Baby steps

[Sunflower_Rising]

Hi all,

I originally felt bad about this recent conversation, but now I don't. Although my response isn't my ultimate goal, I think it's a step in the right direction. I'm very slowly coming to the realization that I can feel and express anger, although I'm going to need a lot of practice to do it appropriately because I've never had it modeled. I wasn't really angry here, but I didn't have the energy or interest to "be polite" to someone who was so obviously incapable of returning the favor. Mostly I'm proud that I saw it for what it was: A narcissist fishing for victims.

[Upon meeting someone new at a social event held by a "friend"]
Adult Male: "Hi, I'm ___."
Me: "Hi,  ___, I'm Sunny. Nice to meet you."
Adult Male: "Yeah, it's nice to meet you, I guess."
Me: *pause* "You're a *."

[Kizzie]

I take it this person came across in kind of a snotty way, with attitude and you immediately felt angry? 

[Sunflower_Rising]

No, actually, he was completely offhand, like he could care less about me. He wasn't looking at me or even facing me when he said it. I wasn't angry, but I immediately thought of gaslighting. He was intentionally trying to devalue me in order to ... I don't know, stimulate my interest? Get a chance to dominate the conversation? Find an emotional punching bag? In the past, I might have thought he was "interesting" or brushed it off as me being too sensitive, but this time I didn't. He tried to keep the conversation going by saying he was "just trying to get out of the boring norm," but there are plenty of ways to encourage a new acquaintance's interest without implying that they're unimportant.

I have a hard time knowing if I'm overreacting, partly because CPTSD leads to overreaction in the now and partly because my trauma involved being told that I was overreacting about my abuse. But I wasn't triggered into anger this time, so I'm reasonably sure I didn't misread things. He was being a jerk, and I called him on it. Saying "no" in any form is hard for me, and this felt like saying "no." I hope to be able to learn to do it differently in the future - I don't really want to go around calling people names - but these are my baby steps, and I'm learning to be okay with doing things better rather then perfectly.

[Kizzie]

When I read your post I immediately went to an image in my  head of my NPDB and his way of replying that just sent my BP skyrocketing instantly. I once called him an **** - did not go over well.

I found it so awkward when I first started calling people on things like this and would endlessly ruminate on whether I had been too sensitive, harsh, whatever.  Thankfully I am more confident in my judgement now and must say it's so freeing to be able to stand up for myself without feeling guilty or whatever.

Anyway, it sounds like you've made a lot of progress in this area and are feeling good about finding your power Sunflower so           . 

[Sunflower_Rising]

I'm so sorry if I triggered you, Kizzie.  for you, if it's wanted. I had a NPD/BP B, too, and have similar memories. I remember once, when I was quite small, punching him in the nose when he got in my face. That's where the memory ends, but I can fill in the blank.

I definitely started to ruminate, but Walker's book helped a lot. My response wasn't ideal, but it was better than what I usually do, which is nothing. I look forward to the freedom you've earned for yourself. "One day at a time" is starting to make a lot more sense these days.

[Kizzie]

No worries, it didn't trigger me, just brought up memories of his BP raising behaviour and I am distant from that now thankfully.  I can relate to wanting to punch my B in the nose, just never did - always took it out on myself until I called him an *.  Things changed for the netter for me after that, first time I let my power out albeit not quite in the best way as you suggest.    

Anyway, glad you're finding your power, for me that helps me to feel safer knowing I can call on it when needed. 

[Kat]

Bravo, Sunny!