angry. This was a very scary and confusing experience. It also make me feel that she was right about me being a monster and evil.

One thing that really freaked me out about her was that I could see her face change, her eyes would go darker when she screamed and sometimes her voice would change into a small girl voice when she cried. She could role around on the floor saying that I was killing her and hurting her when I got angry at her for saying things that was wrong. She would also deny ever being angry at me and considered herself a happy person.

I tried to tell a lot of people about my mothers way of being. I told the school, the rest of my family, my friends and any other grown up I could tell. My mother responded to that by saying I have schizophrenia, a story she is still telling people. According to her me, my sister and my uncle has the same familiar disorder. And we are plotting to ruin her life together. Now I`m seeing it as a part of her mental illness. But when I was younger it made me terrified: She took me to doctors, I I have been investigated for it 3 times for it. None of them found any sighs of psychosis and no one did anything about my situation. I went to a psychologist for most of my youth that over and over asked me if I was sexually abused, but could not believe the things I told about my mother because she seemed nice the one time she met her
.
I still struggle with the feeling of finally tipping over the edge and going insane or psychotic. That intense feeling about it finally happening.

My mother was jealous and suspicious of every person I had a better relationship with, my grandmother who I loved so intensely I just wanted to live with her, my friends, my therapist, my uncle and aunt, my sister, my teachers, my girlfriends etc. She would always try to make sure I knew that I was not safe with them. Say that adult talk together in ways children did not understand. That I could not trust what they told be because they could be lying etc. This * me up bad.

I moved out when I was 18 after working for 2 years 60% while finishing high school. My mother wanted me to work because I needed to learn the hardship of life and I was a to big of an cost to not contribute. My parents at that time had a villa, 2 cars, a summerhouse by the sea and a winter cabin in the mountains at a ski resort. They are richer than I will ever be. before I moved out I made my uncle and aunt promise me they would look after my little sister. I was not allowed to be alone with my little sister for mounts at a time. That was awful and I have since she was born when I was 8 tried to convince my father that he needed to at least get her out of there. But he did`t. He is way to depended on her. My sister dealt with everything very different, I`m a lot of fight, she is a lot of flight. (of course we all do all 3).  I got her out with my uncle and aunt when she was 16th and she is struggling a lot more than me in many ways with work, education, relationships etc. One of my biggest hurts is that I could not save her.

I did cut the contact with my parents when I was 23 years and have not talk to them since. That is the best choice I have made.

It took me some time understanding that what I struggle with is CPTSD. I did not think what happen to me was bad before I saw it happen to my sister. I struggle with all the parts of CPTDS, but I`m also happy I have been able to do a lot of things. I`m happy that I have income and education, that I have a fantastic wife who work in children services and know what trauma do to people, that I have found a grate therapist who help me stitch things back together and that I have grate friends.

[arale]

Dear Northman,

Thank you for sharing your heartwrenching story. Your story is heartwrenching and yet totally so familiar. I want to imagine you surrounded by your own loving family and having a successful life - the kind of happy endings we all want!

It's terrible what the adults did to you. Your story made me feel that I wasn't too crazy when I was 8: I wanted to kill myself by throwing myself out of the 12-storey building, but only after having left a nasty suicide note to my mum, telling her how much I hated her, so that she would regret for the rest of her life!

Your mum told you that you were an evil monster. My mum told me that her life would have been so much better if I weren't born. No wonder we grew up hating ourselves so much!

Cutting off contact with one's parents can be so important, but it's so stigmatizing! We get so little support from our family and friends or the society for doing that. What about your sister? Has she cut off contact with your parents? I do hope that, she, too, would be able to find a new loving family and friends to allow her to heal and to grow.

Thank you for sharing your story and your courage. It gives me hope. AND Your English is perfectly understandable.

Warm wishes,

[Northman]

Thank you for your reply. I think it so sad that this happen to you to. I think that this kind of mothers are overlooked as abusers in culture * general and that the knowledge of them are lacking.

When dealing with draining persistent abuse they push you to the point were murder or suicide feel like the only way out. In a way as an adult it makes total sense. You can\t leave because no one believes you or are willing to do whats necessary. I felt caught, I had no were to go when I was 8. Murder seemed like a way to get away and punish her for being mean to me. I also had a times were I considered killing my self and I also think about it sometimes now, but mostly when I get the feeling I`m evil and crazy. I don`t want to do to others what was done to me. Sometimes also when I feel broken and totally destroyed like there is no point in moving forward because she will always be the one that made me and * me up. Like she still owns my body, life and being and I can`t escape it. That she is inside me.

My sister moved out when she was 16 and into my uncle and aunt. She tried to have some contact with her father in the beginning (the first 6mnd), but he only tried to make her come home and "forget the foolishness". So she cut him out to. It was very painful for her. I never had a good relationship with him. He used to pay me a lot of money to keep the peace when on holiday and come crying or sad when my mother was mean to him. So that we could be victims "together". I thought/yelled he was weak because he didn`t leave and protect us. I also told my mother that he also thought she was crazy and everything he said about her. So when I was in my teens I was pretty mean to him and started to agree with my mothers view om me and be mean to me too. I think he gave up the alliance. I`m grateful that he before that a couple of times talked about her as mentally ill and that I was right, it help with keeping the idea that something was very wrong with her.

My sister and him was victims together. I think she still love him and miss him. And I think for her his betray was the worst in may ways. She gave him a chance to leave with her when she moved to my uncle and aunt.

Me and my sister talk to my my uncle and aunt, but we are not really very close with them. I think it`s very hard for them to see us so messed up, and they can`t really deal with it. My sister have some friends, but she reject a lot and very harshly.  A lot more than I have ever done. I have always had a lot of friends, hobbies outside my home. I was good at school etc.

I`m not looking for a perfect family or a successful life. Just average. I want to not pas it on. To be good enough. It`s hard to find a realistic idea about what is possible I think. Especially when all of my emotional parts are raging in my head, the flashbacks and the nightmares. And the shame, the paranioa, hyperactivity and the rest. I`m glad I don`t have all the * going on inside on the outside. I think that is how I cope

[Not Alone]

Northman,

I wanted you to know that I read your post. I'm at a loss for words. Your childhood was absolutely horrendous. Thank you for sharing. Glad you are posting on OOTS to receive support.