Keeps playing in my head

[Rosalee]

I keep having the thoughts from my horrific childhood play in my head.  I have been yelled at by my siblings to grow up, get of it, and other things.  I broke down, went to therapy and I am not the one who is crazy, or a narc as they screamed.  I was abused for all of my childhood.  I was the SG and they were the GC. I have replayed me getting home and my Nsis beating the tar out of me bcz she was picked on at school.  I had to save her bcz I was the oldest and I am supposed to do that.  But at home it was ok for her to go off on me and hurt me.  I was supposed to be ok with it bcz she was younger. What? 

I was parentified and I took care of my younger sibs bcz the parents went to work.  Split shifts so I was the caregiver to the younger ones.  My childhood ended at 6 yrs of age. I learned to speak English and I was taken everywhere to translate for my parents.  I keep reliving my enabler dad beating us up bcz he was drunk. Nmom smacking me around bcz I would question things.  I remember vividly 1st grade, teacher told us to go home and hug our moms on Sunday, for Mothers Day.  I did as I was told and mine pushed me away and asked how much I wanted.  Or a Christmas show, families were to come and watch us perform, my parents never came.  I sang my heart out and looked into the crowd of all my friends families but I got to walk home alone. There are so many of these times and I still stayed bcz that is what I am responsible for.  To take care of my parents. I find that to be a crock of poop.  They abuse me all my life and I take care of them into their old age. 

My Nmom really taught my Nsis well.  After Nmom died 1yr ago, I was changing, that is what the siblings said.  Sure,  I was, for the better for me. I was taking care of myself for the first time.  I was setting boundaries and the siblings didn't like that.   They ganged up on me and I broke down and went to help.  I was truly afraid that they were right, maybe I am the Narc and I am so horrible that I may die alone.  I don't know why I listened to them, I have a great husband and kids.  They have no one and they are judging me?  But I am getting help and I am starting to understand that they are the problem.They have not once in their miserable lives ever apologized for their actions or behaviors. 

I was the one who had to do it bcz parents told me that I had to bcz you know how they are.   I do know how they are, they horrible humans that hurt people and feel nothing, they have no moral compass, no remorse, nothing. 

I try to not focus on the trauma but sometimes its hard.  So many years of this abuse and I am tired.  Just the thought of my siblings gets me worked up.  I have been getting better but some days are harder than others.  I will continue to focus on ME, I deserve it, I deserve to be happy.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Rosalee 

Thank you for sharing your story.  You've been through a lot so it's no wonder you are tired out!  What may help though is something you yourself said:

I will continue to focus on ME, I deserve it, I deserve to be happy.

Yes, you totally deserve to be happy                

[Not Alone]

So sorry for all the pain and abuse you went through. Glad you are getting help. You deserve kindness and care.

[Kizzie]

    

[Heart]

Welcome Rosalee. It is terrible when you're so alone in a family. To be responsible and not receive any gratitude from people who should love and respect you. Here you can tell your stories and be heard.  That is respect well deserved