I just don't know. Lost in my thoughts

[Warringmind]

I have been logged in for the last 3 hours, scrolling up and down the pages, glimpsing over a few of the posts, reading bits and pieces, Trying to sort out... I don't even know what.
I have so many thoughts that I feel my head isn't big enough to contain them all. I don't even know where to begin getting some out, and writing this now is just making it even more confusing as to what is going on up there. I don't even know if I'm making sense?
I had therapy on Wednesday and it didn't go too well. I said about 20 words. I was ok when I walked in, but closed up very shortly after. My throat became tight, chest was sore, stomach in knots, head was shooting in pain, shoulders nearly too heavy to sit upright. No matter what she said I just couldn't free myself. She tried and tried like many times before but got nothing. The more she tried the more guilty I felt. I was so angry and upset with myself that I just didn't know what to do, so I went to nowhere. I feel so guilty that she feels as though she isn't helping me and I know it's my fault. She has spent a couple of years gaining my trust and we have a good therapeutic relationship but more times than not I am a closed book, and occasionally I'm so shut that it hurts in a big way.
I'm writing so much here and I apologise for anyone reading this. I don't ever really let myself talk this much about me so I'm really sorry if you have read this far.
I am so embarrassed and ashamed about goin back next week. I feel I have let her down hugely. I remember her asking me if I have anything to say about the situation (her not being of much use of help, she was being really honest and I appreciated that) and I just said no, and I knew I should have said more but I really couldn't get anything more out. She said I have a lot of thinking to do, she went over again all the things we've been trough before, that I'm standing in a fork and have a Choice to make etc etc. I just don't know if I have it in me to continue. I Know where it will lead me if I don't. But I'm less afraid of that. I'm so terrified. Terrified of losing control, that I'm losing even more of myself in the process of trying to hold on to the control I have now. I don't know if I'm making sense. I just can't seem to find my way. I'm so hurt. I'm usually very numb, but I've been feeling a lot and I think I know some of why that's happening, but at the same time don't allow myself to go there. I'm so afraid of being vulnerable and feeling, but feeling overwhelmed at the same time anyway without even going there, if that makes sense?
I don't even know what I'm trying to achieve by writing this. Theres just a lot going on and I don't know what I want to do with myself. I'm torn in every direction about everything.
Does anyone that has read this far.. Relate to any of this? I don't know.

[Dyess]

Going to a counselor is hard. It's hard to open up about your most guarded thoughts to a stranger. I think they know that and know how to deal with people that have a hard time discussing issues. I write mine down and either give it to her at the session or email it to her. That way she can read over it, and know what is going on without me having to explain everything. If she has a question it's easier to answer just a question than talk about the entire experience. Or at least it is for me. It may be a good idea to copy your post here and take it with you and let her read it. They appreciate the honesty. It would be a start...right? Don't give up on the counseling just yet, try some different ways to communicate with your counselor that is comfortable for you and informative for her. She can't help unless she knows the issues. Give it some thought

[bee]

What you are going through is difficult. I don't think you should feel guilty about how your T may or may not feel, this is her job. My T had to put in a lot of years to gain my trust, and there are levels of trust. It sounds like you might be at the edge of trusting her on a new level, that is hard, especially if you have had your trust violated in the past.

It's kind of eerie, but I think I've written something similar to this in my journal in the past. I think I know what you mean. But, no worries if I'm off base. Just try to be as gentle with yourself as you can.

I just don't know if I have it in me to continue. I Know where it will lead me if I don't. But I'm less afraid of that. I'm so terrified. Terrified of losing control, that I'm losing even more of myself in the process of trying to hold on to the control I have now. I don't know if I'm making sense. I just can't seem to find my way. I'm so hurt. I'm usually very numb, but I've been feeling a lot and I think I know some of why that's happening, but at the same time don't allow myself to go there. I'm so afraid of being vulnerable and feeling, but feeling overwhelmed at the same time anyway without even going there, if that makes sense?

It sounds like you are overwhelmed. Trauma can disrupt the body's natural ability to self regulate. What this means is when a person who has been traumatized starts to feel, the feelings just get bigger and bigger, and the body can not naturally calm itself down. It's similar to when a toddler starts crying because they are tired, but then keeps crying louder and louder and is almost impossible to soothe. If you google

You might want to try some ways to soothe yourself.
I found this website, I read one of Peter levine's books and found it really good.
http://www.new-synapse.com/aps/wordpress/?p=234
Or try breathing exercises, or whatever you've found to be calming for you.

You're not alone.

[shadow]

Warringmind.....I totally relate. For me its all about the conditioning of childhood.....I was constantly shut down from expressing how I felt with statements about attention seeking....whinging whining telling tales.....to talk about how I actually 'feel' is almost impossible. I am not used to anyone wanting to hear 'how I feel' yet I can talk about the price of fish for hours. I have also had trouble writing the thoughts on paper as I feel it makes me look even more messed up than I am. Scattered even. I have started to talk to my doctor and therapist as if I am talking about someone else....it seems to work for me because once I begin it makes it easier and without making a conscience decision about it suddenly find myself using the word 'I'.
When Im alone and troubled by flashbacks depression anxiety it lasts longer and is more frightening than if there is a supportive person to talk about it to. Once you find away to start letting it out Im sure you will be surprised at how badly you wanted to talk about it all along. 
 

[schrödinger's cat]

Warringmind, how are you now? Are you a little better? I'm sorry to hear that you had such a hard time. I can relate to how difficult it is to tell one's story. Hereabouts, if you look for a therapist, you do one appointment that's for free where you just talk and see if you fit - and those always, always triggered me. It made things easier, because the T looked at me and went "yep, you've got PTSD alright". But I never went back to any of those. It was too hard to find the trust to even do that much. It felt like a leap into an abyss. I was panicked and afraid. So if you've been sticking to your therapy, returning again and again, you're already a lot braver than I am. 

CPTSD is an injury. What you're going through, your difficulty in even findings words, it's all part of what was done to you. You're not to blame. You're not "doing this" to anybody. You're hurt so badly. It's okay to walk with a limp for a while. 

You don't have to answer this - but when your T keeps on talking about a fork in the road and how you have to make choices... I read this and thougth: "oh sheesh, I'd feel really stressed out at that." I'd understand this to mean 'you CAN fix this yourself if only you try hard enough'. Which probably isn't what your T is saying. But it's what I'd hear. The reason is, my family and people around me so often gave me the message that I can simply "snap out of" my depression. That happened so often, and always at the wrong time. By now, even harmless encouragement can trigger me. ("You can do it!" - "AUGH! What if I can't?! Oh my words. I can't. That's it. I'm not going to be able to do it. It's this little thing that everyone else can do but of course it'll turn out that I can't. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no." - etc etc).

Maybe that's just me? Do your T's words feel like pressure? Like she was pushing you to do too much too early? Like... if you said "no, I'm not yet able to make a choice, I need more time" or if you said "I don't see that fork in the road you're talking about, I tried to see it but it's not there"... if you said something like that, does it feel like she'd then reject you or think badly of you? If so - I'm often hearing how important it is to honour our own sense of pace. If we feel that things are moving too quickly, then we usually have a point. She's the therapist, granted. But you're the one and only expert on being yourself. You're in charge. If she's triggering you, then maybe she's the one with the problem. - Sorry, I hope I haven't overstepped any bounds in saying that.

[Widdiful Falling]

Hello, Warringmind.

   

I hope you're feeling better, even if it's only a little. I definitely relate to how you're feeling. I hope you're staying safe, and that you're coping in healthy ways. Please don't think of it as letting down your t. She is there for you, after all.

Wishing you all the best.

[Sandals]

Warringmind 

I get it. Boy, do I ever get it. When I'm low, I freeze in session big-time. Not just in words (that's the most obvious), but in sharing authentically and in body. Sometimes I go all surface. I'm actually more authentic when I'm not saying anything instead of blabbering on about something insignificant. But I'm most aware of when I'm frozen when I can't get a word out.

So, first of all, you are not alone.

My T mentioned early on that not talking was me being defensive. When I first heard this, I disagreed vehemently - I didn't feel that I was actively being defensive as I wasn't purposely not talking. But the further on the journey I went, the more I could understand what she meant. It's not a conscious defensive mechanism - but it is a strong unconscious mechanism. It's one of our protectors...not letting someone get close. When I find myself freezing, I try to remind myself of this and it helps. Being aware that freezing, not talking, is my protector but knowing that this old childhood tool, which was so necessary at the time, is not needed anymore and is, in fact, standing in the way of progress helps me push against it and muster the strength to get through. Not 100% of the time...but I try not to judge myself against being perfect anymore. Or rather, that not being 100% is perfectly imperfect.

The other thing that I find helps me is knowing that when this behaviour surface I'm close to a break-through. My protector is trying so hard to keep me safe because it's unknown territory, but this unknown territory is where I most desire to go. It's the path to freedom. I try to visualize my words as being the path to travel and get there...and it is still hard to walk, but the motivation is strong.

I hope some of this helps. Keep sharing with us. Feeling that you are not alone will also help you open up. You are doing great, this is not easy work by any stretch. 

[smg]

Warringmind,

Oh, yes, I relate to what you wrote!

Your description of how you felt browsing through the forum reminds me of the long, almost painful stretches of a "whirling" sensation in my mind. I couldn't settle to a thought or task. I couldn't focus. I couldn't communicate what was going on in my head and heart. It frightened me to be stuck and incapacitated.

The whirling was quite common two years ago, but doesn't happen much at all now. It think that it was a phase or a step in the process. I think for me, it was exactly what your user name and your tag line suggest, a war between the truth of my feelings and the story I knew about my family. It was a lot of time and exhaustion to re-think and re-feel my way past the worst of the whirling -- the worst of the denial.

You deserve whatever time and energy you need to work your way through this.

I wonder if EFT (aka tapping)or another technique to reduce emotional charge would be as useful to you as it was for me. (These can start to work without explicitly identifying the emotions, beliefs and thoughts behind your distress).

smg

[Bluevermonter]

Hi warringmind.  I agree w the suggestions that trace made.  How about reading your posts here, or another's that expresses the feeling you want to share.

I have been saving some of what you guys post that is much better wriiten than what I can do, to read in my next t session.

[Warringmind]

THank you all so much for your comments and thoughts and encouragement and sharing some of your experiences. I really appreciate it. I'm in a similar spot to before although some things have shifted. I'm working harder to stop my self destructive behaviors and have been continuing therapy. My will power shifts and is constantly changing minute to minute, I'm constantly fluctuating between wanting to get better and face my past and challenge myself and between throwing in the towel and sabotaging any bit of progress I have made. It's a constant battle, one that I sometimes feel I am losing, and often feel as though I am a referee... Not even a participant in it, just someone standing on the sidelines watching the ball being kicked from one side to the other and occasionally having to step in to reason with the team mates or to kick a player off the field. Although I am aware of what I need to be doing to progress, it's very hard to continually argue with myself about why I need to get there even though I don't feel worth it or deserving. Anyway I just want to thank you guys all again for all the replues I've recieved. It's so good to feel understood, to feel heard. Thank you

[Skims]

First I just want to say that you are all so brave talking about this. It's perfect timing as this is my biggest issue right now - Communication. I too find it extremely painful to talk to my therapist due to childhood conditioning. I've only just stArted asking myself why and it's opened a can of worms. I feel like I've been run over by a bus lately and I haven't seen the therapist in 3 weeks as she went on vacation. I only hope that when I do see her that I can tell her all that I've remembered and been dealing with instead of sitting in frustrated silence. Maybe I will try that advice of speaking as if it happened to someone else and I'm telling a story. Sorry for venting.

[Boatsetsailrose]

I can relate to what u are expressing --
Try not to be too hard on yourself --
U say u have been seeing this therapist for 2 yrs so I can only assume progress has been made -
From my own experience I have come to a natural end with therapists in the past and ended the relationship to move on --
A suggestion maybe look at different styles of therapy it is not just all about talking there are many ways to express ourselves --
Fear of losing control yes i understand that I really do -- maybe you are where u should be at this time and need to keep the sense of control u have at the moment --
2 yrs of work
Breathe
It is easy to think we won't be ok if we take a break from therapy but that isn't always the case --
For me I know therapeutic dance group and expression through art have been v helpful too as is making sure something in my life is Fun --
I wish u all the best on your next bit of the journey