Is it me or them??

[wannalearnlife]

So I woke up pretty positive - went to work and chatted with my coworker - all positive.
My boss shows up and we have a never ending cycle that ends with me getting triggered and running away.

I am in a dead end job - that I thought I could like. I have no job description, no role, complete ambiguity. I spend more time complaining that I need a role, need some direction and a purpose and am told that I am on the To Do list but nothing ever changes.

When I try and engage, I am told not to answer with my own thoughts, but instead coached on how I "should" respond. I start to feel crossed boundaries, and the room goes quiet because all of this always happens with other people in the room and now I'm the source of negativity, even though I just want to collaborate with others. I keep running away from the situation because for 2 and a half years I have made suggestions and cut off before I can finish talking, telling me "don't try and sell me" - I am holding on to all of the projects I tried to help get off the list - and I feel that my efforts are sabotaged and then I'm replaced with someone else who never gets the same responses as I do...

I feel like this is an impossible situation - even though I really want to overcome it, but the conversation feels like a never ending cycle that will never change.

I am drained, i have nightmares about this place, I'm hurt because I don't feel like a valued player, and that somehow I have become a scapegoat - much like I was in my family. If I try and bring joy - it's stifled - If I try and express myself as an adult - it's stifled or censored or i'm told how to behave. I had an emotional flashback today while trying to once again approach this problem with my boss and it reminded me of my family. DAMMIT!

Is it me or them, I don't know how to fix it! I want to heal from this - not quit and give up but it feels impossible

[Three Roses]

You ask if it's you or them...but perhaps that's less important than how this situation is making you feel. You say you're having nightmares, you're drained, you feel hurt and stifled, you've been triggered into an EF that made you feel as your family once made you feel.

You say you want to heal from this but imo it's going to be nearly impossible to heal from the damage of the past while experiencing the same damage in the present.

Best wishes to you as you struggle with this painful situation. 

[Kizzie]

I am in a dead end job - that I thought I could like. I have no job description, no role, complete ambiguity. I spend more time complaining that I need a role, need some direction and a purpose and am told that I am on the To Do list but nothing ever changes.

I'm so sorry you are being triggered by your job WLL, I've been there a few times myself and it's difficult to say the least.

It sounds like your boss is not willing to hear you and respond in a positive way and perhaps never will. Others may not be as bothered as we are by bosses like this because they don't have the layers of trauma and history we do.  Our past trauma does make it hard to deal with employers who don't have solid people skills. 

So FWIW imo it is us in the sense that we can be deeply triggered by not being treated well and that is on them not us. Unfortunately that leaves us in a position of having to decide whether we can live with that or not. I hope you are able to sort this in a way that is best for you. 

[wannalearnlife]

Thanks for the awesome replies!
I'm grateful for the fact that I am in a position to discuss issues with my boss and work them out. They took some responsibility, and of course, I took my responsibility too. We are both working on being more aware of our reactions and come up with solutions to be able to work together.

I appreciate all of the support here, and I understand that when triggered, my perspective is messed up. I'm pretty determined to get through this year without quitting, even though some days may feel pretty terrible. I have to keep in mind that everyone is trying!

Thanks again!!

[Kizzie]

I'm grateful for the fact that I am in a position to discuss issues with my boss and work them out. They took some responsibility, and of course, I took my responsibility too. We are both working on being more aware of our reactions and come up with solutions to be able to work together.

That is awesome WLL !                

[wannalearnlife]

update a month later.
I'm feeling very depressed.  I took some time off to do a personal project which was great, and now I am back in the office with the same end, "you're on the to do list" and "it's my fault" says the boss... but no action... Meanwhile there are young people filling my position while I'm being micromanaged and demeaned by other coworkers. I keep saying I want to quit, and then revoking it because I don't want to fail. UHH! I'll move on to a different job for the summer, but as I'm trying to stay in until May, I'm afraid that the young people have no respect for me and my knowledge due to the dynamic created by managers. 

I have my therapist tomorrow who refers to this job as "torture", and I'm so depressed (which usually is never this bad) that I don't want to get out of bed... but i do, and I ride my stationary bike, and work out before I go in, trying to change my attitude, but it's not working. two more months, I may just have to vent for two more months so that I don't break a work record... But I do feel like a failure.

And I have applied for other jobs, but not heard anything yet.  Working on solutions
Thank you