In a Bad Place ***Trigger Warning-SH****

Not Alone · December 17, 2019, 01:06:57 AM

I don't think I can make sense in this post. My head is all over. The Littles are confused and distraught. This is the first time in about seven hours that I've come out from being buried in a blanket.

Late Wednesday night, Hope (5 yrs.) emailed T. She had the tough session the Monday before and needed reassurance that he was there and that he cared. A couple more things, but that was the main part. He did not respond, which has happened on a couple of occasions.

Today in session, T said he didn't respond to Hope's email (truthfully, I don't know if I can get this right because my head is whirling with thoughts of rejection and abandonment) because he wanted me, adult NotAlone, to remind her that he cared. Also something about not wanting to encourage the Littles to be out when not in therapy.

I retreated into a whirlwind of panic and feeling like I needed to get out. I didn't talk. Could barely talk when he asked a question. There is so much here: past therapists who abandoned, present T's reassurances that it was okay to email him and all my doubts/fears about that. Hope not understanding what she did wrong. (She's crying now.)

He asked me who was mostly present. I don't know. It wasn't one of the three who usually come to therapy.

*****TW -/SH********************************************************************************************************************
Once I was home, did some SH. Haven't done that in decades. Don't feel shame or guilt, only wish I had cut deeper.*******************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
end TW

Spent several hours on the bathroom floor. Then several hours on my bed. Asked my daughter to make dinner. I have nothing in me to be mom or wife or anything else. I can't go on, but I have no choice because I am a mother.

Dinner is ready. Will try to eat with the family. Don't know if I can do it.

Not Alone · December 17, 2019, 01:43:45 AM

Sadly, the previous post was my 1,000th. After 1000 posts you would think I'd be further along. Too bad it wasn't writing about a victory.

I did eat with family and acted like a normal person.

In session, T said we need a plan to get through the day. He said some things. I said I have a plan. He asked if I was going to self-harm. I said I didn't know. (That was a truthful answer.) He said then he needed to break confidentiality and contact someone. I asked who and he said my husband. I said NO. He said the only way he wouldn't do that would be if I contacted my friends. I sent them a text while in his office telling them I was having a hard time. At T request, added, "can we connect?" T had stated that husband was down as contact person. I need to change that. If I'm in trouble, the last thing I need it to take care of my husband. Yes, that's what it would be. I'm not sure what this all means now that I have SH. Of course T doesn't know that right now.

I feel like I'm really rambling. I am feeling so scared, angry, confused, hurt. Different relationships, words, situations are crashing into each, like a demolition derby in my head.

Before I left my session, my T told me to email him so he knew I was safe. I said, "You told me not to email." T: "That's not what I said. You can email as much as you want. I just won't be as responsive."

I feel thrown away.

sanmagic7 · December 17, 2019, 05:28:32 AM

i'm here to catch you - you're not thrown away. we're with you, notalone.

so very sorry you're struggling so badly. i hate that this happens. i know that demolition derby. hang tough - it will eventually smooth itself out.

in the meantime, you aren't alone. sending love and a hug filled with strength

Snowdrop · December 17, 2019, 06:21:35 AM

I've just read your posts. Oh notalone, I'm so sorry this has happened. I understand your feelings and those of your Littles.

I wish your T had explained earlier that he might not reply, and his reasons for this. Hope made a huge breakthrough, and I understand her needing reassurances which she thought she'd get. Please tell Hope that she did nothing wrong. I'm so proud of her for what she did during that session.

Are you able to see any of your friends today? Is there anything you can do today to comfort yourself and the Littles?

Here for you, notalone, and sending you love, hugs and tons of support.

Hope67 · December 17, 2019, 01:27:28 PM

Dear Notalone, I am so sorry to hear what happened, and I wanted to extend a heartfelt hug, if that is helpful right now -

Both to you, notalone, and to brave 5 year old Hope - who hasn't done anything wrong, and is very brave indeed. I hope that nothing I say here is triggering for you or your Littles, as I know you're feeling lots of things at the moment, and it may be quite over-whelming, so I really wish that you get some peace and calm, if that feels like a good feeling, and that you are ok.
Hope

Blueberry · December 17, 2019, 01:30:22 PM

I have been roughly where you are and your Littles are now. I'm sending love and

and lots of good OOTS energy

That bit about your 1000th post is your ICr speaking. I'm over 5000 now and am still not cptsd-free. Other parts of your Adult know how it goes: 2 steps forward, 1 step back and then onwards to greater healing.

Not Alone · December 18, 2019, 02:22:00 AM

I want to reply to each of you, but just not able to right now. Please know that your words and care is helping me to come up for air in the middle of drowning.

Worked a split shift today. Sat with client, smiling and interacting, while my stomach felt like it had been punched and my head felt like it was full of a hive of bees. Felt like, "I can't do this," but made it through. Took a xanax between clients. Have never done that before because I want to make sure I'm focused. Today it seemed like the best option.

I have a ten hour work day tomorrow (including commute). How am I going to do that? I can't breathe.

On Friday family goes to my childhood home town to celebrate Christmas with relatives. Abusers are all dead, but just being in the town is triggering and in the state I'm in. . . .

There's more, but will stop for now.

Thank you so much for understanding and caring.

Snowdrop · December 18, 2019, 07:10:13 AM

I'm sending you an invisible blanket to help you feel safe and comforted. It's soft and warm, and is the perfect weight to be of comfort to you. You and your Littles can feel its presence when it's wrapped around your shoulders, but nobody else can see it. You can wear it day and night, whenever you want, and noone except you will know that it's there.

Bach · December 18, 2019, 09:41:50 AM

Dear notalone, I'm sorry things are so hard right now. I stand with you, and send love and support for all you have to do, strength and energy for continuing the effort, safe gentle hugs for comfort, and hopes and good wishes for the best possible circumstances for your upcoming travels and visits

sanmagic7 · December 18, 2019, 01:02:11 PM

sweetie, we're all with you when you go to your holiday happening. if you can picture us being there, know that you have our care and support, maybe that will help. it helped me when i had to leave mex. 2 yrs. ago. we were stuck at the border, and i was so nervous that we were going to get checked (i had my meds w/ me, the prescriptions weren't all up to date, so i was essentially smuggling drugs - i was terrified), but i imagined people from here, about a dozen of them, walking with the car as it made its slow progress to the border, and it gave me the strength to say what i needed to say to the border guard. we passed right thru, thank heaven, but i would've been a blubbering mess w/o that image of everyone being with me.

i hope you can lean on us as you drive into that state, be in that city. we'll be there.

i know about xanax days, too. sometimes it's the only answer. sending love and a hug filled w/ strength and support.

Deep Blue · December 18, 2019, 04:45:18 PM

Sending you some love and support honey. I feel terrible that this happened and now that you have an additional trigger around the bend.

The tough thing is that when our littles are triggered.... so are we... it's that simple.

Nothing but love and support

MoonBeam · December 19, 2019, 01:03:27 AM

NotAlone, I'm with you too. Holding you in my heart.

Not Alone · December 19, 2019, 08:39:23 PM

Sanmagic, Snowdrop, Hope, Blueberry, Bach, Deep Blue, MoonBeam:

At a time when I was feeling rejected and very alone, your words and care brought me to tears. Your support is highly meaningful to me. Snowdrop, throughout my long work day yesterday, I thought of your blanket and received comfort from it. I will bring it with me when I travel to hometown of FOO tomorrow. San, I will also think of all of you travelling with me.

Early this morning, I wrote down my thoughts and reactions regarding my T saying he won't be as responsive to my emails. Part of me does not want to be that vulnerable, but I am considering the care and trust in the relationship over the last 19 months. Right now plan on reading it to him in Monday's session. With how I am feeling and going to hometown, these are going to be a long 4 days.

I did text friends for support. I met with one this morning. Told her what happened and even told her that I have DID. She was understanding and caring. It helped to see her and now another person has a fuller understanding of my life.

So incredibly grateful for your support!!

Not Alone · December 23, 2019, 12:24:12 AM

I am back home from my trip to hometown that I grew up in. On the way into town, I laid on the backseat with a IRL blanket over my head, Snowdrop's invisible blanket over me, and the vision of all of you with me. I took xanax throughout the weekend, as needed. The actual time with family members was enjoyable.

Tomorrow is my therapy session and I am really scared. This has been an incredibly difficult week. My plan is to read what I wrote regarding my thoughts of therapist saying he wouldn't respond to my emails like he used to. What if my feelings of rejection and of being thrown away stay the same or even get worse? What if five-year-old Hope feels even more blamed? I don't know how I got through last week. I need relief.

sanmagic7 · December 23, 2019, 12:36:08 AM

i'm so with you on wanting relief from all this. i'm glad you got thru the week, and hope all goes well w/ your t. just so you know, you are not rejected here, and we would never throw you away. you are too valuable and important, whether you realize it or not. you are so precious, notalone. we're with you. love and hugs filled w/ community