Here it goes (Trigger Warning)

[Sea]

It feels strange to sum up the experience that led me here because its been such a long, confusing blur and I am still making sense of it so please forgive the length.

I am 23 and I grew up with two siblings, one younger & one older, an invasive mother and a father who was always gone for long periods & only present to play the role of authoritarian as well as a number of cousins, family friends, aunts & uncles who came in and out of our home for varying time periods as our extended family is incredibly enmeshed. My brother (older) is abusive & was constantly enabled by my parents. My sister (younger) was sexually abused by a family member when we were all very young & had the courage to tell the truth (even though most everyone else would have preferred she stay silent). I was caught in the middle trying to protect myself, my sister, and my younger cousins from the corrupt structure we called family. There were plenty of unspoken rules, a set (and sexist) hierarchy, an imbalance of boundaries and responsibility, as well as an expectation of duty to the family. We each had our role and mine was often the scapegoat. My life at home was a mess of lies, power struggles, manipulation, neglect, abuse, gas lighting, etc all in the name of "love for/protection of the family". My contact with and relationship to the outside world was heavily controlled, monitored, and sabotaged by members of my family so it was challenging to form and maintain any true and trusting relationships. My mom (more than anyone else) controlled and manipulated my public image as well as my image of the public which kept me from feeling safe in our small town, but I was lucky enough to find a few people who could see through her facade well enough to know me in a real way.

The only one I was actually able to maintain a close relationship with eventually took on a similar role in my life. After escaping my family by going to college I didn't want to conform to her rules for me any longer. So she turned to my family, my old and new community, and spread damning lies about me. Her story lined up with an image of me built up by members of my family and since I was closer to this friend than literally anyone else it was easy for many people to believe her without question. This sent me spiraling but I couldn't understand what was happening to me and my therapists at the time were no real help. I fell back on a few friends who were present at the time to see the reality behind her story. Eventually I was dating and living with one of them and he became physically, emotionally/mentally, and sexually abusive towards me. I wanted to leave but I didn't have anyone else. One night he abused me while my sister was present and that was it, I kicked him out, dropped out of school, committed myself to healing, and promised myself never again. I was so free and peaceful until i realized I couldn't afford my apartment (or any other) alone.

I was broken, defeated, and alone so i mistakenly turned to my family and my brother moved in with me (my sister was too young). He was immediately abusive, refusing to pay bills or rent, trashing the place, putting holes in the walls, threatening me, etc. Luckily for me I had met my current boyfriend by then and he offered me space in his families home. I was afraid to trust him but this was a blessing for me. Once living with his family I really dove into the process of self healing but I still didn't understand what exactly I needed to heal. symptoms started to get worse as this new family environment (although very different from what I was used to) was incredibly triggering for me. It took two whole years of worsening symptoms for me to realize I was suffering from cPTSD. Once I did I was grateful because knowing gave me clarity.

This year has been difficult as I work with my new therapist to unravel my past to understand my present but I am leaning and growing. I am happy to have found people who can understand this sort of journey. It is a challenge to submit my story but I thank you for the space to share.

[Not Alone]

Sea,
Want you to know that I read your post. Although very difficult, glad that you are in therapy and working to understand and heal from your past.

Welcome. 

[Snowdrop]

Hello Sea.

I'm sorry those things happened to you, but I'm glad that you found us.

[stellajames]

So many dysfunctional families are completely wrapped up in secrets and lies, putting on a whopping "We're okay" lie to the rest of the world, and so many children are caught up in the middle, threatened or not believed when speaking the truth. Many siblings continue the lies and abuse. I'm so happy you got away from them and into a caring home.

I, too, picked abusive boyfriends over and over, because abuse was my norm. But I got lucky somehow, as did you, and found someone good. I'm very close to all my family other than my father and an uncle (both passed). I'm so grateful. Still very messed up, however, and it all came crashing out of me this past year, I was very mentally ill. I'm better now, and this site is helping me continue to grow out of that shame and guilt and into the light.

You're going to be okay and so am I.

[Sea]

Thanks so much for the warm welcome and positive words. I am learning just how much support and understanding can make a positive impact on healing and growing. I am forever grateful to all those who add this kind of love and compassion to my journey.

So many dysfunctional families are completely wrapped up in secrets and lies, putting on a whopping "We're okay" lie to the rest of the world, and so many children are caught up in the middle, threatened or not believed when speaking the truth. Many siblings continue the lies and abuse. I'm so happy you got away from them and into a caring home.

I, too, picked abusive boyfriends over and over, because abuse was my norm. But I got lucky somehow, as did you, and found someone good. I'm very close to all my family other than my father and an uncle (both passed). I'm so grateful. Still very messed up, however, and it all came crashing out of me this past year, I was very mentally ill. I'm better now, and this site is helping me continue to grow out of that shame and guilt and into the light.

You're going to be okay and so am I.

I relate so much to what you said and I appreciate your openness as it definitely helps me to feel less alone in this sort of struggle. You are so right, I did get lucky! I often reflect on the happenstance of meeting my boyfriend and how much it did to change my life. I am learning more and more about attachment styles through therapy and how they can be shifted from non-secure to secure through healthy relationships. although I still have plenty of room to grow, this is what that relationship has done for me more than anything. The impact such a shift can make in developing feelings of security, confidence, and trust is honestly surprising. I think your'e spot on, we are going to be okay and I think much of it will be accomplished through that sort of connection and understanding, and that is a big part of why I am relieved to have found a community such as this one.