In a Bad Place ***Trigger Warning-SH****

[Kizzie]

I hope the session goes well Notalone. Even feeling you can/will tell your T your real feelings when Hope is still afraid is such progress - maybe hard to see but that's what I thought when I read your post. 

Part of me does not want to be that vulnerable, but I am considering the care and trust in the relationship over the last 19 months.

... and now you have had these positive experiences to help balance Hope's fear. 

I did text friends for support. I met with one this morning. Told her what happened and even told her that I have DID. She was understanding and caring. It helped to see her and now another person has a fuller understanding of my life.

and

The actual time with family members was enjoyable.

[Not Alone]

Thanks San & Kizzie and all who continue to support me.

A few days ago, I wrote down my thoughts and feelings about my therapist no longer willing to respond to my emails. I read it to him in session today.  I am so overwhelmed and the fog in my head is spinning so fast, I just sat here for several minutes unable to think or create a sentence. Things are no better. I just sat here frozen for 15-20 minutes. Maybe will try and write later.

[MoonBeam]

NotAlone. So much love to you.

I totally and completely understand where you are. I want to say there is so much wisdom, strength and love in you and it belongs to you, it is you, all of you. Things are so hard right now. I will stay near and just breathe with you if its ok, just sit near and hold peace for you as long as you need.   

[Kizzie]

FWIW I think it was incredibly brave to read what you wrote to your T and completely  understandable that you froze and are feeling overwhelmed.  It's the worst possible fear to be abandoned/  rejected and yet you did it.     

[sanmagic7]

notalone, i echo mb and kizzie - what a courageous thing to do.  i'm with you, too, you're in my heart.  sending lovelovelove to you and a hug filled w/ continuing strength and determination.  it has gotten you so far - you're amazing.

[Not Alone]

MoonBeam, Kizzie, San, and all:

Thank you for your continued love and support. MoonBeam, thinking of you breathing with me. For the last 10 days my breaths have been short and shallow. Trying to remember to take deep breaths. All of you understanding helps me to feel like I'm not alone.

I had a marriage therapy session (different therapist) on the same evening that I had my individual session. Our therapist asked me how I was. I've been in so much pain and distress, that the dam broke. I told about the issues with my therapist, words tumbled out about five-year-old part, and on and on. Up until this point neither marriage therapist nor my husband knew about my DID. Our marriage therapist is trauma informed and he calmly and briefly explained things to my husband as different information gushed out of my mouth. He has worked with clients with complex trauma and DID, so none of this was new or unknown to him.

My plan had been to get to know our marriage therapist better (this was our 3rd session with him), then see him alone to tell him about DID, then have him tell husband. Obviously, things didn't go according to plan. My husband reacted in a positive and supportive way to all this. It is a relief to me that husband knows. It has been a big thing to keep secret. Also, good to know that marriage therapist understands.

Still having a real hard time. Took xanax today when the bees started buzzing around inside my head. I don't know how the issue with my individual therapist will be resolved. I also don't know if what I am hearing/understanding from my T is accurate or what is being interpreted through the veil of abandonment.

[Snowdrop]

I know it wasn't what you planned, but I can imagine what a relief it must be that your husband knows. I'm glad he reacted in such a positive and supportive way.

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. Sending you much love and support.

[Blueberry]

Sending support, notalone.   

[sanmagic7]

sometimes these unplanned events can work out well - been there myself several times.  i'm just so glad for you that you're feeling some relief.  step by step, my dear.  love and hugs

[MoonBeam]

NotAlone, I'm still with you, holding space for you. Thank you for continuing to show up here and let us know how you are. I'm glad things went the way they did with marriage therapy. Agreed, it wasn't what was planned, but sounds like it unfolded in just the way it needed to. So glad you have that understanding and support from H now and marriage T.

Not too long ago you reached out to me to support me through what felt like a major rupture in my relationship with my T--who has been a lifeline the last year and half for me. I couldn't even talk about it, it was so scary. Our relationship shifted--no contact between sessions among other things.  All the ICr and abandonment stuff kicked in. We got through it though and I feel even stronger in our relationship after the fact. More trust, more understanding. It took weeks to work it out, but safe attachment is one of the biggest hurdles for me in my recovery. It was and continues to be an amazing opportunity for me to learn. I'm not sure how i stuck with it, when my whole MO is to bail at the slightest hint of trouble, but she had really been there for me and I believed that she still cared even though a shift needed to happen.

I hope this is the case for you NotAlone. Shifts and adjustments don't have to mean we're being left, or that there's anything wrong with us. That is the old paradigm. You will get to choose what feels right for you moving forward in your relationship with your T. I spent a good amount of time assessing if I wanted to continue working with my T through our process, so it was up to me too, I realized with my grown up eyes.

Thinking of you NotAlone and E and Hope and all parts of you. My heart is with you.

[Bach]

Dearest notalone, I'm so glad your husband is understanding and supportive. What an incredible relief it must be to not have to hold all the anxiety of wanting to tell but being afraid to. Although it must have been scary to have it all pour out that way, sometimes it happens like that because that's how you need it to. It's such a huge step!

The B's and I are thinking of you and sending love and hugs

[Not Alone]

Snowdrop, Blueberry, San, MoonBeam, Bach, and All:

In the middle of feeling the brick of abandonment in my stomach and the whirling in my head, your support is incredibly meaningful to me. Unfortunately, I also have the nagging thought: "You keep going on and on about this. You are going to be too much for these people too." 

MoonBeam, thank you for sharing about your experience with your T. It sounds very similar. I also am holding on, hoping things can be worked out, although I don't see a way out. I guess I still believe his care for me, but the feeling of being sucked down into a deep dark hole is huge. The thoughts bombarding me:

He said it was okay to email him. I believed him. I fought the thoughts that I was a burden. Now it isn't okay to email. I was right. I am a burden.
I'm too much.
I need too much.
He lied.
I am being thrown away.
From Hope: I must have done something really bad. Was I bad to cut up the picture of the belt? Bad to make a big deal of it? Bad to email T? Bad to ask
      for his care?
He knows so many dark secrets about us and now he doesn't want us anymore.
Is he going to tell us to go away completely and stop seeing him?

I try to remember what he said in the two sessions that we've talked about this, but either my mind is blank, or I hear/remember, "You need too much." I do remember him saying that Hope didn't do anything wrong. Those seem like empty words to me. She cut up the belt, emailed him three days later, and at the next session he said he wouldn't respond to emails.

Decades ago, I had therapists walk away because I needed too much. Those are simple words to very complex situations, but it is the bottom line of why they left. My current T knows about those situations. Besides childhood abandonment, add therapists abandonment to the complexity of this situation.

I'm sorry that I keep going on and on about this. I feel thrown away, lost and afraid.

[sanmagic7]

we're with you, not throwing you away.

sweetie, i can't tell you how many times i've gone on and on about the same thing here, also kind of waiting for someone here to tell me enough is enough.  i never heard it, and i won't say it to you, either.  this stuff sucks, it keeps affecting us, keeps coming at us, and we do our best to keep on going in life in spite of it.  you are not too much for us here - many of us have been where you are.  i used to say that i had to talk it to death, meaning that i had to keep talking about it until it finally went away, died of natural causes.  keep talking about it, keep getting it out, please.  i'm just glad you have a place to do so.

i don't know why your t changed his mind about the email thing.   i don't understand why he didn't explain such an abrupt change to you in a way that let you know it's not your fault.  in fact, it may be all on him.  he may not be suited for dealing w/ someone who's been traumatized, had DID, but that's not your issue at all.  too many t's don't have the knowledge or experience for working w/ traumatized people.  unfortunately, the client is the one who gets hurt.

as a t myself, may i tell you that the client is never the burden, never at fault for a t's actions.  never.  instead of you being too much for him, it may very well be that he's too little for you.  that's why some t's will refer clients to a therapist who is better versed in the area of trauma or whatever the issue might be.  but, it's never the client's fault, this has not been your fault.  since hope was the one who emailed him, he might have realized he just doesn't have the knowledge/experience to work w/ someone's parts.   c-ptsd is a mighty beast, and neediness is a great part of it.  hopefully, he can get his (*Y( together and do what's appropriate for you and your issues.

my heart goes out to you, notalone.  you are not a burden, either here or in a t's office.  nope, not ever.  sending love and a hug filled w/ acceptance and caring for you and all your parts.

[Hope67]

Dear Notalone,
I think it's good that you come here and talk to us about what is going on - these things are all important, and so are you.  I'm sorry that you feel thrown away, lost and afraid, and I really wish there was something that could help you to feel better.  I know you have lots of thoughts bombarding you, but I hope that you can find some way of shielding yourself from the impact of those thoughts - they are purely thoughts, they cannot physically hurt you, but I know they can emotionally impact, and that's not nice.

Sending you a gentle hug of support and hoping that you will know that we are supporting you 

When I read through what you wrote, I felt different parts of myself reacting to things you'd said, and I felt huge support for you from many of my parts - I relate to things you've said, and I wish there was more I could say - but words fail me at this time.

Take care,
Hope 

[Not Alone]

Hope, your words are precious and brought tears to my eyes, feeling your care for me. 

San, I appreciate what you wrote. I feel like your "mama Bear" was coming out, speaking words of protection for me and that is comforting. My T is trauma informed and has over 20 years of experience working with people with cPTSD and DID. I don't understand why he didn't explain the abrupt change in a more gentle way.

as a t myself, may i tell you that the client is never the burden, never at fault for a t's actions.  never.  . . . . . . but, it's never the client's fault, this has not been your fault.  . . . . .  .. .  .

my heart goes out to you, notalone.  you are not a burden, either here or in a t's office.  nope, not ever.  sending love and a hug filled w/ acceptance and caring for you and all your parts.

This is a new thought to me (never client's fault). I'm holding onto this and letting roll around in my head. Thank you.