The impulse to cling

[bluepalm]

The impulse to cling

I was never allowed to cling
to anyone.
Not to mother or father
or husband,
and now not to children either.

The impulse to cling is deep,
fundamental, primitive,
and, if constantly denied,
seems to persist forever, 
leaving me achingly bereft.

[Whobuddy]

I like your poem. Thank you for sharing it.

I identify with not being allowed to cling - and yet the longing to do so is ever there. But the ability was never installed, the instinct to withdraw, repel is so much more present. I have problems with this a lot.

blueplam, I identify with what you write about your life as I, too, was severely neglected my whole childhood. The effects of which are not entirely the same as other types of trauma. I look forward to reading more of your words. Take care, you are not alone.

[bluepalm]

Thank you for your kind words Whobuddy.

[bluepalm]

I thought I should add by way of explanation that this poem came to me after watching a video of a baby koala clinging to her mother's  back as the mother clambered unsteadily over rocky ground in the bush. I watched the baby and her little limbs clinging to her mother's fur (see how I imagine the baby is a girl, I identified with that baby so much) and realised I'd never been able to cling like that to anyone. I envied that baby koala.

I'm also aware that a term of abuse used mainly by some adult men against some adult women is that they are 'clingy'. A variation of this was the accusation thrown at me angrily by my husband many years ago - 'all you want to do is hug and cuddle!'. This from a man who eventually admitted he was, in his own words, 'incapable of intimacy'. And yes, I'd never been allowed to hug and cuddle and that impulse to cling to another human for safety and protection and warmth has never been satisfied.

I know there are many psychological issues around this accusation for both sides, but I do wonder if disproportionally, baby girls are not given the chance to cling to their parents when they need it so that the impulse can be satisfied and 'discharged' at the appropriate time in their lives and instead lingers on, miserably unsatisfied.

[Not Alone]

 I believe that our natural impulse is to be known, nurtured and love. A good enough mother holds her baby, rocks her, feeds her, etc. When the baby has needs, the infant cries. Mom tries different things to meet baby's needs. As a toddler, the child will go a certain distance from mom and then back to the safety of mom. The toddler ventures out little by little, looking back to make sure mom is there. Sometimes a child will cling to mom if he is going into a scary situation. Hopefully, the child has enough inner experience of mom that after his initial clinging, he realizes he is safe and is okay. If a significant adult wasn't providing safety and love (and perhaps the opposite) in childhood, then those of us who are drowning in the sea of worthlessness and aloneness, will grasp at any straw; that is, cling to anyone who may provide some of those needs of love and acceptance.

[sanmagic7]

if i may make an observation along gender lines, i also think that men have had even less practice at clinging, being nurtured in such a way, than women (and any non-binary people are included).  those who have been identified as males are often told to 'toughen up', get punched or smacked when showing pain/hurt/fear, etc. or told not to act like 'a girl'. 

I've worked w/ adolescents who have been denied gentle, caring, nurturing touch as children, and already by their teens they are uncomfortable, wary of, and distrustful of touch.  especially from adults.  even adults in support groups have denied themselves the feel-goodness of a hug.  it's a terrible shame, to my mind, how many people yearn for nurturing touch all their lives, yet are either rejected when asking for it, or reject it when it is offered.  how very sad.

thank you for sharing this, bluepalm.  i have been touch deprived, and went to great, and sometimes shameful lengths, to get what i yearned for.