Newbie - medical issues

[outercalm]

Hi all,

I'm new on here, so please be patient with etiquette mishaps! 

I have an "official" diagnosis of PTSD, unofficially cPTSD (since not in DSM-5, not paid by insurance). I grew up in a family with 10 kids, unPD F and checked out M. Suffered physical, sexual, and emotional abuse (the "trifecta," as I like to call it) from multiple sources throughout childhood. Left home without graduating HS but now have an advanced degree. Currently being crazy triggered by medical interventions due to troubling symptoms. Due to my history, I have an EXTREME aversion to being touched by strangers and people I'm not close to. I can barely tolerate haircuts on a semi-annual basis. Now I'm getting nearly every orifice of my body violated in an attempt to ID the source(s) of signs/symptoms. My go-to response: numb out, space out, eat too much. Unfortunately, that doesn't work all that great in the rest of my life. I have been very lucky up until now that I have been physically very healthy, and managed to avoid even general checkups for many years, but it is catching up to me. Anyone been through this and have positive ways of dealing with being triggered, panicked, etc.? Therapy helps, but we haven't figured out any good concrete ways of doing this differently.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

[keepfighting]

Hi, outercalm,

nice to meet you on this forum! 

So sorry about your medical issues - must be horrible to have to have all those tests and live with the uncertainty for anyone and even more so for someone with your personal history. I hope they find whatever is wrong with you soon and that it'll give you some peace. 

I understand some of your issues around medical checkups and stuff though my background is a little different from yours: My Nm had a kind of 'Münchhausen by proxy' thing going so three of the four of us (not sure about GC PD sis  ) were regularly dragged to different doctors for different tests that all turned out to be nothing but my Nm got a lot of attention for herself and being the 'caring' m out if it. As a result, even now as a grownup far away and NC from Nm, if I go to the doctors at all, I go for the 'wrong' symptoms, or anyway fail to describe the 'correct' ones (whenever I was actually sick as a child/teenager, my Nm told me that it was all between my ears, to 'just get over it and stop being such a wuss and complainer' etc so I learned to dismiss real symptoms as meaningless and made up ones as significant. I still struggle with identifying the 'correct' symptoms that need professional attention - if this makes any sense to you...).

It sounds very strong and positive, the way you're trying to deal with having to undergo all these nasty tests and I am glad you have a t to also help you get through it.

Best wishes to you! 

kf

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi outercalm, and welcome! Ugh, I hate doctors, too. When I was pregnant the first time, it was awful - very intrusive. I felt like a car that's in for a check-up. For my second pregnancy, I picked another gynaecologist and a midwife who were a bit more respectful. It was surprising how a little thing can make a difference. My touch aversion is usually less strong if people act respectfully instead of controlling, if they're calm and courteous and seem friendly, if they briefly explain why they're going to touch me, and if the whole set-up seems more like we're a team and less like they're above me in some kind of hierarchy (so for example they readily answer my questions, and they give me the feeling that I can voice my objections or fears).

[Rrecovery]

Hi Outercalm and Welcome    I hear how much you have suffered and are suffering.  Health problems can be so difficult and triggering - for me feelings of helplessness and hopelessness often arise.  I hear you are looking for suggestions, I don't know if these will be helpful but I'll offer what I've got.  For me a core piece of recovering from PTSD is seeing clearly how a the circumstance I'm in right now, even though it feels very triggering, is different from then - to really explore that.  Being attended to medically is care, as opposed to being physically violate by an abuser.  The other thing that comes to me is to look into meditation and mindfulness and to explore the quality of aversion itself.  In meditation we can learn to watch aversion arise without feeling "caught up in it."  We can learn to simply observe it.  This may help medical exams and treatment to feel less traumatic.  I hope you get answers soon.  I also wish you well in your healing from Cptsd.  Glad you are here 

[Anamiame]

Hi there! 

Oh, I SO get it!  I have Lupus and a bad heart.  I see a rheumatologist and a cardiologist almost monthly.  On top of that, I get monthly infusions for the Lupus and blood draws every time I see the rheumatologist. 

I told my doctors about my past and my aversion to touch.  They are both really good about it. 

Since my Lupus was undiagnosed during my pregnancies, I spent a large amount of time in the hospital.  Every morning at 5 AM they would come in for blood draws.  I got to the point where I could sleep through them. 

I figure, the maladaptive behaviors we have now but were necessary for survival as a child can be used to our benefit.  It's the old addage that our greatest strength is also our greatest weakness.  For example, if someone criticizes me and says I'm stubborn, I can turn that into a compliment and say I'm tenacious.  If they say that I'm intellegent, they can also say I'm a know-it-all. 

So I use my dissociation.  I shut off the pain.  I shut off the touch for that moment.  The more I cooperate the faster it will be over.  Unfortunately, I learned that lesson as a child too. 

So I let the doctors know and they do well with me.  For the things that can't be helped, I shut off the pain or diss if necessary.  I don't think all dissociation is bad.  I just don't.  I had to do a two hour MRI and am exceptionally claustrophobic.  It took 45 minutes for me to purposely dissociate and they waited patiently for me to 'get' to that state...but I finally got there and got the test over and done with.  I'm going to have to do it again and hopefully this time the atavan will be ready in time.  LOL.  Seriously, I see no difference between the atavan and the dissociation I was able to do--both put me in a calm state so the doctors could do all the prodding they want. 

Anyway, hope that helps...

Amy

[outercalm]

Thanks to all of you for your warm welcome and your caring suggestions. I really appreciate the input. My T suggested a half a Xanax before procedures, and that may be the way to go, though I don't want the medical people to think I'm drug-dependent! I know what you mean about the MRI. I had a CT scan recently and just closed my eyes and went away. It was easier for me that way. Hard to feel so out of control. Even though technically, I am "consenting" to invasive procedures by showing up for the appointments, I feel like my consent is coerced and it feels so violating/triggering. Trying to do the right thing and take care of my body, though.

Thanks again!