Rrecovery Movement

[Rrecovery]

Thank you so much!    

[Kizzie]

Great news Rrecovery!

[Rrecovery]

The PT I'm doing takes about 13 hours per week and is difficult and painful.  It's also stressful because I'm having to re-learn how to do simple things like sitting down with both legs/knees.  Interesting how difficult and stressful it is to relearn basic skills.

All this is normal for PT of course, but the Cptsd adds an element of feeling overwhelmed and overburdened - "life is too difficult" - a core traumatic belief I struggle with.  I'm not depressed which is great.  Having this place of connection and support helps a lot.  Understanding the difference between what is happening and the traumatic interpretation helps too.

I've had some social opportunities come up and don't feel I have the time or energy right now.  Causes me to feel isolated.  I want to stay focused on the real possibility of no longer being disabled.  I'm open to prayers and sending white light 

[Jdog]

Hey there Rr-

I send you white light and healing energy as you recover and learn to do what used to come naturally.  Having Cptsd does add a level of difficulty for us- I got triggered while organizing an event due to the nature of abuse I experienced earlier in life and have been coming out of the somatic symptoms for a few days.  Take good care of you!!

[Rrecovery]

Thank you Jdog    Happy to send you white light, healing light for relief from physical and emotional suffering. Appreciate your support.   

[Rrecovery]

I'm feeling so depressed and discouraged.  Every time the PT process gets to doing some squats my knee gets re-triggered and I'm back to square one - pain and disabled, can't walk stairs (and I have to negotiate stairs all day every day) can't run, kneel, do yoga, do sports, hike where there are any inclines.  This has been going on for almost 6 months now.  It's so hard going through this as someone with Cptsd and already super-prone towards depression.  There are little bits of hope followed by more setbacks.  I just feel so depressed and disappointed and angry.  I don't want to be depressed, it doesn't help, but I can't seem to fend it off.  My life has been so difficult, with so much burden and difficulty.  Perhaps it's the "it feels hopeless, there's NOTHING I can do" aspect that's triggering me.  I have been doing 2 hours of PT 7 days a week.  Still, it doesn't change things, I'm trapped in this mess even though I'm doing everything I can to change things.   I guess this is the Cptsd part - overwhelmed with no hope of escape.  I know this is a process and there will be a resolution eventually, but meanwhile it feels beyond awful to be disabled all the time. 

I know this is just a rant.  Sorry so negative.  Just trying to help myself out of this dark place and posting here definitely helps.  Thank you for reading this 

[Jdog]

Rrecovery-

I am so sorry this s$$tload of agony is front and center for you now!  Cptsd makes present injuries doubly hard since things get triggered and it's like trying to staunch many wounds at once.  Nothing I have to say can change that, but if you remember that you are deserving of great kindness and self respect and try to find just ONE thing to do that makes you feel better, maybe you can slow down the onslaught somewhat.  Depression sucks, and I myself can only take baby steps in coming out of it when it strikes.  There is nothing you can do physically at this moment that will alter what your body is doing, so look elsewhere if you can.  What you are feeling is a rational response to these great difficulties, and fighting it off isn't much use as it means you will just have to feel it all later.

So feel your feelings, hen find just one thing to do that is wonderful for you.  Sorry I don't have more to offer, but I trust that healing will occur.  You deserve for that to happen.

[Rrecovery]

Hi Jdog, What a lovely, wise, warm and nurturing response    Thank you!!  I agree with everything you said. I am coming out of the depression.  You're so right, feeling the feelings (and not freezing) is the way to go.  I also saw my T and prayed and was able to do a little half-a**ed meditation.  I just kept in mind that depression (which for me is a kind of giving up) is not helpful for me; it just causes more suffering.  One thing that helps too is to hit it chemically - I take extra 5-HTP and also Kava Kava.  I find that to chemically improve my mood helps to come out of a depression "skid" and see beyond it.  I called my surgeon, he can't get me in any earlier than May 20.  Emailed my PT, she hasn't responded.  Looking on the bright side, I'll get a break from this 2hours a day, 7 days a week PT and have time for other things again. 

As far as pulling out of the EF, I had to change the belief, "Life is always looking to hurt and sabotage me, there's no hope"  to "I am no more prone to difficulties than anyone else, even though I had a rougher that usual beginning.  Athletes get injured.  I am aging and physical issues are part of that process for everyone.  I can use this situation to grow more resilient in the face of it."

I so appreciate being able to post here and to receive responses from caring, wise people like YOU 

[Jdog]

Rr-

I am very glad you were able to access some good tools, both within yourself and in the world.  In the end, it is all such a daily commitment to self care and constant matter of challenging beliefs that maybe don't serve us as well as we need them to serve. 

Thanks for the very kind words as well.  I am glad to offer anything that may be of help as you continue on your healing journey.

[Sandals]

Rr, I'm in awe of your perseverance! There is always so much focus on end goals and so little on the journey. How do you feel when you look at your journey, what do you see? I see a strong warrior, relentlessly pursuing the path, and each day rising to push forward.

[Rrecovery]

Hi Sandals, Thank you so much    I'm amazed at all of us, our perseverance.  I feel like I've had to push hard all my life to try to go about the business of living AND recovering from such profound mental/emotional/social/relational injuries, at the same time.  I think this has disposed me to pushing too hard towards my goals and not do so well at being present and accepting of the present moment.  I've believed (rightly) that things were not okay for so long, that I find it hard to ever believe/feel things are okay.  The warrior in me is a force to be reckoned with, for sure.  Right now my warrior is rebelling so hard against my latest setback with my knees.  I have this low-level despair and not-okay-ness constantly.  I haven't been able to meditate worth a darn.  I think I need a sitdown with my warrior to make it clear that what I want more than anything is to feel and be okay whatever may be happening in my life.

[Rrecovery]

On Friday I was lying in bed and I laid one leg bent across the other and BAM my other "good" knee got triggered.  Now I have two knees I can't walk stairs with.  Also, this means that neither knee responded well-enough to PT and I'm looking at 2 knee surgeries to become fully able again.  I've been in a EF since then.  No matter how "good" I am, I "get hurt" just lying in bed minding my own business.  I fear my knees.  I fear moving.  I feel despair.  I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel and it just seems to get further and further away. 

Sorry I'm so negative about all this    This seems to be my Achille's heel; it has just slammed me down on the mat.  I did have a positive thought about it; if I can somehow find a way to be okay in this; then perhaps I will have developed a new level of strength and resilience.  I'd rather be okay than no okay, so I'm going to do my best.

I admit, that I also think that once I learn to be okay with this Life will just find a bigger Achille's heel in me to trigger, so I can continue to "grow" because life is all about growth right?  Sorry, pretty cynical at the moment 

[Kizzie]

Oh dear Rrecovery - so sorry to hear this    FWIW I don't think you're being negative, I think you're reacting in a normal way to a situation that really is quite tough. Your knees are failing and you're facing surgery so it seems like the right time to grieve/be angry..  You will get them taken care of, you will be better and then you can feel more positive. Right now though, it just sucks so  x 3 for you.

[Rrecovery]

Thank you Kizzie, your response feels very comforting and encouraging 

[Widdiful Falling]

Being cynical and negative at a time like this is to be expected. It's normal, and good for you to let the negative emotions flow without bottling them up. I think you're doing just fine, considering. And a lot of consideration is due. I really feel for the pain you're in. It's hard, but it will pass. Until then, we're here for you. You're a really strong person to continue pushing yourself through all of this pain.