Rrecovery Movement

[Rrecovery]

Two days ago I re-injured my left knee which means I'm in pain, can't walk stairs, run, or play.  One thing I'm aware of is that Cptsd has made it much more difficult for me to: feel good and have fun.  I think non-traumatized nervous systems can much more easily enjoy things, feel well, feel happy, have fun.  For me, I almost primarily feel those things through some form of athletic activity.  So having on-going issues with my knees is not only painful, disappointing, limiting and expensive - it feels like it takes away my access to fun, happiness, joy, healthy pleasure.

I'm doing my best to fend off the inevitable depression that descends whenever I experience another setback with my knees.  It's hard.  If I was able to experience fun, joy, etc. in non-athletic ways I could turn to those in these times.  I'm a freeze type so I certainly know how to lay in bed and vid out/numb out.  I want to stay present and continue living, but the wind has really been taken out of my sails and I'm in the doldrums. 

I have plans to be with a friend who I enjoy physical activities with  this afternoon, but I'm thinking of cancelling because being with him and not being able to do the things we enjoy doing together makes me feel sadder.  He's really my only available friend at this point so backing away from him doesn't feel great either.

This "knees" saga is going to last for awhile.  I have an appointment with a knee surgeon at the end of April.  I will be starting to work with a new physical therapist next Friday.  It's inevitable that I will continue to experience setbacks and disablements on the long road of knee surgery/rehabilitation.  I thought I'd start this thread so I can write to people who care and understand the pain of being disabled, of having what feels like limited access to joy/happiness, who know what it's like to feel extra-challenged in the living of life.  You all may get really weary of hearing about my on-going knee saga.  Still, it feels somewhat better to write about it. 

So few things feel enjoyable to me - all of them physical.  Feel free to share what makes you'all experience fun, joy that are non-athletic.  Thank you! 

[schrödinger's cat]

Oh my, Rrecovery. I'm so sorry to hear that. Such a setback.    I hope you're not in any pain, and I also hope that you'll find something to do with your friend that works for both of you.

I remember when I was in therapy for PTSD. My T dutifully went through the motions. Item one on her list: resource work. She said I was to do things that give me energy and that are fun. I was then expected to go and do those things. It left me looking more or less like this:  . Fun. Huh. Yes, I knew how to spell it. In several languages, even! But... doing it? Hm. But okay. Fun, here I come. Hi-ho, watch Cat have fun. With... fun things. Uh. I sat down and tried to think. What DO I have fun doing? Reading foreign-language newspapers. But only when I'm feeling okay. When I'm down, they're no good. Same goes for anything else. Painting. Music. Writing. Long walks. Travelling. Movies. I'm having fun IF and AS LONG AS my CPTSD is manageable. If it isn't, it's bye-bye, fun.

Bottom line:

Therapist's theory: Feel down ==> have fun ==> feel alright.

Cat's practical experience: Feel down in a CPTSD kind of way ==> manage flashbacks while trying to also do things that keep me from feeling worse (drink enough water, exercize, eat proper food, have a conversation with a person who is older than twelve) ==> fail ==> try again ==> repeat as necessary until I get a little better and simply just feel the normal kind of down ==> have fun ==> feel alright.

So it's absolutely counter-intuitive, but sometimes when I'm feeling down, the best thing to do is move towards the down-feeling and not away from it. I'm now well enough that I can confront my past without nosediving too hard. Grieving, or journaling, or just remembering where I felt that particular feeling before... sometimes it works wonders. It's like waking up and feeling alive again. -- But like I said, that works sometimes and not always, and it's my own experience at this moment in time, not something general that works for everybody at all times.

Also, I hope you're not living in a house with too many staircases.

[Jdog]

R-

Yes, it's quite a blow you have been dealt which affects you so very deeply.  Although I have been injured and had to postpone running races - my favorite form of activity over the past 6 or so years- the biggest blow occurred in 1998 when I injured my shoulder so badly that my ability to feel my left fingers put a virtual end to playing the violin.  The violin was everything to me - played since age 8, got my bachelor's degree in music, taught music, played in orchestras.  I tried many therapies and got a tiny bit better but to this day can't properly enjoy playing music.

Injuries happen for all sorts of reasons. For me, I truly believe that the injury happened at a time when I was being triggered by a circumstance which mirrored a terrible time from young adulthood and it was just too much to handle.  Just the other day I equated playing violin to seeking a core or center outside of myself, one of the several places I have traditionally sought "me"- including overachievement in school, etc.  I am hoping that along with the bodywork I am now undergoing, this new understanding of being "enough " without achievements may free me and let me play once more.

As far as what I do now to feel connected and happy - other than running, I cook, write short stories and poetry, read when I have time, and would love to learn more about native wildflowers and trees.  I donate blood. I work on my own mental and emotional health.  I have made a couple of new friends and have coffee with them.  Just lots of little things

[Rrecovery]

Cat's practical experience: Feel down in a CPTSD kind of way ==> manage flashbacks while trying to also do things that keep me from feeling worse (drink enough water, exercize, eat proper food, have a conversation with a person who is older than twelve) ==> fail ==> try again ==> repeat as necessary until I get a little better and simply just feel the normal kind of down ==> have fun ==> feel alright.

Thank you so much SC    This was extremely helpful.  I tried it and it worked.  I did not become depressed    I cancelled with my friend so I could focus my energy on self-care and rest.  I had what turned out to be a lovely healing day.  I spent a lot of it reading a book I had been reading very slowly because I hadn't been taking the time to slow down and relax enough to read for a protracted amount of time.  Your care and wisdom helped so much.  It also helped me to remember that reading is something I enjoy and find enriching - something to enjoy when I can't be athletic - or perhaps even when I can.  Thank you 

[Rrecovery]

Yes, it's quite a blow you have been dealt which affects you so very deeply.  Although I have been injured and had to postpone running races - my favorite form of activity over the past 6 or so years- the biggest blow occurred in 1998 when I injured my shoulder so badly that my ability to feel my left fingers put a virtual end to playing the violin.  The violin was everything to me - played since age 8, got my bachelor's degree in music, taught music, played in orchestras.  I tried many therapies and got a tiny bit better but to this day can't properly enjoy playing music.

Hi Jdog, thank you for your kindness and understanding.  My heart goes out to you regarding the loss of the ability to play the violin.  I am also a musician and had an injury that prevented me from playing for 3 years - it was everything to me as well. I understand the profound loss that you speak of.  I hope that your ability to play returns to you.

Injuries happen for all sorts of reasons. For me, I truly believe that the injury happened at a time when I was being triggered by a circumstance which mirrored a terrible time from young adulthood and it was just too much to handle.  Just the other day I equated playing violin to seeking a core or center outside of myself, one of the several places I have traditionally sought "me"- including overachievement in school, etc.  I am hoping that along with the bodywork I am now undergoing, this new understanding of being "enough " without achievements may free me and let me play once more.

As far as what I do now to feel connected and happy - other than running, I cook, write short stories and poetry, read when I have time, and would love to learn more about native wildflowers and trees.  I donate blood. I work on my own mental and emotional health.  I have made a couple of new friends and have coffee with them.  Just lots of little things

Each time I am injured and can't do something that I love to do I have experienced growth; I developed very important parts of myself - usually around being able to connect in a deeper, more meaningful way with myself and others.  It's good to be reminded of this.  I appreciate your list of other activities.  Yesterday I remembered how exquisite it is to curl up with a good book.  I can also play and listen to music, write, cultivate friendships 

[Jdog]

R-

I am glad to know that you found some ways to enjoy your alone time as well as remembering things that bring you satisfaction when you are unable to be athletic.  So very challenging, these "in between" times....you sound like a remarkable and accomplished person with many talents and abilities.

Enjoy your reconnection with self and others.

[Widdiful Falling]

Hello!

Wishing you all the best with your recovery. It's really hard to recover from a physical and psychological wound at the same time. I'm glad to hear you found some lovely books, and I hope you're back on your feet again soon!

[Rrecovery]

Thank you WF for your lovely well wishes 

[Rrecovery]

I met with my new physical therapist on Friday and I feel VERY encouraged    The first PT found me to have excellent strength and excellent flexibility - in other words, did not find a/the problem.  This new PT has found muscles that need to be strengthened and some that need to be stretched YAY!    The new program is challenging and painful - good - it's doing something.  This PT said I definitely won't need a knee replacement, perhaps arthroscopic surgery to shave damaged cartilage, but maybe not.  Either way she sees me returning to my sport 

[Sandals]

Fantastic news!! 

[Jdog]

I am glad for you!

[Rrecovery]

Sandals and Jdog thank you!   

[Whobuddy]

Great news!! 

[Rrecovery]

Thank you 

[Widdiful Falling]

What wonderful news! I'm really happy for you!