More about My Trauma (TW)

[Heart]

 
Trigger warnings
My M didn't want to have me. So she tried to abort me herself (when the doctor told her that after four boys "one more wont hurt you"). She tried bouncing down the stairs, sitting on the back of a motorbike driving over the beams of a railroad tracks. When I was born a girl  - I did this to spite her. She gave instructions not to touch me. And left for work. So I was left unattended for with all basic needs. My food was cold formula (? correct? ).
My M didn't beat us or me. But she did everything else. When my parents ate they locked us in a room upstairs. When I was bathed it was with very hard hands. Hair brushed - same thing.

When I was six going on seven my second oldest so-called brother raped me. The summer after that an uncle as well started molesting me.
Our house was a house of bullying. School didn't go so well. Luckily I have always loved reading. I started at ten to talk to my brain. Learning from my dreams. Helping me to remember that it had happened eventhough I gave myself permission not to remember the details.

At twelve I seduced my oldest brother's BF (he was eighteen and a virgin)  - in order to get out of the house. The small town were I lived had no problem with me being picked up by my boyfriend with his car. No adult reacted.

My first husband was abusive and my "family " were all on his side. When I lost my son being four month pregnant and everybody said "Ah, you'll get over it." I got angry for the first time in my life.

My second time of marriage is a loving relationship. We have been married soon for 26 years.  But this time hasn't been an easy road either.

I find myself to be a contradiction of terms. I am strong  - but I am not. I have a voice  - but I don't.  I am happy  - but I just want to cry. I want to cry - but I don't. Etc...
Full of bad memories...

[Snowdrop]

Your story is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you went through this. I hope that posting about it has helped you.

Various people here have been through similar things. We get it. We understand.

One of the things that helped me was understanding that cptsd isn't an illness. It's an injury.

Sending you a hug of support if that feels safe.

[Not Alone]

Heart, your story breaks my heart. I also feel angry at how you were treated. The mom in me wants to pick up that baby (that you were), hold her, nurture her, feed her.

[Heart]

Thank you so much... I find myself to be triggered by...everything right now so it's really hard. And I am understanding things about myself that I never thought of before. And I can't tell you how much it means to me to have you here.🌻

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Heart  Glad you found your way here and I hope you'll find some comfort and understanding. 

I find myself to be a contradiction of terms. I am strong  - but I am not. I have a voice  - but I don't.  I am happy  - but I just want to cry.

Just wanted to mention I feel much the same way a lot of the time, I think because part of me is living in the present and part in the past.  Saw this on twitter recently and found it quite apt: "I don't live in the past, the past lives in me."

[saylor]

I'm so sad about what happened to you, Heart.
In your description, I could practically feel the harshness and contempt in your M's treatment of you. It's so tragic that anyone can be born unwanted by their parent(s). If, as children, our parents don't love, protect, and nurture us, the ramifications can be tremendous and far-reaching, including long into the future, in many cases.

Incidentally, as I process my own trauma, I too am finding that more and more things trigger me. It can really be a nightmare, but we are here to hear you and hold your hand through it. You deserve gentleness and kindness now 

[Heart]

❤⛅