I hate Goodbyes

[arale]

I've been searching on the forum for discussions about Goodbyes. Hope67 and several others seem to have put quite a bit of thought into the place of goodbyes in their lives. So, I was hoping maybe some of you could share some of your more recent thinking and experiences on this.

I can't do goodbyes. I hate them. I dread them. I do them so clumsily. I close off my feelings - tears mainly of relief or sadness, pretend to be stoic or hopeful, feel embarrassed, making the others feel uncomfortable. And I try to get it over and done with as quickly as possible and then I try to blank out the whole experience. It's uncomfortable, but I'm worried that I'm setting a really bad example for the kids who I am saying goodbye to.

I just listened to 3 Jungian analysts talking about Partings and Farewells:

http://www.thisjungianlife.com/episode-088-partings-farewells/

They said, "Conscious parting honors meaning and connection. It allows us to honor the spring and summer of growth, celebrate autumn's harvest, and accept the quietude of winter. Ideally, we can embrace the depth of feeling in a farewell and fall upon it willingly and with grace."

Hmmm, I'd like that too. But, maybe, like Hope67 said in a post from a couple of years back, this type of graceful parting is only possible for people who don't have fear of abandonment? If each goodbye triggers flashbacks of abandonment or even just the fear of abandonment, then maybe it's not possible to part gracefully? So maybe, if we could work on the fear of abandonment, then the "problem" of goodbyes would dissolve naturally and goodbyes will come more easily and gracefully?

Thoughts?

[woodsgnome]

I guess I fall into the category of someone fearing abandonment or something close to it. While I've never thought of it as a problem (afraid to even do that), the observations presented by Arale certainly touch on some raw material. There's actually quite a bit of avoidance built in as well -- it's so hard to establish relationships, and all of the major ones (few enough as is) seemed to disappear no matter what. I'm alone and apparently meant to be so.

If I stop, though, and seek to ponder what's been the case with my aversion to farewells, I see only a bundle of fears that I'm the one to blame when things don't work out and/or just end. The finger always revolves around to self-abandonment/my fault issues (obvious traces of gaslighting when young and cptsd in general).

While I could posit a legion of examples, I come back to perhaps my most hurtful. Although having had several acquaintances, I only really had 4 I could count as solid, true friends -- and they all died within months of each other to various causes. The only thing approaching a 'family' I ever had -- all gone in short order, and the feeling of abandonment felt permanent. 'Nothing good ever lasts' became more than a sad mantra, it embodies my being somehow.

Those thoughts are only the tip of the iceberg, but I think that's the gist -- I'm unsure of things as is, so saying goodbye to the few solid certainties in a fearful world was -- is -- very difficult. Thanks to Arale for posting on one of those conundrums so hard to get a grip on. Except fearfully.

[Hope67]

Thank you arale, what you wrote was so helpful to me today - I was able to write something in my journal - having been stuck to say anything for a while, and I just wanted to thank you.  I will hope to come back and say more another time, but I need to cook food now. 
Hope