5th anniversary of nc w/ my d

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sanmagic7

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5th anniversary of nc w/ my d
« on: January 22, 2020, 05:00:15 PM »
my heart can never heal from this.  i have no words.

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Blueberry

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Re: 5th anniversary of nc w/ my d
« Reply #1 on: January 22, 2020, 06:17:22 PM »
Dear san,  :hug: :hug: :hug: Can EMS help?

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Patticake

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Re: 5th anniversary of nc w/ my d
« Reply #2 on: January 22, 2020, 07:04:52 PM »
Dearest San -
      You are correct. There are no words, only deep sadness and pain. I am so very sorry you are carrying this sadness. I know it all too well.
      As you go through this grief, know you are not alone and continue hoping, and praying hard, for change & reconciliation. I do this often...usually through tears. I refuse to lose hope.
      I am keeping you close to my heart.  :hug:
     

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sanmagic7

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Re: 5th anniversary of nc w/ my d
« Reply #3 on: January 22, 2020, 07:12:06 PM »
bb, your hugs helped a lot. ems is helping to hold me up, to make it thru today as i have editing work to do, so i don't really have a chance yet to feel the full impact.  i know it's there, it keeps trying to seep in, but i keep pushing it away.  i have to get this work done.  being messy is for later.  but, thank you so much for this. :hug:

patticake, thank you for your encouragement.  i'm glad you have hope  - keep going for it!  i have none any more.  even recent communication from her w/ my d#2 showed there is no change at all, no hope for it.  i don't have the energy anymore to put toward hope - i already spent a lifetime on it.  my focus needs to be elsewhere now.  thank you for keeping me close to your heart.  i truly appreciate that.   :hug:

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Snowdrop

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Re: 5th anniversary of nc w/ my d
« Reply #4 on: January 22, 2020, 08:32:52 PM »
I'm sorry you're hurting, San. I can understand how painful this must be. I want you to know that I'm thinking of you, and sending you oodles of love and hugs. :hug: :hug: :hug:

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sanmagic7

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Re: 5th anniversary of nc w/ my d
« Reply #5 on: January 22, 2020, 10:51:40 PM »
thanks so much, snowdrop.  i'm taking it all in.  i've been so busy today, i think i'm numb.  i know logically how horrible i must feel, but i can't feel it.  but, i so much appreciate your oodles - love that word!   :hug:

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notalone

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Re: 5th anniversary of nc w/ my d
« Reply #6 on: January 22, 2020, 11:26:05 PM »
San,  :grouphug:

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sanmagic7

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Re: 5th anniversary of nc w/ my d
« Reply #7 on: January 23, 2020, 04:43:54 AM »
thank you notalone - your hugs mean such a lot to me. 

i did get a chance to cry a little today, but my sadness runs so deep.  this has been decades and decades until i finally threw in the towel.  she helped break me twice, and has no remorse.  i love her, she has a place in my heart, but i don't have any idea what could possibly fix this - she is one person i have definitely learned cannot, under any circumstances, be trusted.  that breaks my heart to know that, but it truly is my reality. 

tonite it's kind of hitting me more than today, and i'll probably be a real mess tomorrow, but i can take the day off and just be.  i want to weep but the tears are stuck.  maybe tomorrow i'll have some time and space, or maybe it'll all stay stuck.  i'm so tired right now i don't care - don't have the energy to cry over her, over the situation.  i just know it hurts.

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sanmagic7

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Re: 5th anniversary of nc w/ my d
« Reply #8 on: January 23, 2020, 01:43:49 PM »
the tears finally came last nite.  just tears filled w/ pain.  i'm very sad again today, as it's my ex's b-day, and i went nc w/ him as well, after knowing him and being in each other's lives for over 50 yrs.  he and my nc d worked on me at the same time - she's over 40  - and my heart is pounding right now thinking of how damaged i am, how many years this has gone on with the two of them together.  they feed each other in a cruel dance, have done so most of her life. 

my heart wants to jump our of my body, - i'm in a lot of pain. i'm a ball of negativity.  time for some self-care. 

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Phoebes

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Re: 5th anniversary of nc w/ my d
« Reply #9 on: January 23, 2020, 02:59:42 PM »
San, I just want you to know I am here with you and understand. My 5 year "anniversary" of going NC with Nm is in March. Like you, I spent my whole life's energy and soul trying and hoping and loving someone who I didn't understand would never truly love me back. I feel like a chump, and also inexplicably sad. It's a hard hard position to be in. Sending you hugs if it's ok. It helps to know I'm not alone too. Lately has been too much.

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sanmagic7

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Re: 5th anniversary of nc w/ my d
« Reply #10 on: January 23, 2020, 08:30:36 PM »
hey, phoebes,

no, you're absolutely not alone.  your words ' i spent my whole life's energy and soul trying and hoping and loving someone who i didn't understand would never truly love me back - yeah, exactly.  i did feel like a chump for quite a while, but my d#2 helped by telling me that she dealt w/ her sister by knowing that her sister has had every chance - therapy since she was 7, off and on for nearly her entire life - to change, to make different choices, but she refuses.  it's ultimately on her.  that helped a lot.

and, then i think of all the people here who have had horrible experiences, have been traumatized, injured, wounded on many, many levels, and they have chosen to be kind and generous and compassionate.  these are now the people i choose to be around (even if it is only virtually), but it's because of the outcomes of their choices.  your M has had the same choices to make all her life, yet she chose to be the way she is instead of the way she  could be.  we are not the chumps - we were taken in, but we learned.

so congrats to you for choosing a different kind of life, a different way to treat others.  it is a hard position to be in.  and i support you in your decision, too, as difficult as it may be, not only to make but to maintain. 

hugs, to my mind, are always ok.  sending you love and a hug filled w/ support and assistance to get through these tough times. :hug:

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Phoebes

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Re: 5th anniversary of nc w/ my d
« Reply #11 on: January 23, 2020, 08:52:42 PM »
So very true. We gave them way more chances than they deserved, and they are still not sorry. Sorry they can't continue. Nevertheless, it's very heartbreaking. I can't seem to shake it-I thought I'd be much more over it by now. I guess when it's the most primal of primal instinctual relationships, and it just doesn't compute, it leads to a confusing life.

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sanmagic7

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Re: 5th anniversary of nc w/ my d
« Reply #12 on: January 25, 2020, 04:07:29 PM »
i just had to write something here, because the last post was on the birthday of my ex, and i didn't want to see that date every time i looked around the forum.

even this is a trigger.

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Snowdrop

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Re: 5th anniversary of nc w/ my d
« Reply #13 on: January 25, 2020, 04:11:04 PM »
 :hug:

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Kizzie

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Re: 5th anniversary of nc w/ my d
« Reply #14 on: January 25, 2020, 05:57:15 PM »
So sorry you are going through this San, here for you too  :hug:

I don't know that we ever truly get over the losses we suffer due to relational trauma, but knowing others care and that we are not as alone with the pain as we once were hopefully helps reduce the intensity of tough anniversaries like these somewhat.  :grouphug: