Help a child possible trigger warning

[juliaguarde]

I am not sure what I need to do for myself.  Sunday and again today a 15 yo asked my to call cps on his behalf.  He is not in immediate life threatening danger, but I know all to well how the invisible wounds fester.  Nobody saved me. 
I am drowning between the desire to rescue and the need to protect myself.  I cry for the young girl I was. 
I have work today and need to leave.  I want to stay home, practice self care and cry.  I will, however, be going to work.
The dissociative symptoms started immediately.  I came to this forum because I began to panic after I was alone again.  "How do I take care of myself today?"  "What do I need to do?" 
I'd started this in the bad day section but calmed some so now it's here.   
I hurt. For me, for my ic, and for this young man.  I believe that I may be catastrophizing.   I do not know this young man's future.  I hope that him knowing that I and my spouse care will help.  I see something along the lines of is he going to suffer like I do now?
  I think I'm going to remind myself to stay in the present today.  Predicting the future leads to misery for me.    I hurt so badly right now.  It is so frustrating to intellectually know one thing and emotionally feel something else.  Thanks for being here. 
Do any of you have recommendations to help me balance today?  I want to work, but I also need to stay kind to myself. 
Sorry it's so rambling. I (hope) that is understandable, given that is why I post here.   I don't like letting people see me like this irl. I need a safe place to just be.   I am going to visit the porch of healing today.   That will help.  Yes, I feel needy for reassurance.  Is "——" okay?  I'm crying because, even here, I am using others to judge myself. 

[arale]

I hear your desire to help and your need to protect yourself. I see your tears. I feel the misery of predicting the future, and the frustration of feeling stuck, resonating in my own story.

I am not judging you. You can just be who you are, here, now.  You are not alone.

[sanmagic7]

no judgments, juliag. i echo arale in saying you are not alone.

sometimes the rambling helps just to be able to see thoughts and feelings in black and white and get them out of yourself.  i know it's helped me many, many times to do just that here.

is calling cps something you intend to do?  as a therapist, i called them many times - they were always caring and concerned and kept me anonymous.

one of our former members would say 'breathe, just breathe' whenever one of us was feeling lost and lonely and topsy turvy.  may i pass those words on to you?  sometimes it really helps to clear things in our heads.  then, maybe, it'll be easier to prioritize just what you need to do for both yourself and your work.  whatever you decide, it's going to be just what you need at this time.

sending you love and a hug filled w/ calm

[Kizzie]

 

Nobody saved me.

The situation has brought up a lot for you Julia, but you are there for you (i.e., trying to figure out how to best deal with the effects the situation is having on you).  You're here talking about it and that really can help bleed off some of the fear and panic. 

We are here for you too   

[juliaguarde]

We are here for you too   

Thank you.

[juliaguarde]

I am not judging you. You can just be who you are, here, now.  You are not alone.

Thank you    Thank you also for sharing Arale.

[juliaguarde]

one of our former members would say 'breathe, just breathe' whenever one of us was feeling lost and lonely and topsy turvy.  may i pass those words on to you?  sometimes it really helps to clear things in our heads.  then, maybe, it'll be easier to prioritize just what you need to do for both yourself and your work.  whatever you decide, it's going to be just what you need at this time.

sending you love and a hug filled w/ calm

Thank you as well Sanmagic7.  Yes please. I breathe but I often forget the just part. 

I did call CPS, yes. I have not heard back yet. However the young man did thank my so and asked him to pass the thanks to me as well.  It's helpful to know that.

[Kizzie]

In all that I've read about trauma and resiliency in young people Julia, it only takes one caring adult to make a difference in how they fare.  Bravo to you for stepping up for him 

[sanmagic7]

 

well done, juliag.