Working On TaterTot

[TaterTot]

Last night I told my husband I want a divorce and I'm moving out next week. He agreed it's for the best and he wants a divorce too.

And then we had sex this morning.

Omg.We are sure 2 messed up people. We both have PTSD from our childhoods,both of us went through SA so things can really get rough at times.

[TaterTot]

The above post probably seems quite random for a first entry in this journal.I wasn't really sure where  to begin so I decided right where I am atm would be best.

I don't really want a divorce and neither does my husband.We just seem to spend a lot of time reacting to each other.Sometimes a divorce sounds like the easier route to take instead of all this draining, hard work.

I didn't used to be so reactive.The years of therapy really helped me and I was doing pretty well.But then another trauma happened, a huge one,and I've really slid downhill since then.

I really wanna pull myself back up,become stable and more in control of my emotions again.

[Blueberry]

Hello TaterTot,

Hey, it's your Journal, you can start where you like!

Keeping a Journal on here has been really helpful to me. I hope it works that way for you too.

I'm sorry another big trauma happened since you were in therapy and that things have gone downhill again since then. 

[TaterTot]

Hello TaterTot,

Hey, it's your Journal, you can start where you like!

Keeping a Journal on here has been really helpful to me. I hope it works that way for you too.

I'm sorry another big trauma happened since you were in therapy and that things have gone downhill again since then. 

Hi Blueberry, and thanks.I do hope keeping this journal will be helpful to me.I have IRL journals but it's just not the same writing all the time but nobody reading or commenting or helping me see from different perspectives.

[TaterTot]

A was reading a thread about going no contact and it made me think about my Mom.

I didn't call her and wish her a happy new year today. I thought about it but then decided not to because she could have picked up the phone and called me just as easily.She didn't though and that's ok,it didn't upset me at all.

She may not even be around,she could be off traveling somewhere.Or she just may not have wanted to talk to me.I'm not even really sure she wants a relationship with me so I'm kinda feeling things out,I don't want to be the one that always initiates contact,if she wants to be a part of my life she will put in a little effort.

I saw her on Thanksgiving, it was the first time I had been to her house in over 10 years. She was nice and even kind and seemed really glad to see me.But there really hasn't been contact since then.I have called her 2 times since then and sent her a card in the mail with a giftcard in it,she called to thank me but didn't invite me over for Christmas  or anything. I probably would have went if she had.

I'm not going to try to push a relationship with her,if it happens it happens, if not I will be fine knowing I was receptive to the idea of repairing things with her and that I tried.

For about a minute I was thinking maybe I went no contact for far too long and maybe over 10 years caused irreparable damage.I felt a little guilty for it.But the truth is I have kids and for one thing I would never go without seeing or talking to them for that long no matter the reason.If they tried to cut me out of their life I would be right there,banging on their doors,calling,texting,writing letters,whatever it took to work things out. For another thing,if none of that worked and they still went no contact it wouldn't matter how many years went by they would be welcomed back with open arms.So it hasn't been too many years away from my mom and I'm not even gonna think that.

Besides,I HAD to have that time away. I had to work on myself, work on the past and look inward.I couldn't do that with her still in my life.Plus for so many other different reasons too.

I think if we do work on our relationship it could develop into a good one now.I have already noticed a big difference in how I feel when I do have contact with her.I am finally able to see her as a person instead of seeing her through the eyes of a deeply wounded child.The things she says and does don't trigger me like they used to.I don't feel like a hurt little girl after contact.I don't spiral down into a deep suicidal depression or feel like crap about myself.

I see her for who and how she is,always has been and always will be.And I accept her as she is.It doesn't mean I like it or I'm ok with it though.I wasted so many years mourning for what and who I had always wished she would and could be.Wasted so much time beating myself up and hating myself believing there must have been something wrong with me that made her not love me.I spent my entire childhood and adult life trying to win her love and never receiving it.So must wasted time and energy just to realize she is who she is.It's not even about me,it's about her and her own past and traumas.

I believe she does love me but has never known how to show it. I believe she always loved me but when I was a kid she was too busy struggling to get through each day and trying to survive to have time for me. I believe her own childhood and what she went through made her closed off and afraid to let anyone in,including me.

I can honestly say I feel bad for her and everything she went through.It doesn't excuse everything I went through


And I gotta stop there and finish some other time.I have dishes to wash right now and then I want to exercise for a bit...

[TaterTot]

Continued from above...

As I was saying,I feel bad for my mom and everything she went through. I understand why she was the way she was and is. There's some things I don't think I can ever forgive her for but I do have compassion for her now. And seeing her as a severely traumatized,abused woman makes a difference for me.

I had to let go and move past the fantasy of having a good,loving mom.Seeing her as just a person changes the way I react. She said and did things on Thanksgiving that would have took me down so fast and knocked me off my feet before.But I was ok,it didn't get to me.I was actually proud of myself after I left and was thinking wow,I never thought that would ever happen.

But I don't believe I could have got to this point if I hadn't gone no contact for so long. I HAD to do it,for myself.It wasn't an easy decision to make or an easy thing to do but I'm glad I did.

Mom's getting up there in age,I would like to have a relationship with her but if it stays as it is,with occassional contact,that's ok.I would rather have that than nothing at all.She won't be around forever,when she's gone I want to be ok with it,and with myself.I don't think I would be ok if I had continued no contact at all.