In a Bad Place ***Trigger Warning-SH****

[Kizzie]

My T is trauma informed and has over 20 years of experience working with people with cPTSD and DID. I don't understand why he didn't explain the abrupt change in a more gentle way.

You were honest and open and vulnerable and deserved the most gentle, caring and compassionate of care Notalone. I sense that your T thought he was doing what was best for you but doesn't truly understand how shattering fear of abandonment and rejection are for you.

I echo what others have said, you are not too much, this is what trauma is all about and you were brave enough to reveal it.  It is not you, it is your T and whether he is skilled enough to help you. It may be he thought you were ready when you weren't quite and perhaps you can tell him that and ask him to go more slowly and gently. 

Would you/Hope be willing to speak to him again about how deeply this has affected her/you and the thoughts you wrote in an earlier post that this has raised for you?

[MoonBeam]

NotAlone, thank you again for continuing to share here about this. It takes great bravery to continue to reach out, to share, when so much of the fear is around feeling like a burden or needy. I echo what others have said: You are never too much or needing too much. You are amazing and strong and working so hard, unpacking that which you've carried alone for so long. It is sooo hard to trust someone, to trust ourselves.

All of the feelings you are having around this are so valid. The story may not be accurate as to the why, but the feelings are real. When we don't know why someone shifts boundaries, it is our nature, our training to immediately internalize and take responsibility. I needed to understand why, what was happening that my T felt there needed to be a shift. I asked her to explain it to me many times. I needed to allow space to see her part in it as well as mine. I needed to understand the relationship.

I felt like I was so careful--checking in, making sure I knew what the rules were, so I wouldn't screw it up, ask for too much. So I could feel safe, have some control perhaps, check my dependence. This has been my pattern in all relationships, but I think I'm learning relationships are fluid and humans are well, human. Mistakes are made. I so hope your T can allow room for dialogue around what his thoughts and feelings were behind making a shift like that in what seems like a not so thoughtful way.

I think one thing that was particularly hard for me was I felt powerless. Like, T made a decision that greatly affected me without including me in the decision and it really fed my fears and pain. We talked about that a lot. It's part of being in relationship with someone and I believe t is a collaboration. Being able to talk about it openly, through my fear, and T being willing to hear and understand. That is what made the repair possible. I don't know if there will come a time when I need to shift, or need to work with someone else, but working through this with my T has helped heal some really old relational stuff.

I'm writing a lot. I hope that's ok. This is really big stuff and I'm with you, holding space for you to receive all you need to feel safe and held.  Big, gentle

[Not Alone]

Kizzie & MoonBeam:

Your replies greatly appreciated. I want to write more, but feel so shaky now. I'm going hold my bear and listen to music. Will probably respond tomorrow.

[Blueberry]

we're with you, not throwing you away.

  + gentle if safe

i don't know why your t changed his mind about the email thing.   i don't understand why he didn't explain such an abrupt change to you in a way that let you know it's not your fault.  in fact, it may be all on him.  he may not be suited for dealing w/ someone who's been traumatized, had DID...  too many t's don't have the knowledge or experience for working w/ traumatized people.  unfortunately, the client is the one who gets hurt.

Unfortunately I have been hurt Idk how many times by Ts who thought they knew what they were doing with trauma, but were out of their depth in my case. So I really get the feelings of hurt and re-abandonment, know how excruciating they are. After such an occasion I was told by non-trauma Ts that - sure, Ts make mistakes or misjudgements but it is then up to the T to bring the client back to a safe place, help them restabilise. I think personally that if a T has a client with Inner Children, then the ICs should be helped back into a safe place as well and have things explained to them. What I or my ICs (hard to tell) always wanted but never got was an apology and recognition from the T that s/he had gone too far, hoping that if a T recognised it s/he wouldn't do it again.

as a t myself, may i tell you that the client is never the burden, never at fault for a t's actions.  never.  instead of you being too much for him, it may very well be that he's too little for you. but, it's never the client's fault, this has not been your fault.  since hope was the one who emailed him, he might have realized he just doesn't have the knowledge/experience to work w/ someone's parts.   c-ptsd is a mighty beast, and neediness is a great part of it. 

this bears repeating, tho I'm not a T myself. I just wish such Ts could recognise that they're getting out of their depth before they hurt their clients.

We are here for you notalone. You are most welcome on OOTS and you are not too much.  (if safe for you)

[Kizzie]

I think one thing that was particularly hard for me was I felt powerless. Like, T made a decision that greatly affected me without including me in the decision and it really fed my fears and pain. I told T I wished she had said: I'm feeling this way about our work, I need to make some shifts. How can we work together to bring this into the relationship. What do you feel you need to be supported? This is what I can do. How can we get you what you need? We talked about that a lot.

Well said Moonbeam! We really do need to be part of 'the plan' so we are empowered and power imbalances are minimized.  I love this but hard to do for some of us I know and some T's too I would imagine, but it's certainly the ideal therapeutic relationship imo. 

[Not Alone]

Kizzie, I think you are right that he was doing what he thought was best for me. Last session, I read my thoughts about this and the affect it had on me. It has sucked me so far down into deep blackness, that I remember very little of what he said. I think when I have session this Monday, I will ask him why he was no longer going to respond to my emails and then write down his response. Thank you for saying that I am not too much. Maybe if I hear it enough the message will start entering my mind and heart.

At some point T is going to need to talk to Hope. She was deeply wounded by his timing of the email decision. Right now there are Parts who will not let him anywhere near Hope.

MoonBeam,
I am so grateful for you sharing more of your story. It helps me to feel less alone and is very helpful.

Thanks for saying my feelings are valid. I need to hear that. Even if 90% of what I'm feeling is connected to decades ago, my feelings are still important and valid.

Relationships are fluid. That is a good thing to remember. I don't know if that's hard for me or not. Like you, MoonBeam, I was sticking to the rules. Then without warning, the rules changed and the earth opened underneath me and swallowed me up. I do want and need to have a dialogue with him about why he changed his policy with me, why the timing, how things would have been more helpful to me, etc. This has all been so stressful to me that I am not thinking clearly and I don't know if I'm hearing clearly or not. Maybe I should record Monday's session?

Blueberry, I'm so grateful for your continued support and care.

Unfortunately I have been hurt Idk how many times by Ts who thought they knew what they were doing with trauma, but were out of their depth in my case. So I really get the feelings of hurt and re-abandonment, know how excruciating they are. After such an occasion I was told by non-trauma Ts that - sure, Ts make mistakes or misjudgements but it is then up to the T to bring the client back to a safe place, help them restabilise. I think personally that if a T has a client with Inner Children, then the ICs should be helped back into a safe place as well and have things explained to them. What I or my ICs (hard to tell) always wanted but never got was an apology and recognition from the T that s/he had gone too far, hoping that if a T recognised it s/he wouldn't do it again.

Yes, it is excruciating. I can't even see if my T is trying to bring myself and Littles back to a safe place. Hard to see in a black hole. I also want an apology for how this was handled. You saying this helps give me permission to admit that to myself.

[Snowdrop]

Dear notalone, you are never too much. Please know that you are very precious to us and we all care about you a great deal.

[MoonBeam]

Thinking of you today NotAlone. 

[Not Alone]

Update from session on Monday. I tried to take notes during session because over the last couple weeks I was not able to remember portions of sessions.

To the best of my understanding: Normally my T has email contact with clients for questions of scheduling. Sometimes in the beginning of therapy he might engage more in responses in email. With the severity of what I went through, he felt that I needed the email support. He doesn't do therapy via email, and for months has thought about the emails with me. So, three weeks ago, he told me he would no longer respond. He said he was sorry for how he executed things; he was thinking about it for months, for me it was abrupt and painful.

He said when I asked if it was okay if I emailed, I was asking significantly more. His answer that it was okay to email (now I know that means I can email whatever I want, but he won't respond/do therapy via email) was that question, yes, okay to email. I had two questions tied together: Is it okay to email? and Do I matter? Am I too much? The latter questions (and answers) have very deep, painful roots. When T told me he wasn't going to respond to my emails any longer, I completely took it as, "I am too much." He said it made sense that I tied the two together, but they were never meant to be tied together. This has helped me to begin to see that his decision to not respond to my emails is not a rejection of me.

I questioned him about the timing of this, after Hope cut up the belt picture and emailed him. He said it honestly had nothing to do with Hope and the belt. I told him that neither the Littles nor I believe that. Later he said that he didn't connect the emails with Hope, although it makes sense that she connects it. He wished he had done that differently. (I appreciated that.)

At the end of session, I asked him if he knew this would be this upsetting to me. He said he knew I wouldn't like it because it is a change, but he didn't know it would be this upsetting and at this level. At some point he said he was so sorry this was so painful.

Everything isn't all better, but I no longer feel like I'm in a deep, dark hole. T's saying he wished he had done some things differently has helped. It's not all on me; there are areas where he erred. Him pointing out that I was really asking two questions: 1) Is it okay to email 2) Am I too much, has been really helpful. That is why I felt thrown away. When he said he wasn't going to respond, I heard, you are too much and you are a burden. In his mind, that wasn't what he was saying. The connection of the two thoughts is so intertwined that I will need to continue to work to separate them.

Perhaps next Monday Hope will come to session and he can talk to her. She feels rejected and like she did something wrong. I think my understanding things more is a help to her, but she needs to hear directly from him.

After my session, I met with a friend and cried and cried. Then later cried with my husband. The pain from all this has been so big. And T is right, the roots of being thrown away are very deep.

Thank you all so much for holding my head above the water, for caring, for wisdom, for catching me. 

[Bach]

notalone, I'm glad you're out of the hole.  I know that hole.  I can't really write anything sensible because I returned from my overseas trip on Monday afternoon and am dazed with jetlag, but I followed this thread a bit when I was away, and I have been thinking of you.  I'm proud of you for how well you handled an exceptionally difficult thing at such an already busy and challenging part of the year.  Love and best wishes for 2020 to you and all the littles

[sanmagic7]

sweetie, so glad you were able to get some of those things straightened out w/ your t.  good for you for bringing it up.   

i hope he'll speak w/ Hope next time, too, if she's up for it.  i think that could help a lot.  so very glad you're out  of that dark hole.  that place is the worst, to my mind.

sending love and a hug filled with relief and understanding.

[Not Alone]

Bach, it means a lot to me that while you were overseas you checked in and thought of me. San, always appreciate your care. I will let you know how Monday goes.

[MoonBeam]

NotAlone, I was so glad to hear you were able to connect with your T and gain some understanding of his process and thoughts behind his decision to change the email boundary. I'm also grateful he was able to see how devastating the way in which it was handled was for you and Hope and that he was able to express sincerely his concern and sadness that it caused you pain.
It takes great strength to stand up for ourselves, especially when we feel so vulnerable and you have been amazing through this.  I know it's been so hard. I hope with all my heart things go well for Hope and T at your next appt. Repair in a relationship is a powerful tool for healing and my thoughts are with you as you continue on your path in whatever way feels safest and healthiest for you with your T.
I want to let you know too that I have been thinking of you. 

[Not Alone]

I just wrote out a synopsis of last week's session, to read to T tomorrow, to see if I am understanding correctly. Writing it brought those awful feelings of being unimportant and being a burden. Now I just want to hide under a blanket. I told husband I would watch T.V. with him, so maybe will cover myself with my weighted blanket. In session tomorrow, if we don't get to the point of T talking to Hope, it is going to be really disappointing and hurtful. Pain.

[MoonBeam]

  NotAlone. You are so important and it is a gift to be a part of your journey of recovery. I have a feeling your T feels the same. Can you let T know how important it is to acknowledge Hope's feelings tomorrow at the beginning of session to make sure there will be time after you check in about last week's session?

I hope you were able to cuddle under your weighted blanket with h and watch something soothing and rest for a bit. I'll be thinking of you and Hope tomorrow.