In a Bad Place ***Trigger Warning-SH****

[Snowdrop]

You're not a burden, Notalone. You're worthy and important.

Can you let T know how important it is to acknowledge Hope's feelings tomorrow at the beginning of session to make sure there will be time after you check in about last week's session?

^^^ This sounds like an excellent idea.

I hope the session goes well. Thinking of you, and sending love and hugs.

[Bach]

I heartily agree with MoonBeam and Snowdrop, and am sending you love and good thoughts

[Not Alone]

MoonBeam, Snowdrop, Bach,

I have to leave soon for session, but checked in here first. Your words give me courage. Good idea about letting him know at the beginning of session that Hope needs to hear from him. 

[Bach]

MoonBeam, Snowdrop, Bach,

I have to leave soon for session, but checked in here first. Your words give me courage. Good idea about letting him know at the beginning of session that Hope needs to hear from him. 

It can be so difficult and scary to advocate for your hurting little ones!  I had to do that today at therapy and it was literally physically painful, but my sweet frightened Younger felt such relief afterward to know that I am willing to care for and nurture her even with all the pain.  Her relief is my relief.  I hope that you are able to do that for Hope, and for yourself.  Your sharing here has helped me understand that, and I am very grateful for it

[Not Alone]

Session:
While I was waiting before session, I reminded Hope of all those who knew her and cared about her, naming many of you. It was a comfort to her.

I took your advice and stated in the beginning of our session that Hope needed to hear from him. Then I read my synopsis of my understanding of the whole email issue. He said I got it correct. He said I had it in my head then asked if I believe it. Short answer, no. The intertwining of the two questions of "May I email?" and "Am I too much?" is so strong in my mind that it is hard for me to see two separate questions and difficult to understand that my T was not responding to "Am I too much?" when he said he was going to limit his responses to my emails. I hope that over time I am able to believe that I am not too much and was not thrown away by him. Again, deep, dark roots going back to being given away and used when I was a little girl.

Hope did come to session. She curled up on the couch and cried. T told her she did not say or doing anything bad. He reassured her of his care and told her he was glad she was there. As much as Hope wanted to feel safe again with T and feel safe in his office, that didn't happen. Today was a step. The wounds from this are so deep (for all of us) that it will take time to heal. There will be a scar. Hope wanted to feel safe enough to tell him many things, but did not. She didn't even feel safe enough to show him her new doll. He knows she has been wanting a doll for a long time. That makes her sad. This is so hard.

I am so grateful to all of you for understanding, supporting me, telling me I'm of value. I feel like I keep saying that, but your support has been hugely significant in weathering this latest storm.

[MoonBeam]

Dear NotAlone and Hope.  You were both so brave and strong today and you are so cared about here by all of us. I'm so glad T was able to also let you know he cares about you and just being there, continuing to show up shows how strong you are and perhaps one step at a time you will be able to feel safe with T again, and believe just how valuable and worthy of love you are.

NotAlone, I'm glad you were able to say what you needed and I agree, today was a step. It takes time to work through a disruption like that, to find footing again. I hope each step feels a little easier, safer and you are able to find repair in the relationship.

I understand those deep dark roots so completely. Today you are also a strong, brave, grown woman, who can not be given away, who is loved and valued by many, for you are worthy of love, care and respect. I know this with all of my being.  I'm grateful to be on this journey with you NotAlone and so appreciate you.   

[Snowdrop]

Dear Notalone, I completely understand the disconnect between what your head thinks and your heart feels, and also how those two questions are intertwined. Your session can't have been easy, but it's a step forward and progress. I think you handled it well.

Dear Hope, you were so brave! I'm proud of you. I hope you're feeling a bit better today. Maybe it would help you to play with your new doll? She sounds beautiful.

[Not Alone]

MoonBeam and Snowdrop and All:

Last night was tough; dreams and feeling like electricity was going through me. I read your kind, understanding words and they were a comfort to me.
I was going to quote some of your words, but everything you said was meaningful to me.

[Not Alone]

Today Jo (11 years old) came to session. She asked T if it was her fault regarding emails. T patiently said to her what he has been saying, no one's fault, etc. She was able to understand a bit more. Jo said it was like painting and T not responding to emails was one color, us being thrown away and being too much was another color. We have had the colors all mixed and blended so you couldn't tell that there were different colors. I do believe that the colors are starting to separate. I'm starting to understand more. It is difficult with the feelings and past experiences being so destructive, painful and complex.

At the end of session I did tell my T about SH four weeks ago. He was non-condemning and said he was glad that I told him.

[Snowdrop]

I like Jo's analogy. It painted a clear picture in my head about what had happened. I'm glad that going to session helped her understand.

Well done for telling your T about the SH. Good to hear he was non-condemning about it.

I've been thinking about you, and I'm pleased your last session seems to have gone so well.

[Not Alone]

Snowdrop, thank you for your reply and your care. It means a lot.

[sanmagic7]

i love the idea of the colors having been blended and are now being separated.  that analogy makes a ton of sense to me.  well done!   it's something i can picture readily in my mind, and can even designate colors (already!) to various aspects of my life.  no wonder we go dark/black when we're at our lowest - black is the culmination of absorbing all colors.  if we can't distinguish them, they all puddle together.  white, then, (and light) would be when the colors are separated and reflected.  beautiful job, jo!

thanks for sharing this - it opened my mind to a brand new way of seeing some of this.  love and hugs, notalone.

[MoonBeam]

NotAlone. That was a brilliant analogy Jo came up with. I'm so glad you are all talking and finding understanding and resolution with T.  Keep up the amazing work. 

[Not Alone]

The intertwining of the two questions of "May I email?" and "Am I too much?" is so strong in my mind that it is hard for me to see two separate questions and difficult to understand that my T was not responding to "Am I too much?" when he said he was going to limit his responses to my emails. I hope that over time I am able to believe that I am not too much and was not thrown away by him. Again, deep, dark roots going back to being given away and used when I was a little girl.

Today Jo (11 years old) came to session. She asked T if it was her fault regarding emails. T patiently said to her what he has been saying, no one's fault, etc. She was able to understand a bit more. Jo said it was like painting and T not responding to emails was one color, us being thrown away and being too much was another color. We have had the colors all mixed and blended so you couldn't tell that there were different colors. I do believe that the colors are starting to separate. I'm starting to understand more. It is difficult with the feelings and past experiences being so destructive, painful and complex.

I spent the weekend with a friend.  We finger painted. I put two globs of yellow paint on the paper. On the other side of the yellow, I put two globs of brown paint. On the first half, I painted the yellow and brown separately. On the second half, I mixed the brown and yellow. On the only yellow side I used a Q-tip to write: "Therapist email." On the brown I wrote: "thrown away" and "too much." On the part of the picture that was both colors mixed together I used all the letters from everything that I wrote, randomly written on that part of the picture. (After my therapy picture I just had fun finger painting!) I wish this cleared it all up completely in my heart and mind. It is another step in countering the destructive messages that I was given in childhood. Also a concrete activity, trying to understand in my heart and mind that T saying he was not going to respond as much to my emails was NOT him saying that I am too much for him and was NOT him throwing me away.

Hope did come to session. She curled up on the couch and cried. T told her she did not say or doing anything bad. He reassured her of his care and told her he was glad she was there. As much as Hope wanted to feel safe again with T and feel safe in his office, that didn't happen. Today was a step. The wounds from this are so deep (for all of us) that it will take time to heal. There will be a scar. Hope wanted to feel safe enough to tell him many things, but did not. She didn't even feel safe enough to show him her new doll. He knows she has been wanting a doll for a long time. That makes her sad. This is so hard.

I questioned him about the timing of this, after Hope cut up the belt picture and emailed him. He said it honestly had nothing to do with Hope and the belt. I told him that neither the Littles nor I believe that. Later he said that he didn't connect the emails with Hope, although it makes sense that she connects it. He wished he had done that differently. (I appreciated that.)

I need to keep reminding Hope that she did not do anything wrong by cutting up the belt, she didn't do anything wrong to email T. He should have thought about what she did and the timing of telling us he was limiting his email responses. He didn't think about it and that was his mistake. I get caught up in her feelings and then it is hard for me to tell her and reassure her that she didn't do anything wrong. For Hope, at the age of five, it seems clear: "I cut up the belt picture, I emailed T, then he said he won't respond at length to our emails; so I what I did (cut picture &/or email T) must have been really bad."

I just feel like screaming. 

Thanks for hanging in here with me.  This feels like a never-ending issue. 

[Snowdrop]

The finger painting sounds great!

I would also like to tell Hope that she did nothing wrong, if that helps. Nothing at all. I admire her so much. I know that people keep calling her brave. That's because she is. Genuinely. Cutting up the belt like that was amazing! I cheer her on each time I think of it.

Emailing T afterwards wasn't wrong. Asking for reassurance wasn't wrong. It honestly wasn't. She didn't make a mistake, the T did. I know that T regrets making that mistake and wishes he could undo it. I know that he cares for Hope.