Should I share?

[HannahL]

Hi there, I'm diagnosed with BPD and during therapy we were exploring the possibility of CPTSD before I had to leave due to my dad passing away. Now it's 18 months later and there's no space left for me in my therapy group and I'm feeling so lost. Opening up about my childhood was massive for me and since leaving the group I haven't had anyone to talk to. I want desperately to tell my friend about it, so she can see me properly and maybe support me. Is that weird? I feel like I should keep it to myself because otherwise I might be sharing it for attention. And then my friend would be burdened with knowing how shameful I am. No one else in my life knows what happened to me and I'm so incredibly lonely. Thanks for reading, I'd love to hear some opinions on if you think it's ok to tell my friend

[Sunflower_Rising]

Hi, Hannah. I'm so sorry that you're feeling alone and confused. We all go through that, and it really sucks. It sounds like you really want to talk to someone but you don't really have anyone appropriate to talk to, and you have reservations about opening up to your friend. I think the answer depends on your friend and your relationship with her, and what feels right for you. I don't think you're shameful, and if your friend is kind and compassionate then she won't, either. But, in my experience, friends aren't the best resource for the kind of support you're looking for. Friends may really want to help, but they don't have the knowledge or ability to support CPTSD and other mental health issues. That's my opinion. All I can do is tell you what I know is true for me based on my own experience.

Personally, I prefer to share the most with people who have had the same experiences or are trained to help me, like here on this forum or at 12 step meetings like Al Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics, or with my therapist or in group therapy. My inner circle of friends - about 5 people - know that I had an abusive childhood and that I'm working on my healing, and we talk about it or related issues sometimes, but I don't discuss it with them in depth. It's not because they'd judge me or treat me differently, but because they're not qualified to help me. They provide empathy and compassion for my everyday life, which CPTSD affects, and this is wonderful, but it takes a trained professional or someone with similar experiences who's come out the other side to go into the deep darkness with me. Plus, unlike a relationship with a therapist or recovery group, friendship should be about equal in give and take. I only give out to friends what I think I can also consciously and healthily take from them. My friendships are focused on mutual respect and support, not pain, because 1) I don't want my friendships to be about pain (that's not the kind of friendships I want), and 2) I have a lot of tools for processing pain that don't involve my friends (a few do, but most don't). If I'm going to open up to a friend, I need to be in a place where I can also shoulder their pain when they open up to me. For most of my journey, I haven't been able to take on anyone else's pain, so I haven't had very deep friendships, but that's starting to change. Maybe I'm wrong, but I got the impression from your post that you need a lot of empathy right now and are running low on how much you have available to give to others (i.e. love/empathy deficit). If that's the case, it's best to find someone neutral to talk to so that you can take without giving for a little while. People who've been through this or are trained to help understand what it's like to be in an empathy deficit, and they can give you some space without demanding too much until you've healed enough to give back. Friends, on the other hand, may end up feeling depressed or burdened or used if they can't reciprocate properly. I've been on both ends of that kind of situation, and it's bad either way.

Maybe, until you can find a new group, you could call a toll free line that provides trained listeners. I haven't used one so maybe another member can recommend one, but a quick Google search yielded CONTACT emotional listening support.

Again, that's just my opinion, based on my own experiences and healing journey. I hope that you find your answer and get the support you're looking for.

Sunny

[Not Alone]

Hannah, welcome to OOTS. 

I have shared with friends to various degrees. My sharing hasn't been all at once, but gradual. You said you might be sharing "for attention." You are in pain and need care. There is nothing wrong with that. I do agree with Sunflower that it would be important to have a trained professional to help you. My friends are really empathetic, caring, wise, and accepting; but I still need a skilled therapist to help me. I understand the feeling of shame, but in my experience, it is very unlikely that your friend would see you as shameful.

Glad you posted to receive support here.