Now that the Christmas holiday is over I want to tell how it all turned out. Kizzies article really helped me acknowledge my feelings. It helps to truly feel that my pain is OK, and totally necessary for my recovery.
Boatsetsailrose “Take the bits I like and leave the rest”, This is what got me true the Christmas day. I told my fosterfamily (which I also call family) that I didn’t want any Christmas music this holiday, they sadly didn’t ask why but in the end they choose some other music to listen to in the living room. I chose not to go in church on Christmas day and went training instead, and it was so wonderful to just do something I like and get a break from the Christmas. Surprisingly this day went very well, preparing myself and putting up a plan that I could live with made the day much easier than I thought it would be. I didn’t mine eating Christmas dinner, and wrapping up present together was very nice.
For some reason I got a breakdown the day after, it just came over me like a heavy carpet. I couldn’t stand upraised and was filled with emotions. It took some ours to recover, but I noticed that wat made it all better in the end was my tears. It’s like the tears have healing powers.
I’m sad that my family don’t have the ability to be there for me when I’m sad. It doesn’t matter how I express my pain. If I tell them with words that I’m struggling they don’t want to hear any more of it. If I cry around them, they just pretend like my tears don’t exist. It’s like that every time I’m in pain in that house, I end up lying in my bad al alone and feel even more lonely and abandoned. When I’m happy it’s good to be around them, it’s like that’s all they want from me, the good things, the bad things they can’t handle.
So, after thinking true and feeling all these feeling again, I start to realize that maybe it is this sorrow that made the Christmas so difficult this year. I have never acknowledged this sorrow before. I’ve lived in a fantasy that my FOO was all bad and my Fosters where all good. But the reality is that I never got to be myself with bot good and bad, I’ve never had a family that really recognized me and gave me the opportunity to mourn and get comfort. I grew up all alone inside and had to pretend that everything was ok, I had to put up a cover showing them wat they wanted to see, but I never got the chance to show them me. I never got the chance to cry in somebody’s arms and get the comfort a Child needs

Now I know that I will always be alone in my pain when I’m around my family, and that’s maybe what made Christmas difficult this year.
But all in all, I’m happy that I made it true, and feel like I’m going be OK. I’m going to continue accepting all my feeling ang give me the time to mourn. Happily, I have good days too, and get some breaks from the sadness. I have a lot to be thankful for. Thank you everyone in this forum, it’s helps to know that I’m not totally alone in this. Getting things out hear helps my recovery.
